Note!!! Although Andrew's story is *NOT* a lemon, my comments are sick and ecchiish enough that this C&C *is*, at least in terms of warnings. So, if you're not into sticky things, don't read it. Except you, Andrew. You have to read it. :-) In the not-too-distant future Somewhere out in CT There was a guy named Sean Not too different from you and me He worked as a DJ on the radio Played from Mozart all the way up to Coolio But his attitude didn't set well with Rei So she conked him on the noggin and she stashed him away (Hey, you can't do this! I know people!) I'll send him cheesy fanfics Most of which are actually fine (la la la) He'll have to C&C them all And I'll monitor his mind Now keep in mind Sean can't control Where the story begins or ends But he'll try to keep his sanity With the help of his Senshi friend SENSHI ROLE CALL!!! HOTARU!! (Well, more than friends...) If you're wondering how he eats and breathes And other science facts (la la la) Just repeat to yourself "It's just a post I should really just relax." On Crystal Tokyo Fanfic Theater 3000... (o...2...3...4...5...6...G) (Sean and Hotaru are sitting around playing Hearts. They look terminally bored.) Sean: Hi, everyone, welcome to our own special little hole in the wall. I'm Sean, and this is my wife Hotaru, aka Sailor Saturn. Hotaru: Didn't you already have one person telling you to get a life today? Sean: I have a lovely one, thanks. I'm sure our readers at home can tell the difference between a real me and a semi-fictitious one left over from Made of Stone. Hotaru: I wouldn't count on it... Sean: Hey, Lessa is calling... (Cut to a small room in what looks to be the Palace. Rei is standing there with a manic grin on her face.) Rei: Greetings, captives? And how are we this fine morning? Hotaru and Sean: Fine, Rei. Rei: No problems? Hotaru and Sean: No. Rei: Good. Actually, Sean, I've got just the thing for you. Andrew Huang has written the latest chapter in his parody fic Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut. Unfortunately, he's far too mature for his own good. Sean, can you put on your hentai hat? Sean: I got news for you, my hentai hat is *always* on. Rei: And Saturn dear, if you could see your way clear to providing actual C&C? Hotaru: Why can't Sean do that? Sean: I'll be busy milking Andrew's lines for their fourth entendre. He already hit the other three. Rei: It's actually a very good fanfic, but it could use some C&C nonetheless. Sean: Got it. I don't suppose we could get some food? Rei: What do I look like, a vending machine? GET IN THE THEATER!!! Hotaru: You don't suppose this is because you wrote her as a cliched stereotype? Sean: *I* didn't write her at all, remember? We've only got Pluto's word that this is a story... (lights, buzzers, etc.) Sean and Hotaru: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!! (6...5...4...3...2...1...o) >Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member >begun July 21, 1997 Sean: Airedale, Clydesdale, Teasdale, Chippendale, Mondale, and other fine shopping centers. Hotaru: For persons who care about cats. > Reminder: There _are_ spoilers in here. Big time. Hotaru: You mean where we find out about the room with all the... Sean: We observe spoiler codes until the story itself, Hotaru-chan. Hotaru: Hmph. > Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they are). Sean: And please try not to sue my ass off. > This is starts up right at the end of the part one, "I Left My Soul in >Tokyo-3". Do read it first--you won't be able to understand what's going >on in here otherwise. Hotaru: Should we assume for the audience's sake that we read it? Sean: Let's do. , > And *AHEM* most of all, this writer doesn't do lemons. Thank _you_ >very much. Sean: Not a problem, Andrew! I'll help you out! > After a little while, he exited Micro$oft Word, and returned to his >own writing, pausing a moment to contemplate the Evangelion poster on >the wall next to his computer (and trying not to stare too hard at >Ayanami Rei). For inspiration, of course. Sean: There's a picture of Ayanami as Saturn out there. Hotaru: Really? Sean: Yep. It's got you in a plugsuit, too. > The writer stopped to smack his head a few times, then began typing. > "I'm gonna die," whispered Shinji, glumly. Sean: I'm into homosexual necrophilia, Tom said, in dead Ernest. > He yelped suddenly as Rei suddenly glomped onto him, murmuring sweet >_somethings_ in his ear. He vaguely determined that he had never been >glomped before, then decided to gracefully pass out, suffering a slight >nosebleed, as she detailed to him what they might do with a can of >whipped cream, cherries, a number of tongue depressors, and a lot of >feathers.... Hotaru: Been there, done that. Sean: Aren't you glad I left those scenes *out* of Made of Stone? >*** >Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 2: >The Faces of Dea...I Mean, Ayanami Hotaru: Pretty much the same thing. Sean: You weren't exactly Miss Personality at first, you know. > Touji hurried up to Shinji, still dressed in his plug suit and lying Hotaru: I swear it, I'll love you forever, baby! Sean: I believe Andrew means 'laying'... Hotaru: No, that's what *Rei* meant... > Shinji, whose eyes were slightly out of focus, murmured, "Loosely used, >yes, 'hit' could be the right word." He grunted and tried to sit up. Sean: In the sense of 'she whacked my lips with hers'. > Touji, with a grin slowly spreading on his face, clapped his hand on >Shinji's back. "Well done, my friend. I've always suspected you had a >thing for--OW!" He rubbed the spot on his head where Shinji had whapped >him. Hotaru: This is everyone's favorite doormat? Sean: Shinji gets a little better. Not much, though. > "A-a-A-A-a-a..." replied Shinji. Sean: A-a-Ayukawa! Hotaru: Wrong series... > "What, has Rei had ANOTHER one of her mood swings?" asked Asuka, >skeptically. All boys were perverts. Shinji was a boy. So, logically, >Shinji was a-- Sean: All dogs have four legs, my cat has four legs... Hotaru: Therefore my dog is a cat? > "Shiiiiinji-kun..." came a low, but most definitely feminine voice. >Everyone turned pale, and they turned towards the source. It was Rei, >with one arm out of her plug suit, and...and.... "Could you please help >me out of this thing? It seems so...so _clingy_ today." Hotaru: For someone who avoids lemons, he's got innuendo down. Sean: Indeed. > --Shinji was a wimp. Sean: Ah, good. For a moment I thought I had the wrong series. > "SICKO!!!!!!!" She launched herself at Rei. Hotaru: That was about as bright as Picket's Charge. Sean: By the way, since this is a C&C more than an actual MSTing, there will be a few judicious edits. Hotaru: Don't leap through the fourth wall like that. Sean: I think it was more like the fifth. > [Me too. And Balthshazar?] > > [Yes?] > > [Don't call me Mel.] Sean: BONNIE LANGFORD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Hotaru: This whole scene was very amusing. > He decided that he just wasn't quite used to a slightly nymphomaniacal >Ayanami...and, he guessed, neither was the rest of the world. And he was >correct--mostly. But let's not worry about those exceptions. (Hotaru whacks Sean, who has his hand raised.) Sean: Please sir, can I have one sir? > "I'm sure Asuka will get over her problem sooner or later. As for Rei, >well...." Misato paused, trying to think up something. Another smile, >but of a different sort, crept up on Misato's face. "I might have an >idea." Hotaru: Can you imagine how Andrew would deal with Gryphon in this situation? Sean: Ano...DJ, remember? Hotaru: Uh-huh. *right*. > As it turned out, there seemed to be no hot water running into her >small apartment, so she just grit her teeth and managed to take a (very >short) cold shower. She quickly lathered up and soaped up her beautiful > and and her , too--and we musn't forget >her as well. Did I mention her shapely, firm ? She >finally turned off the water, stepped out, and toweled herself off, >starting down with her and moving up from there, finally >rubbing her dry. Hotaru: No comments? Sean: It seemed a little heavy-handed...I dunno, I like Andrew's humor more when it's subtler than this. > Meanwhile, just outside Rei's living quarters, a certain Ikari Gendou >was struggling with a monkey wrench and the piping that ran into her >apartment, number 402. Sean: Furthermore, all the scenes with Gendou seemed out of place. He doesn't fit into this plot as well as he did as the rabbi in the last one. >************************************************ > > "That shower scene should make you pervs happy.... No? Oh well. That's >the most you'll get out of me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--*koffkoff* Ack." > >************************************************ Hotaru: I see what you mean. A little over the top. Sean: Some of us read lemons for storytelling as well...it does mean we're disappointed a lot of the time, but... > "Well--I--of course! They, they did all of that in _my_ EVA unit! I >want to keep it pure, you know. I've got to sit in that entry plug!" Sean: As Asuka sits back in her pure, virginal EVA plug, letting the warm oxygenated water enter her body, she could feel a slight tingling in her extremi - Hotaru: (knocking him unconscious) Once too often, boyo. > Reluctantly, Asuka answered. "I...I got into a fight with Rei. She >kind of flipped me." It had been most humiliating. Sean: She's making me wear this special leash now... Hotaru: What are you doing up? > "I wonder what it would be like to kiss Touji-kun...must be nice...." Hotaru: If you can get over the fact that he compares every girl to his sister...there's a subplot in itself. > Asuka decided that this would be a long, long night. But enough with >the girl talk. Sean: Mom - do you douche? Hotaru: KNOCK IT OFF! > "Congratulations! So, what exactly happened?" Sean: Misato wanted to play that game where she dresses up like the Angel and sits on -- Hotaru: You don't give up, do you? Sean: Nope. > "You GO, boyyyyyyy...." Kensuke chuckled a bit, then continued. "It >always seemed like you had an interest in Ayanami. Admit it!" Hotaru: AN Ayanami. Not necessarily this one. >Really, >how would _you_ react if Ayanami started to throw herself at you?" Sean: I'd be too busy watching pigs fly and hell freezing over. Hotaru: Which reminds me, can I borrow that Dilbert book? >"Well, Misato-san says that, um, I should...go >on a date with her." Sean: Admittedly, that's Misato's solution for everything. Hotaru: No, alcohol's up there too. > Touji thought that over for a second. "What's wrong with that? Sounds >perfectly reasonable. Professional matters be damned. We're still just >kids after all." Sean: After all, being an EVA pilot is expensive... Hotaru: Huh? Sean: Well, it's cost Touji an arm and a leg, that's for sure. > "Let me...let me see that." Kensuke took it from Shinji. "What the.... >'EVA Brand Condoms (tm)'? They're serious? 'When you need protection as >good as an AT Field'? Oh, boy." (Hotaru and Sean both burst out laughing.) Sean: Now *that's* better. Hee hee. Hotaru: Nice one. *giggle* >************************************************ > > The writer shook his head. > > "I am _really_ sorry about that. Really." > >************************************************ Sean: Don't be. Great line. > It's the kind of scene that would make you either scream, cry tears of >joy, or say, "So? I've already seen up to episode 23." Sean: I've only seen through 16...time to make another stop in Chinatown soon... Hotaru: Presuming they haven't sold out of 17-20 *again*... > There was a large room, and it was filled with Ayanami Reis. Sean: Hi, welcome to Andrew's dream. Hotaru: Sean! Apologies, Andrew. > "I see. These are all my personality fragments, recently come out of >dormancy." Hotaru: It's very nice to see that this does have a running plot, rather than just being a series of gags. Sean: Betcha it's at *least* as confusing as the original... > "And I'm the Ascendant fragment," said yet another. Somehow, despite >being dressed in the same clothes as every other Rei in the room, this >Rei was looking seductive. Yes, in that frumpy looking school uniform. >This was...er, Affectionate Rei. Sean: Where's Kissy, Lusty, and Passionate? Hotaru: Those are the foxes. They're with Greg in his bunker. > "Why are you suddenly all here now?" asked Original Rei. Hotaru: Or Rei Classic, as others call her. > "Why're you asking her, if _you_ don't know?" Irate Rei huffed. >"Anyways, I ought to go thrash Asuka again for getting in the way. She's >starting to really annoy me now." She glanced over at Kickboxer Rei, who >nodded and flexed a fist. Sean: I should point out that we *have* seen irate Rei before. Check out Episode 16, when Rei gives Asuka a look of pure rage. Hotaru: Hey! *I'm* the C&Cer, you're the hentai. Sean: Sorry. Um...being a kickboxer, you think she'd have better things to flex. Hotaru: Hmph. Not up to your usual standard. > The writer paused, looked up from the screen, and stared hard. > > "Note that I used the term 'Ascendant' rather than 'Dominant'. That's >for a very good reason. Yeah, I'm talking to you." Sean: Hi, Andy! Yes, we all want the complete, unedited Rei/Asuka fight, thankyouverymuch... Hotaru: (sigh) > Asuka just couldn't sleep. It bothered her. And the fact that it was >bothering her also bothered her. Why should she bother? Hotaru: Nice writing here. > "Jahrtausend Hand und Garnele, *mumble*." Sean: This makes the second use of Foul Ole Ron in an anime fanfic in as many months, I should point out. Hotaru: It's a thrilling new trend. > I'll be damned--Rei _does_ know Aikido, after all. I should have known >better than to bluntly forbid her to chase after Shinji.... > > He winced. Must stop splitting infinitives, too. Hotaru: Yes, but 'to forbid bluntly' sounds silly. Sean: Again, Gendou seemed a little off here. > "Um, well, all right, er...Rei." He cleared his throat nervously. "I, >well, Misato suggested, maybe, that, we, we go out on a, a, a date, you >know, movie and stuff...." Hotaru: This boy *is* the living reincarnation of Kyosuke Kasuga. > "Shinji...Shinji just asked Rei on a date...." > > "That's...that's ni--WHAAAAAAT!?!!?" Sean: He would have asked Asuka, but he said he wouldn't date her unless they were the last people on Earth... Hotaru: Good, just *give* away the ending like that... > Kensuke was in a bit of a daze. It was all so...unexpected. How did he >get bamboozled into a triple-date situation? Sean and Hotaru: ~Bamboozled by looove...~ > Hyuuga swiveled around in his chair. "But the vending machine outside >is the only place that I can get non-Diet Dr. Pepper! They only have >that 'Mr. Pibb' junk in the convenience stores, and everyone _knows_ >that Diet Dr. Pepper doesn't really taste more like regular Dr. Pe--" Sean: Can I just say that the first time I read this, I was actually drinking a Dr. Pepper? Hotaru: Can I touch your robe? Sean: OK, minor point. Still... > An anteater with wings perched on Shinji's shoulder. Hotaru: The whole anteater bit is a nice dose of surrealism. > "No Dr. Pepper? Not the diet stuff, that wouldn't work, or Mr. Pibb. Sean: Actually, if I was *forced* to drink a diet soda, I could do a lot worse than Dr. Pepper. > The anteater nodded. "Your mind's been so frazzled lately that the >direct line is kind of flaky. All I keep on getting are these images of >two soft, round things. What _is_ that, anyway?" Sean: Well, we have several options. One -- Hotaru: Or not. > "So...how does it feel, though? Not the kiss, I mean, but to be... >loved?" Hotaru: This did seem to come out of nowhere. It was very nicely done, but it seemed a little out of place. > "Shinji! You're all right! I'm so glad...." Sean: Sure, cut away! Deny us Misato's body pressing up against Shinji once again in a stunning display of -- Hotaru: This running gag brought to you by the Booze Council. > "Ah, Ghost in the Shell...good date movie. I remember when Ka...ah, >never mind." She mentally pictured a voodoo doll with many pins in it. Hotaru: Good date movie? Sean: For Misato, Little Miss Contradiction? Why not? > "But I have no idea how to do this, you know...." > > "Don't worry, it'll come to you. Hotaru: Just lie back and think of Tokyo-3... Sean: HEY! Who's the hentai here? > Gendou put down the phone and stared at it for a few moments. > > "DAMN!" *CRUNCH* "Owww...forgot about the arm...." Hotaru: Again, Gendou seems off in these types of scenes... Sean: Though in a parody, that might be the point. > The setup: some people Rei Shinji Asuka Kensuke Hikari Touji other people Sean: The homage: Biles' Putting Your Heart in the Right Place. Hotaru: I *thought* I recognised that chart... > "But...Kusanagi...she's got such a cool gun!" > > Asuka fell out of her seat and onto her Tub-o-Popcorn. (Sean has facefaulted as well.) Hotaru: ~Big Gun! Number One...~ > "Quiet, you! We're trying to watching a movie here! Stupid kids." Sean: No, stupid *rabbit*. *Trix* are for kids. Hotaru: What? > [No drinking on the job. This means YOU, Hyuuga-baka-kun.] Hotaru: Another sign of Ritsuko's plan for world domination going into effect... Sean: First they came for the sodas... > Kaji was sleeping. So was Misato. > > In the same bed. Sean: All right! Action! Even if it is with Kaji... Hotaru: I thought you said Episode 15 made him a little better? Sean: I still don't like him. > However, they were both fully dressed. Looks like they passed out >before anything could happen. > > Enough with that, though. Sean: You call that a lemon scene? Where's the money shot? Hotaru: SEAN!!! Sean: Nighty-night... >and Shinji >and Rei, who were sharing a single milkshake using two straws. The >waiter had slyly mis-taken their order for two shakes. Except for Asuka >herself and Kensuke, who was nervously trying to avoid any sort of wrath >from any source, the entire scene was like something out of a Disney >movie. Sean: You can be specific here. It's not as if any other Disney movie did the Italian restaurant, staring into each other's eyes thing. Hotaru: That wasn't in Aladdin? Sean: No. > "I hate this night." Sean: Getting off hentai matters for a bit, Asuka, while naturally annoying, seems especially so in this part. You just wanted to slap her. > "I wish I...." Asuka trailed off, leaving the rest of her thought >unspoken. > > "I wish I had a gun...." Sean: "I really hate her!" Hotaru: "I really hate him!" Sean and Hotaru: "I really wish I had a bone." > And the moon...is the only...light we'll see.... *ahem* Anyways-- Hotaru: Ben E. King, ladies and gentlemen! Give it up! > The embarassment was about to drown everyone involved. Finally, Rei >just darted in and gave Shinji a long (but far less deep than before) >kiss on the lips. After the initial surprise, he responded and held her >gently by the shoulders, much like he did in the entry plug just a few >days ago. Sean: Though with a smaller audience, of course. Hotaru: This was rather sweet, actually. Sean: Yeah. Andrew better make with the death soon, or this isn't gonna be Evangelion at all. > Hikari was just staring at Rei and Shinji. Suddenly, she muttered, >"Oh, what the heck," grabbed Touji around the neck, and planted a long >kiss on him. A firm one. A very firm one. Hotaru: Has Andrew read Lew Burden's 'Just a Dream'? Sean: I dunno. If I told you how many lines I'd shamelessly stolen from *my* stories, though, we'd be here all week. Hotaru: Trying to avoid the whole pot/kettle thing? Sean: Ayup. > Shinji gulped when he realized that Asuka wasn't going to be staying >over at Hikari's tonight. Hotaru: Oops. Sean: Hey, he's young, he's in love. Hotaru: He's gonna get whupped. Sean: Ayep. > That got her awake in a hurry. It also set off all those mandatory >pain sensors that act up during hangovers. Sean: Although I do get evil migraines every few months, I don't get hangovers. Hotaru: Neither do I. In fact, I've never been drunk. Sean: Drunk Saturn...now *there's* a fanfic for you. > The writer crawled away from the keyboard, twitching. > > "Need...insulin...shot...nowwwww...." Sean: Now, now... > I kind of found it a little odd that aside from the Hikari-Touji bit, >there was just about no romantic element among the teenagers in >Evangelion. And the aborted kiss in ep 9 and the boredom kiss in ep 15 >don't count. Hotaru: The movie does, though. Sean: Yeah, between Shinji jacking off *on camera*, and that whole big Rei sex scene...I think Andrew meant *romance*, though, in which case he's correct. > Don't take my writing to think that I dislike Asuka. I am fond of her; >I also understand why she's so loud and brash. But, well, for the >purposes of this storyline...well, it just seems like she's going to get >the short end of the stick a lot. Poor girl. I promise, I'll give her a >better break next time. 'Kay? Hotaru: Thank you. > I _like_ Dr. Pepper. Sean: So do I. Hotaru: Exit? Sean: Indeed. (o...2...3...4...5...6...G) (Sean and Hotaru are in armchairs, doing a wrapup.) Sean: Very funny, then, and nicely written. Hotaru: Any Evangelion fanfics at this stage are welcome. Sean: Gendou didn't ring true in this one, but as I said, when you write a parody, you have a little more leeway. Hotaru: And Andrew managed to take a story about a sex-addict Rei and make it clean, mostly. Sean: Except for that one overdone bit. Hotaru: Yeah. Sean: So, overall, nice job, and I can't wait for #3. Hotaru: Will Rei send us that one? Sean: I dunno. Rei? (Cut back to the palace. Rei is bust putting out several small fires that have started around the room.) Rei: Dammit, remind me never to masturbate as Sailor Mars...um, you're back! Yes, you'll be getting future installments. Though I can't say when exactly. (Back in the hole in the wall, Sean and Hotaru stare at Rei.) (Back in the palace) Rei: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!! GO AWAY!! Yuuichiro, push the button. Credits: This C&C of Episode 2 of Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut was written by Sean Gaffney. The story itself was written by Andrew Huang, who's a nice guy despite his idea that Ryouga and Ukyou belong together. Evangelion is GAINAX's, and all that that entails. --Sean Gaffney --who may or may not do this again...