One thought on “The Board”

1. Lost
   I sometime think of what they would say now,
   If they had of known what I went through.
   Always laughing and smiling and making jokes,
   Joke after joke after joke.
   Pretending so hard I didn’t care that it hurt.
   So much. Still not good enough.
   It was nobody’s fault that they didn’t see the pain,
   After all it was hidden so well.
   But maybe they should have looked closer, or
   I should have tried harder.
   The expectations often felt suffocating,
   But this suffocation was all in mind.
   I think. Or thought. And hoped.
   Everyone else seemed to survive, I remember seeing it.
   Gazing at them, in awe, in jealousy and then looking
   Back on myself in disgust.
   I tried to remember what my parents always told me,
   That no one has it easy and every one struggles.
   But them, the others, they got through their struggles.
   I couldn’t.
   I remember every day waking up and telling myself,
   Today is a new day.
   Today I will shine brighter, work harder and be better than yesterday.
   And at the end of every day, all I had was a book of failed stories,
   Stories of failure. That haunted me in my sleep and in the daylight.
   Inescapable and internal.
   But still, every morning I’d tell myself,
   Let’s try again.
   Let’s just try again.
   There’s only so many times you can try again. But I told myself,
   Keep going.
   In a strange way, I found my greatest comfort in my friends
   But also my worst fears.
   The success, the beauty, the talent of them. Terrified me and
   Made me feel like I would never find fulfillment or be fulfilled.
   And in times like these, all I really needed was to see my parents.
   Talk to them, hug them, let my walls down because they knew everything
   There was to know.
   But they were so far away, away from the world I was in
   And this disconnection was so isolating. So frightening.
   It was like I saw all the colorful things around me, but when I came close
   It all turned to black and grey.
   Do you want to know the worst part?
   I knew it shouldn’t be like this. I knew I should change my thoughts.
   I knew, I knew, I knew, I just didn’t know how.
   I read all the quotes that tried to lift my soul,
   I listened to the songs that urged me to continue,
   I heard my friend’s compliments and congratulations.
   But still, the tears trickled down, slowly and silently,
   And never in front of them.

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