Yes, another one...this is the last of the Evas for a while, though... next time I think I'll do Tales of Younger Venus. In the not-too-distant future Somewhere out in CT There was a guy named Sean Not too different from you and me He worked as a DJ on the radio Played from Mozart all the way up to Coolio But his attitude didn't set well with Rei So she conked him on the noggin and she stashed him away (Hey, you can't do this! I know people!) I'll send him cheesy fanfics Most of which are actually fine (la la la) He'll have to C&C them all And I'll monitor his mind Now keep in mind Sean can't control Where the story begins or ends But he'll try to keep his sanity With the help of his Senshi friend SENSHI ROLE CALL!!! HOTARU!! (Well, more than friends...) If you're wondering how he eats and breathes And other science facts (la la la) Just repeat to yourself "It's just a post I should really just relax." On Crystal Tokyo Fanfic Theater 3000... (o...2...3...4...5...6...G) (We see Sean standing by a makeshift table, which apparently now serves as home base. Hotaru is behind him, reading a graphic novel.) Sean: Hi, everyone, welcome to our own private Idaho. The new Gunsmith Cats manga from Dark Horse just came out, and Hotaru's catching up with the storyline. Hotaru: Y'know, some of this seems *very* familiar... Sean: Huh? Hotaru: Well, let's face it, you did fall in love with me when I was a very young age. What was it, four? Sean: Not that young! You were sixteen! Hotaru: Uh-huh. Y'know, I'm fully in control of the Saturn personality now. I could age down a bit for you... Sean: Please, *NO*. Jackie Chiang's mad enough at me as it is...oh look, Goldie's calling. (Down in the depths of CT's palace, we see Rei. There is a man standing next to her who looks *very* familiar...) Rei: Hello there, taboo breakers. Sadly, Yuuichiro and I had a bit of a disagreement, so I had to look for some new help. It's been tough, but I think this new guy will work out. Now, what was your name again? Frank (for it is he): The charming and lovable TV's Frank. Rei (unimpressed): Uh-huh. And you don't mind being abused, tortured, and generally treated as my inferior. Frank: I'd feel awkward if you didn't. Rei: I think we're going to get on just fine. Now, go do my laundry. (Frank exits.) Rei: As for you two, are you ready for another fanfic? (Back to the hole in the wall.) Sean: Didn't we have Evanjellydonut 2 a couple of days ago? (CT palace.) Rei: That's right, and now you've got Evanjellydonut 3. Andrew Huang thinks it might be too sappy. (Hole in the wall.) Sean: There's no such thing. Hotaru: Really? The Super S movie? Sean: OK, there *is* such a thing, but I doubt Andrew will reach that point. Trust me. (CT palace.) Rei: Make a note: send Bon-Bon-Baddy song to Andrew. Wait, why am I writing this myself? FRANK! (Frank enters, carrying what appears to be a herculean amount of panties.) Frank: Gee, Rei, are these *all* yours? Seems to be a little much. Rei: Fraaaaank... Frank: Oh, isn't that cute! They've all got the days of the week sewn into them! Rei: FRAAAAAAAAAANNNNKKK!!!! Frank: Um, yeah? Rei: Frank, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you now. Frank: Wow, so soon! I was afraid I'd make a bad impression! Rei: BURNING - oh, here's the fanfic. Enjoy! - MANDALA! (Before we can see the results of this, we cut back to the hole in the wall.) Sean and Hotaru: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIGN!!! (G...6...5...4...3...2...o) > It was time. > > Time for some more Evangelion spoofiness. Hotaru: Boy, what timing. Sean: Yeah, with us being here and everything... > "Yes, it does exist. Stop looking at me like that." > > The writer sat down at his keyboard, and began bumbling^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H >crafting his latest masterpiece. Sean: Actually, these have been excellent. Hotaru: Wow, someone with a bigger self-image problem than you... Sean: Zen. Or Ed Becerra. Or any one of a hundred others... > Misato yawned and stretched, giving a grand show to anyone who might >be watching. (Sean has mysteriously sprouted binoculars.) Sean: What a grand day for an outing!! Hotaru: You're starting early... Sean: Urk... > [Report of Agent P: The woman knows too much...._] Hotaru: I thought that was Agent A-K0. Sean: Wrong fanfic... >*** >Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 3: >Tenshi Muyou--No Need For Angels Sean: Groaaaan... Hotaru: Obvious, but funny. > Now was the time. Yes, it would find one of the Evangelion units, bide >its time in the computer system, take over the controls when activated, >and carry out its purpose. Its glorious, grim purpose. Hotaru: Which no one really knows about. Sean: I think the second movie tells you... (Hotaru gives Sean an 'oh, really' look.) Sean: Well, probably not. > "No, Sato-kun...not since that last time. I still have the burn >scars." Sean: Shit. Duck... Hotaru: What? (Jeff Hosmer erupts into the theater, screming.) Jeff: NO!!!!!! DIE, SATO!!!!! SATO KILLL!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!! (Jeff exits.) Sean: Andrew, might I suggest a different name? > "So why does the screen keep on flashing 'Which way to NREV'?" > > "Well, I don't...eh...wait. 'NREV'?" Hotaru: Is that like "N-lite?" Sean: Maybe it's RDNZL... > "Good morning, Shinji-kun." > > "Ah, good morning, Rei-chan." Sean: And how are you this fine morning? Hotaru: Absolutely tickety-boo. Schnapps? Sean: Oh, thank you... > But then, the past few days had been highly odd anyway, even by >Tokyo-3 standards. Rei with outward personality, Shinji with >backbone.... Sean: Ataru staying faithful, Ranma complimenting Akane... Hotaru: Setsuna explaining what was going on... (A staff mysteriously comes out of nowhere to bonk Hotaru.) > "Morning, Asuka-chan." Hikari was pensive. Touji hadn't come to school >since that triple-date, five days ago. She also hadn't been able to >reach him by phone. Apparently, he was at the hospital, with his sister, >just like he was when she had first been injured. And she certainly >didn't have the time to go to the hospital to find him. Sean: Damn that physical therapy... Hotaru: SEAN! Sean: What? That could have been completely innocent! Hotaru: Not from you... > "Ah, I guess I want to talk to you...." Touji smiled weakly. Hikari >nodded, and they walked over to a corner of the room. Sean: "I got that note...about the clam dip..." Hotaru: Huh? > Shinji blushed a bit, smiling, then froze. "You know, Rei-chan...is it >normal for humans to swell up and turn bright red?" Hotaru: In anime it is. > "I really can't stand this," muttered Asuka. Sean: Andrew's really making good his promise to have Asuka's character be different this time... Hotaru: It does seem to be the same ol' same ol'. > "Mommy, Mommy! My Tamagotchi is broken! Maro-chan's _gone_!!" Sean: Oh, now we know this Angel is truly evil. Hotaru: Tamagotchi: just say no. > "Let me see...don't worry, if Mommy or Daddy can't fix it, we'll go >get you a new one. Anata! Could you come here?" Hotaru: Ooh, flagrant use of unnecessary Japanese in a fanfic. I'm afraid that's a five-yard penalty. Sean: Hotaru, you've been hanging around Richard too much... > Aoba handed him a NERV (tm) clipboard with several official statements >on it. The Subcommander read them over, puzzled. "This is one of the >strangest things I've ever seen. Any clue as to what it might be?" Sean: There are five of them, sir. Named Emma, Mel B, Geri, Mel C, and Victoria. Hotaru: Hon, I got news for you: The Spice Girls are no angels. > Fuyutsuki nodded. "Well, keep an eye on this thing, just in case." He >looked around the room. "Where is Hyuuga?" Sean: I sense a running gag... Hotaru: Cheap Dr. Pepper ref coming in on runway nine... >and some girl with long black >hair wearing a Shinto priestess outfit is there slapping wards on the >drink machine." Sean: So *that's* why she's sending us these! Self-promotion! > "Actually, I don't mind Mr. Pibb that much. But I do like Dr. Pepper a >lot more." The writer paused. "Well, so much for the pretense of having >helpful comments." Hotaru: What *is* Mr. Pibb? Sean: Eeeeevviiilll......eeeeevvviiiilll from the dawn of time... > [Melchior.] > > [Yes, Caspar?] Sean: Do you douche? Hotaru: WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF!! > Caspar was silent, thinking. Then, he spoke. [I feel...a disturbance >in the Force.] Hotaru: Eddie's in the space-time continuum... Sean: Eddie Monsoon? Damn, there goes my bootleg source... > "Yes, Subcommander. Ah, where is Commander Ikari?" > > "He called in sick today." Sean: Andrew does seem to be fond of this running gag... Hotaru: Who'd believe an old perv like him could go for underage women. (WHAM!) Hotaru: HEY! I'm twenty-four now, let's remember! Sean: Sorry, gut instinct. > "Dammit. Rei knows Jujitsu, too, does she?" > > Gendou continued wrapping his two wrists and both ankles with tape, >giving a vicious tug with his words. It was kind of difficult, with both >of his arms in slings. Hotaru: Gendou's kind of taking the 'D' role in this fanfic. Sean: If Rei turns out to be the missing princess, I'll scream. > Asuka sighed. "Yeah, I know. I guess I'm glad that Hikari's happy, >but...do they _have_ to do this in class?" Hotaru: Hey, it was educational! Sean: Yeah, diagrams and everything! > "It could be worse. You remember how Rei was just afterwards." Sean: I'm beginning to feel Andrew doesn't need our help at all...at least in lemon ways. > "Feeling lonely, eh? Yeah." Hotaru: Somewhere around this point, Kensuke acquires an Australian accent. Just thought I'd mention it. > Rei sat back down at her desk, and turned looked through her computer. >"Nothing wrong here...wait, some of my files were opened. The ones about >NERV general information.... We'd better tell someone about this." > > Four cellular phones were pulled out simultaneously. Sean: MOMMY!!...Oh, wait, that won't work with *these* folks... Hotaru: The humor in this one is much subtler than the previous parts. Sean: Still good, though. > Asuka looked embarassed. "Ah, heh, sorry...reflex action." Then she >glared at him. "But I _still_ think you're a pervert." She stomped away. Hotaru: This is getting a little ridiculous... Sean: Andrew, change the record, OK? > "Well, whatever it is...it's been a royal pain." Sean: Or a Royal Crown... Hotaru: Uuuurgh... > [Blue pattern, huh? How come we haven't gotten any trace of it?] Sean: The blue? Didn't Cristian get possessed by that in 1968? Hotaru: Sean, what are the chances of *anyone* getting that? > Melchior cursed silently. What was it with him and old Western science >fiction? Sean: Why couldn't they watch Lone Wolf and Cub like everyone else? Hotaru: After all, it's not as if AnimEigo is selling anything *else*... > Caspar returned to playing the saved game of Nethack which had somehow >appeared in his memory banks during that one detection of a blue >pattern. [Never got a Tourist advanced this high before. Not bad at >all.] Sean: And this is the *smart* one? Hotaru: Rule number 17: All-powerful minds can be rock stupid if it serves the plot. > "Could you please push my glasses back up onto the bridge of my nose? >I can't quite do that at the moment." Sean: (giggle) Hotaru: Great line... > "No alcohol for me tonight.... Dr. Pepper." > > "Sorry, they only have Mr. Pibb here." > > "Oh. Okay." Sean: We're beginning to arrive at the end of this running gag. Hotaru: Hopefully. It's getting old, Andrew... > "First off, some target practice. And now that we have all the soul- >filters from...." There was a pause, and the rustle of papers being >read. "From Maxwell House in place, all four of you can train together >again." Hotaru: What is soul? I don't know. Sean: Soul is a hamhock in your cornflakes. > Then again, maybe not. > > "All right...lock and load, guys." There was just the hint of a laugh >in Misato's voice. Sean: Andrew's not really giving me a chance to be ecchi so far. Hotaru: Good. > "Remind me," came Misato's muffled voice from beneath the computer >terminal, "never to say _anything_ at all. Ever." Sean: And this has a chance of happening? > "No, but here are some of those dried frog pills that I haven't used >yet--" Hotaru: (in Ridcully voice) BURSAAAAAAR!! > [I have no eyes and I must cry....] Sean: Slippage just came out, by the way. Hotaru: Great book. > "Well...I...." Asuka frowned, waving her hands around in an attempt to >wrench out the words to express her disquiet. "Ah...I don't know. I >can't say exactly." Hotaru: This is a little better. We're starting to get actual variance in Asuka's mood... > "Sorry about shooting up the control room...did you get all the glass >out of your hair?" Hotaru: I decided to keep it -- it gives a nice sheen... > Asuka wrinkled her nose. Carefully, she chose out some words to convey >her distaste. "He and Rei are, as could be said, deep in 'conversation'." Sean: And for some odd reason my dominatrix clothes are missing from the dresser... > "Well...what do you suppose Nietzsche _did_ mean by that?" > > "I'm not sure myself." (Sean smacks himself in the head.) >************************************************ > > "Man...I wish...." > > The writer suddenly noticed everyone staring at him. > > "Er, never mind." He continued typing, rather red in the face. > >************************************************ Hotaru: Ahem. Sean: This is cutting *reaaaally* close to the bone there, Andrew. > "So am I." Rei rested her head against Shinji's chest, listening to >his slow breathing. He lightly ran his fingers through her short hair. Sean: All right, it's a *little* sappy. But in a good way. > "Well," he slowly spoke, "she's been acting weird. I mean, sometimes >she's all uppity like she's always been, but at other times...well, like >during training, today. She was so, so distracted." Sean: And she was making those odd moaning sounds... Hotaru: Sean, there were as yet undiscovered tribed in the Andes who knew you were going to say that. > "We'll figure out something. Maybe we should talk to Hikari, too; >they're close friends, and I think she'd like to help out." Sean: Some sort of three-on-one thing? (Hotaru holds her head in her hands) > Rei pouted cutely, something which she getting even better at >nowadays. Hotaru: Her voice actress finally kicked in. > "Did you just feel that sugar rush too? I think I did. Yow." Sean: Andrew, get off the cross, someone needs the wood. > Meanwhile, in one of the EVA cages.... > > [o/" Nobody knows...the trouble I've seen.... o/"] Hotaru: I do. Sean: ~Somebody knows the trouble I've seen...~ > Even an Angel can become bored. Sean: Between madness...and boredom...lies Evangelion. Hotaru: The seas are troubled...wait, wrong character. Damn. > Misato yanked open the refrigerator and grabbed herself a beer. Or >two. Or, actually, four. Sean: Why not three? Hotaru: Why? Sean: It's a magic number. Hotaru: Is it? Sean: Yes, it is. It's a magic number. > Well, here I am again. Shinji's out there...with Rei.... Hikari's busy >tonight with her family and Touji. Kensuke...well, maybe he's worse off >than I am, what with losing his savefile like that. But only barely. Hotaru: OK, I call no way! Asuka, wheter it's a parody or not, wouldn't give a rat's ass about Kensuke's savefile. Sean: Agreed. > Finally, she gave up, and turned on the TV, doing a bit of channel >surfing. Finally, she settled on some old gaijin movie, untranslated, >set in outer space somewhere. Of note was...what was that, a "laitoseba" >wossname? She really needed to brush up on her English. Sean: Gratuitous ref time. Hotaru: Like you've *never* done that before... > Sometime during the movie, Asuka drifted off towards sleep, just about >to embark on an Enlightening Dream Sequence (tm). Unfortunately-- Sean: The author doesn't like Asuka and therefore wants to keep her unreasonable for the next few parts. > Asuka snarled at him, then stalked to her room, giving him one last >withering look. Shinji sighed in relief. This had been a day of ups and >downs. Hotaru: So to speak. Sean: (as Rei) Aw, look, it's gone down again. Don't worry, I'll get it up for you! > [Sounds like...someone singing..."Achy Breaky Heart"?] > > [Egad.] Sean: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hotaru: Strike a nerve? > For some reason, though she was now lying in her bed, Asuka couldn't >sleep. She sighed. Hotaru: Note to the author: turning from being an annoying bitch to being a self-pitying bitch is not character development. > Shut up, already! Don't worry about that. Tomorrow, tomorrow we've got >some more training. Hand-to-hand stuff. I'll show them, I will. Hotaru: Will we have the whole 'period' thing in this parody? Sean: Oh God...the fire this time. That would be evil. > Gah. I'm whining with myself. This is bad. Sean: You said it. Hotaru: The whole sequence comes across as rather annoying. You're supposed to feel for her, but you don't. Just a little soulless, IMHO. > Yeah, tomorrow. I'll show them. Sean: Foreshadowing: your key to quality literature. > *bam* *bam* "The Council of Ayanami will now be in order." *bam* Hotaru: See, *Rei*, his *favorite*, gets the dream sequence. Sean: Let it go. > You ain't seen surreal until you've seen this. Sean: I have *every* episode of Twin Peaks on tape, thankyouverymuch... >Also, thanks to Nervous, who managed to keep things under control and >stop us from scaring Shinji away by being, that is, too forward." Hotaru: Yeah, Rei's point. Shinji's forward. Sean: Errrgghh... > "Play matchmaker, in other words," called out Affectionate. Hotaru: *Are* there any other men in this story? Sean: Well, lessee...not reasonable choices, no. > "Kensuke," said each and every single one of them, simultaneously. Sean: Oh, jesus fuck. Hotaru: NO! Nonononononono-- Sean: Point made. This will, however, make a nice running gag subplot. As long as it doesn't actually *happen*. > "Why can't I ever have a _normal_ dream?" Hotaru: Asuka has those. Sean: The price you get for being ethereal and mysterious. > Touji went a little pale. "I'm going to have to fight _him_?" Shinji >did, after all, have the best combat record of the three veterans. Sean: (as Touji) But...but he's a spineless wimp who'd probably let me win! Hotaru: Not here, apparently. > Misato just smiled. "Did the Gumby trick, eh?" (Sean and Hotaru giggle.) > "Rei! LOOK OUT!" Then, to the techs--"Cut Unit 02's power supply NOW!" > > *PFFSSSS* *CLANK* Hotaru: Around this point, you realize that this is no longer just your normal parody, but has actually become a real story. I'll go into this more in the wrapup. > EVA-02 dropped 00 just in time to be slammed into the wall by an >equally berserk EVA-01. Sean: (quietly) Oh, fuck. Hotaru: Ah, so he's decided to kill Asuka off. > "Shinji, don't--" > > "IT HURT REI!" Sean: It bad! Shinji kill! > "You can't--" > > "IT'S AN ANGEL, ISN'T IT?!" Hotaru: No, it's a cheese dip. OF COURSE IT'S AN ANGEL! > "But Asuka's in there!" > > There was a pause, filled with the sounds of the walls cracking from >the pressure. "Aren't you trying to calm me down?" Sean: And just when you think the story's taken over...this was funny. Hotaru: I was thinking, "Your point being?" > Asuka blinked, and rubbed her head in pain. What had happened? Well, >it was most decidedly odd, whatever it was. She looked around, through >the sudden gloom. Sean: No...it can't be... Hotaru: But it is! > It was humming a tune to itself, somewhat out of key. Sean and Hotaru: IT'S A DREAM SEQUENCE FOR ASUKA!!! > "Commander! You're finally here...another slow moving car?" > > "Ah, er, yes. Shinji...." > > "DON'T JUST STAND THERE!! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!" Sean: The wacky antics of Augie Doggie and Doggie Daddy! Hotaru: Another touching father/son moment. > The thing started to sweat a little bit. [Ah, ah, ah...I'm...ah...your >soul! Yeah, that's right.] > > Asuka recoiled. "DU!?" She lapsed into German. "Du bist meine Seele!?" Sean: Bwahahahaha! Hotaru (also laughing) That'll teach it to impersonate! > "Du, du kleiner Scheiss? Igittigittigitt...." Sean: Uh oh, Asuka's channelling Kraftwerk again... > She started to fume a bit. "This sucks! I mean, Shinji's looks a >little silly, I suppose, but Rei's is...it's so cool looking, and...." >She shook her head, unable to verbally express the grandeur of Rei's >essence. "And here I am, stuck with an ugly little bastard like _you_!?" Sean: Think we'll *ever* find out what Rei's looks like? Hotaru: Nope. > [Ah, nothing, nothing at all. Well, why might you be here, do you >think?] Hotaru: Y'know, this is really a terminally *stupid* Angel. Sean: Yeah, he lacks true villainy. "You're asking me?" [Well, I, uh, don't know everything that goes on....] > Asuka shrugged. "I don't know myself." She looked around. "Do you have >any idea what all of this is supposed to represent? Or that statue, for >that matter." She stepped closer. The statue edged back away from her, a >little bit. Sean: Uh oh. Words in the head. > Asuka's eyes widened. Hotaru: Which one would have thought to be a physical impossibility. > Funny, this. She was running away from her own EVA, if that golem >really was supposed to represent her EVA. It was certainly symbolic. >Unfortunately, she had no idea what it might mean. Anyways, time to try >to stop the thing. Hotaru: I'm guessing the whole mother thing will never really come up. Sean: Probably not. > "Geez...I hate comparative religion." Sean: We all did, kid. Hotaru: It's worse at a Catholic university, trust me. > "MOON TIARA ACTION!" Sean and Hotaru: > *clatter* Sean: I guess Andrew did check out that web site... Hotaru: The one with me in a plugsuit? Sean: Yeah... > Golems were artificial humans. They got their "life" from the words >written on their head. Rub out the words, somehow, and.... Sean: I think we're overdoing the Pratchett just a tad... > Asuka lay on the grass, panting. Her body was thin, yes, but filling >out nicely. And what was on there was almost all muscle. Still, it >really wouldn't hurt if she stopped by the weight room every now and >then. At least, try jogging a bit every day. Sean: Um, huh? Hotaru: It did seem to come out of nowhere. > [Um...I'm sorry?] > > "No, you're pathetic." Hotaru: Amen. > "Oh, dear." Ritsuko leaned over to Aoba. "Go get Jakob Schrottstechech-- >*kaff*" Ritsuko paused to recover the half-liter of spit she had just >lost. "Go get Jakob Schrottstechler...sorry about that." She wiped the >other half-liter of spit from Aoba's face with a handkerchief. Hotaru: What? Sean: I think she means Dr. Scratchnsniff. > "Aua, das schmerzt doch.... Hat jemand ein bisschen Aspirin? Mein kopf >tut mir weh." Sean: ~Ich bin der himmel...~ Hotaru: Ich bin das wasser...~ > Rei sat up slowly, returning the smile. "I feel better already." She >leaned towards him. He leaned towards her. Sean: This was rather sweet. > Two rooms down, a diabetic went into seizures. It took a few megadoses >of insulin to get him back to a stable condition. Hotaru: And nicely undercut. Sean: Well, this *is* a parody. >[Hello? Is there anyonAAAAAARRGHNONONONONOsqueep] >[aida% _] Sean: Aida seems appropriate, ne? > "Heh. Gotta love UNIX." Sean: No. You don't. Hotaru: Hey, he could have had a Mac... Sean: Aaaigh! You said the evil word?! > The writer nodded. Then, he turned to write something down in a >notepad. > > "Goal of the year...get a girlfriend...." Sean and Hotaru: We *really* didn't need to know this! Sean: Outta here. (o...2...3...4...5...6...G) (Sean and Hotaru are in their 'Siskel and Ebert' chairs, talking about the fic.) Sean: Another good effort from Mr. Huang. Hotaru: Agreed. It wasn't as flat-out funny as the previous two parts, but the storyline was more mature. I believe we'll start to see the story move from pure parody to a story with parody elements as time goes by. Sean: Yep. And for me, that's why the little "author" comments seemed more out of place this time. The fic seemed more real, so they didn't gel. Hotaru: And Andrew still needs to work on writing Asuka. He's got to do something *nice* for her. Sean: And we don't mean hooking her up with Kensuke. Hotaru: Overall: very good. Sean: Rei? (Cut to CT palace. Rei is standing over a pair of smoking boots.) Rei: That quickly? Well, Frank didn't work out, for some reason. I'm determined to get an evil assistant, though. It just doesn't seem right to be working alone... Voice: Rei? Is that you? (Rei pales.) Rei: Oh, no... (fwoosh) Rei: Grandpa? This C&C of Episode 3 of Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut was written by Sean Gaffney. The story itself was written by Andrew Huang, who's a nice guy despite his idea that Ryouga and Ukyou belong together. Evangelion is GAINAX's, and all that that entails. --Sean Gaffney --who'll do a *different* author next time...