[Editor's note: OK, Andrew. I *know* I said I really only wanted to do reviews on 'fics that I thought deserved more attention or really grabbed me. Well, this part *really* grabbed me. All right? Sheesh. :)] Frito: Yeah, it got ya by da short 'n curlies, huh? [Editor's note: Well, I don't know I'd put it like *that* --] Frito: Ahhh, get on with it already! Ya wanna write it, ya know ya wanna write it, he knows ya wanna write it, *they* know ya wanna write it, so stop whinin' and deal! OK? Windir: Indeed, a most colorful method of persuasion; I shall bring it to mind the next time I am required to negotiate on your level, although one would hope that the instances in which I must dispense with a cretin of questionable intelligence would be rare indeed. However, a question more apropos to the topic at hand would be whether *we*, as the reviewers, have attained an interest in reviewing the story in question. Lyra: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. The prosecution would like to submit, for the record, a tape recording of the conversation that took place in this theatre not five minutes ago, in which the witness stated -- Windir: A-heh. If we are, in fact, going to review this 'fic, should we not be about it? On 9/17/97 12:01 PM, Andrew Huang at alhuang@hcs.harvard.edu wrote: > All righty. Now, unlike the previous two, I think this could still >do with some adjusting, especially the parts toward the end. Any help is >greatly appreciated.... Frito snickers. Lyra: Um... you *did* know what you were getting into, didn't you? > Back to Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut. If this story makes you dizzy, >bang your head against a wall a little. Not too much, just a little. Windir: Though there are, indeed, those who that would not affect in the least. Frito: HEY! > Pardon the sugar content. Those with low tolerance for extreme WAFF >(Warm And Fuzzy Feeling) situations should NOT read this part. Or, at >least, be prepared to page through certain bits. Frito: Awww, geez! Ain'tcha gonna do better than that? Where's da blood 'n guts? Hows about some whoopie? I heard da original show had all kinds 'a good stuff like that! Lyra: You should have caught parts 1 and 2, then. All kinds of interesting things there. Frito: Wimp. Ain't got it ta put in da good stuff. 'Accessories', hah! Windir: I seem to recall the rather genteel attitude taken towards "Serina and Luna" by a certain stature-impaired fanfic reviewer... Frito: Look, that one's a good kid and I felt sorry for her, okay? Windir: Of course, Frito. > The writer sat down at his keyboard, and began bumbling^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H >crafting his latest masterpiece. > >************************************************ > > Misato yawned and stretched, giving a grand show to anyone who might >be watching. Frito: Woo, woo! > "Squawk!" > > "Oh, Pen-pen. Looks like Shinji already fed you." The bird nodded. >Misato laughed, remembering a certain dream. "Don't you start >philosophizing about the Angels and talking about design specs for Unit >01." Pen-pen merely looked at her strangely, then ambled over to his >refrigerated compartment, shutting the door behind him. Misato began >preparing for the day. > > The sound of typing was barely audible. [Open log_] > > [Log opened_] read the computer screen. > > [Report of Agent P: The woman knows too much...._] Lyra: Oh, dear. Frito: I suppose they're gonna take 'er away and do all kinds a' kinky stuff ta her now, right? Huh? Right? Huh? Lyra whaps him indulgently out of the chair. Lyra: Frito no hentai! > "Good morning, Shinji-kun." > > "Ah, good morning, Rei-chan." > > The two students sat down at empty desks next to each other. It was >quite a sight: Rei _not_ staring out the window, silently, and Shinji >_not_ idly slumped at his desk, listening to Touji and Kensuke yammer >about Misato--instead, they chatted quietly, smiling. A cute couple, >they were. > > But then, the past few days had been highly odd anyway, even by >Tokyo-3 standards. Rei with outward personality, Shinji with >backbone.... Windir: Our acquaintance Down Below shovelling snow... > "Ah, I guess I want to talk to you...." Touji smiled weakly. Hikari >nodded, and they walked over to a corner of the room. Asuka sighed. She >turned her attention back to Rei and Shinji. She narrowed her eyes in >displeasure as she noted how much closer together they were, now. > > "So, ah, got any plans for today?" > > "Baka." Rei bapped Shinji lightly on the forehead. "We've got training >today, remember?" > > "Oh. Damn." > > Rei laughed softly, and put her hand over his. "Still, that doesn't >mean we can't...talk after we're done." Windir: 'Talk.' A-heh. Frito, I do believe this is more along *your*... ahem. Lyra: Oh, I don't know... I've heard some *very* interesting stories about your days at college... Windir: NANI?!? > Shinji blushed a bit, smiling, then froze. "You know, Rei-chan...is it >normal for humans to swell up and turn bright red?" Lyra: This line seems a little off -- unless the author's *trying* to imply that Shinji sees himself apart from the human race, that is. No skin off my nose if he is, but it feels odd. Frito: If nothin' else, it's da kinda thing I'd be lookin' for from Rei like she is normally. Cold fish, ain't she? > Sana's husband Akito walked in, carrying a NERV (tm) coffee mug. "Hm?" > > "Ju-chan's Tamagotchi is acting strange. Take a look." She handed it >over to him. > > "NERV? Since when did they get involved with making these things? This >merchandising thing of theirs is getting out of hand." > > [ARGH! I can't find my way around this place worth a DAMN!] Windir: Heh. Frito: Awww, didums get lost on da way to da show? Lyra: I like just about all of these 'thirteenth Angel' bits. Lucky devil, isn't he? > Hyuuga sighed. "I found another machine that _said_ it had Dr. Pepper. >I put in the money, punch the button, and then the LED sign on it asks >where NERV is or something like that. It didn't give me my soda. So I >kicked it, the stupid piece of junk. The next thing I know, I'm on the >ground, an exploded can of _Mr. Pibb_," he growled the name of the soda, >"lying next to me, my forehead's bleeding, and some girl with long black >hair wearing a Shinto priestess outfit is there slapping wards on the >drink machine." Windir: Hm. Hino Rei, or Sakura? Frito: Who cares? They're both babes! Windir: Perhaps, if one could feel justified in applying such a vulgar term to the matter of feminine aesthetics. However, upon further consideration, one should note that Sakura is rather older than Miss Hino; the term 'girl' is not likely to apply to her. Lyra: Mmmmmm. I'm sure she'd *love* to hear you tell her that in person... Windir: > Maia could only stare at him. "Well...." > > "I dunno, those wards seemed to have worked, 'cos the machine stopped >beeping after that. Nice girl...can't remember her name right now, >though something tells me that I really should. At least her first >name." Hyuuga fell silent a moment, grumbling. "I ought to sue, you >know." Maia nodded and started to say something, but Hyuuga went on. >"False advertisement! That machine said it had Dr. Pepper!" > > Maia fell out of her chair. Lyra: I really don't know about this Dr. Pepper joke, though. It's a little funny at times, but the author lets it get away from him. It's not really funny enough to carry as much as he puts on it. >************************************************ > > "Actually, I don't mind Mr. Pibb that much. But I do like Dr. Pepper a >lot more." The writer paused. "Well, so much for the pretense of having >helpful comments." > >************************************************ Windir: *No* comment. > Caspar was silent, thinking. Then, he spoke. [I feel...a disturbance >in the Force.] > > Melchior sighed cybernetically. > > [Balthshazar, have you been downloading those gaijin movies again?] > > [Umm...no comment.] Lyra: >------------------------------------------------ > > "Dammit. Rei knows Jujitsu, too, does she?" > > Gendou continued wrapping his two wrists and both ankles with tape, >giving a vicious tug with his words. It was kind of difficult, with both >of his arms in slings. > >------------------------------------------------ Lyra: On the other hand, I *like* this running joke. A bit over the top, yeah, but it's funny. Frito: Ha! Ya gotta hand it ta her... If ya don't, she's gonna beat ya up and take it! Windir: Hmmm. I should note that I disagree with the problems a prior reviewer had with the characterization of Gendou. While our experiences do not, to be sure, include a perusal of the later episodes of the source material, it seems to me that his portrayal in this and similar incidents provides an effective satiric counterpoint to the stern, cool, always-in-control leader of the original source. Frito: Sheesh. > Kensuke sat down next to Asuka during lunch. He had no one else to >talk to, considering how...involved the others were. > > "You know, I'm getting sick of this. It was Rei and Shinji the past >few days, and now Touji and Hikari, too." Windir: I am beginning to catch certain hints of a future direction of a plot thread... Lyra: Hush. Wait and see, don't go reading into things yet. > "Feeling lonely, eh? Yeah." > > Asuka looked at him strangely. "What do you mean by that?" > > "Well, I mean," continued Kensuke, waving in the general direction of >the two couples, "seeing all that around you, y'know, but not...." He >sighed. > > Asuka softened a bit. "I suppose you're right." They returned to >staring at the two pairs. Finally, Kensuke got fed up. Frito: 'Wait and see,' phooey! Da author's goin' at somethin' here! > "That's it. Enough with them." He turned to the computer on his >desktop and turned it on to play some Nethack. Asuka looked over his >shoulder. Frito: Eahhh, give me Moria any day! > "Wow, you're playing a Tourist? Tough one." > > Kensuke nodded. But before he could start the game, the screen >flickered wildly. > > [Where is NREV? I mean, NERV?] Lyra: Ack! Frito: Heheheheh... ain't ya learned *yet*? > Asuka blinked. "What?" > > Kensuke screamed. "MY SAVEFILE!!!!!!" Windir: I have this odd premonition about the future prospects of this entity, should our friend discern what befell his savefile... > Ritsuko nodded. "I'll get this data to the Magi. And who's playing >that music? It's starting to get distracting." > > [Sorry.] The Star Wars theme turned off. Windir: > "Thanks. I--" Ritsuko stopped, looking around, then shrugged. More >important things lay ahead. Windir: Indeed. Frito: Aw, comeon, Windy! Lyra: Just imagine the look on their faces if they realized who was talking... Frito grins. >------------------------------------------------ > > School let out. At last. > > Asuka sighed in relief, now that she could finally get away from those >four. Then she frowned. "Right about now, Hikari and I would be going to >the mall, normally." She grumbled. She wasn't about to go there >alone.... She sat down at a bench, staring up at the clouds. > > I really shouldn't be so bothered by all of that. I mean, I've done >just fine on my own for years now. > > "Asuka?" > > Yeah, that's right. I don't need to worry about that. Hey, maybe I >_will_ go shopping by myself. > > "Asuka-chan?" > > Besides, it's not like I should spend all my time with Hikari. > > "Asuka!" Frito: Hey, baka! WAKE UP!! > The thirteenth Angel was getting nervous. It was, at present, >surrounded by many, many individual electronic systems. It was going to >be next to impossible to get out of this place, it seemed. > > "Hey, there's Shinji. Next to the arcade. Hey!" > > "Oh, hi, guys. Man, I was going to try out that new Street Fighter >game, but most of the machines in there aren't working." > > [HELP!!!] Frito: Alright, so where's Matthew Broderick? Where's Joshua? > "Oh. Pity." > > Yes, the Angel wasn't going to be going anywhere for a while. A long >while. Windir: I feel so... moved... by its plight. Lyra: Oh, hush. > [Blue pattern, huh? How come we haven't gotten any trace of it?] > > [You must reach out with the Fo--] > > [WOULD YOU GET OFF THAT DAMN MOVIE ALREADY?!] > > [Okay! Okay. Calm down, you'll burn out a circuit.] > > [Too late. I think some of yours carried over to me, or something like >that. Balthshazar. Balthshazar! Get off the freaking Net already, would >you?] > > [Sorry, sorry. I found some Babylon 5 clips, and....] Windir: Hmmm. Lyra: Hmm? Windir: I must assume this has its elements of humor, but... Lyra: But? Frito: But. But-but-but. Lyra: If either of you makes a 'motorbut' joke, I'm going to have to shoot you. Purely in the name of humanity, of course. Windir: Of course. > [Well, until I can see it with my own...um, "eyes", then....] > > [Same here.] > > [Well, keep looking, then.] > > Caspar returned to playing the saved game of Nethack which had somehow >appeared in his memory banks during that one detection of a blue >pattern. [Never got a Tourist advanced this high before. Not bad at >all.] Windir: Then again, it would seem the eventual recipient of our acquaintance's... generosity... would appear be rather immune to prosecution. > "Commander?" > > "Ah, Fuyutsuki. Update?" > > "There may be...what happened to you?" > > "I...ah...." > > "Did you go talk to Rei again?" > > "..." > > Mental note: don't cross Rei. Lyra: Really. Trust me. > "It's the strangest thing, isn't it?" > > Kaji nodded. He was, again, meeting with his contact, this time in a >crowded bar. No one paid them any attention. "Well, you guys have it all >too, don't you? Not like it's classified this time." > > "Yes, but we haven't had time to analyze any data yet. Have they come >up with anything yet?" Windir: And yet... Lyra: Yet? Windir: Yet there is, indeed, yet another excessive use of 'yet'... Lyra: Yet again. Frito: Would ya cannit with yet already? > "No. At least, not before an hour ago. I haven't heard anything since >then." > > "All right. So, what'll you have?" > > "No alcohol for me tonight.... Dr. Pepper." Windir groans and buries his head in his hands. > "First off, some target practice. And now that we have all the soul- >filters from...." There was a pause, and the rustle of papers being >read. "From Maxwell House in place, all four of you can train together >again." Lyra: He'd better be getting a darned good product placement fee for this, 'cause he's sure building up a heck of a karmic load. > A cold, dispassionate voice broke in. "Don't worry about that. I'm >here for only one reason." > > Asuka raised an eyebrow. Seemed like Rei was back to her ice queen >mode. > > The cold, dispassionate voice warmed up. "But afterwards, on the other >hand...." > > Then again, maybe not. Windir: Attention, please? Will the real Ayanami Rei stand up? Thank you. Lyra chuckles. > Misato was impressed. Although Asuka's synch readings were still the >same as usual this evening, give or take one or two percent, her aim >was... > > *BLAM* "Ha! Dead center!" > > ...more or less perfect. _That_ meant that it was Asuka herself making >significant improvements. Kind of scary, actually. Windir: I do not doubt it. Particularly considering the potential motivations for this feat. > "Wow, Asuka," said an awed Touji, "you're doing great!" > > "Indeed," added Rei. > > "Huh? What?" Asuka turned EVA-02 to face the others. "I wasn't--" > > *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* > > "--listening. Oh." Frito: Whoops! He he he... > The outline of Unit 01's head--including its horn--was neatly >punctured into the wall behind it. Right next to the leftmost bullethole >was the control room. There was a complete, utter lack of movement. > > "Sorry about that." Lyra: Um, look, Shinji... I'd say you really need to start talking to her, huh? > Shinji grew a sweatdrop. > > EVA-01 grew a sweatdrop large enough to fill up a good sized jacuzzi. >Or two. > > A total and absolute silence marked the following few seconds, broken >quickly by a slight whimpering sound from somewhere. > > "Ah, Asuka, maybe you want to put the rifle down for a few moments?" >Misato flicked off the comm switch, eyes wide. "She was _distracted_ and >she managed to do that?" She turned to the others. "I can't...hello?" > > Maia peeked her head over the back of her chair, behind which she was >cowering. > > "Is she done yet?" > > "A-Asuka," wavered Shinji's voice, "whatever it was that I did to you, >I'm really, _really_ sorry. Could--could you point that someplace else?" Lyra: OK, that's a good start. Maybe. > "Not at me! Hey! HEY!" EVA-00 scampered...well, lumbered around to >avoid the potential line of fire. Lyra: My, she *has* changed, hasn't she? Windir: Rather looser and more colloquial than one might expect from her normally, yes. > "Sorry, sorry! I'll put on the--" > > *BLAMBLAMBLAM* > > "--safety?" Lyra snickers. > This time, Misato had also thrown herself to the floor. She sat up, >wincing. She hit the comm switch and said, "Touji-kun, there's no need >to keep praying out loud. She's out of ammuni--" > > *BLAM* > > A bit of glass went *tinkle*. > > "Remind me," came Misato's muffled voice from beneath the computer >terminal, "never to say _anything_ at all. Ever." Lyra: Oh, but think of all the drooling fanboys, deprived of 'service, service'! >------------------------------------------------ > > The Angel "staggered" through a few more circuits. Then, it realized >something. > > It was in an EVA. Unit 02, it seemed. And what was more, it was >active. > > [EUREKA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!] Windir: One might wonder if anyone would notice the difference -- *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* Windir: Ouch... > Now, then, to infiltrate-- > > "Great job, you all...especially you, Asuka. No, don't try to bow, >it's okay. Stop waving that rifle all over. All right, let's call it a >day." > > "Turning off external power...draining internal reserves. Has anyone >found my Prozac yet?" > > "No, but here are some of those dried frog pills that I haven't used >yet--" Windir: Gratuitous Pratchett Reference, Number... how many does this make? Lyra: Who's counting? Who *could* count, by this point? Frito: Aw, enough already! Ain't it funny enough for ya? Windir: One could wish for a bit more subtlety, or at least a bit -- Lyra: Windy, you're nitpicking again. Windir: Oh. > *WHIIIiiiirrrrrr* > > The systems went dark as everything was shut down. > > [I have no eyes and I must cry....] Frito: I don't get it. Windir: 'I have no brain, and I must read Science Fiction.' Lyra: Try reading Harlan Ellison. Not that the original wasn't creepy enough Then again, it might be just right for you. > In a lounge, somewhere in HQ, with the lights dimmed down a bit.... > > Two figures still dressed in plug suits, one mostly white, the other >blue and white, were sitting on a couch. Or more precisely, the one in >blue and white was sitting on the couch, while the one in mostly white >was on the lap of the first. Needless to say, they were _very_ close to >each other. > > "Well...what do you suppose Nietzsche _did_ mean by that?" > > "I'm not sure myself." > > They were deep in conversation, indeed. A rather cozy scene, it was... > > "Oh, forget about it." > > *smooch* > > ...and even more so now. Frito: Aw, come on! That's *boring*! Nothin's happenin'! Windir: Indeed? How so? Frito: Just look at 'em! She's sittin' on his lap, and they ain't even doin' nothin'! Windir just looks on silently, as Lyra shakes her head. Windir: It would appear that the earlier behavior he evinced may have been the aberration. Unfortunately. Lyra: Give him time, give him time. > Shinji nodded his assent. They sat in silence for a few minutes, just >thinking and...snuggling, for lack of a better word. > > "Shoot, look at the time. I'd better get home...." > > Rei pouted cutely, something which she getting even better at >nowadays. > > "Ah...but I'm sure Misato won't mind me being a little late...." > >************************************************ > > The writer stopped and stared. Then he looked up. > > "Did you just feel that sugar rush too? I think I did. Yow." > >************************************************ Frito: Naaah! This stuff'll give ya cancer! Windir, Lyra: ... Frito: uh-oh. > "Well, take it easy. I gotta do some work...." Misato left the living >room and retreated to her bedroom. Asuka resumed staring up at the >ceiling. > > Well, here I am again. Shinji's out there...with Rei.... Hikari's busy >tonight with her family and Touji. Kensuke...well, maybe he's worse off >than I am, what with losing his savefile like that. But only barely. > > Kaji...where is he? I mean, I haven't seen him in days. He'd >understand me. Of course he would. Being lonely sucks.... Frito: You ain't kiddin', sister. Windir: > Finally, she gave up, and turned on the TV, doing a bit of channel >surfing. Finally, she settled on some old gaijin movie, untranslated, >set in outer space somewhere. Of note was...what was that, a "laitoseba" >wossname? She really needed to brush up on her English. Windir: Methinks the author needs a new movie reference. Lyra: Not to mention a new copy of 'Hooked on Phonics'. Took me three tries to figure out what that meant. > "I'm home," whispered a voice. It was followed by the careful shutting >of a door, and tiptoes that went near the couch. Shinji. > > Asuka waited until he was just past her when she got up. > > "Hey." > > "WAAAAAUGH!!" Windir: Amazing. How many decibels *was* that? It could not have been more than 15, at the most. Lyra: Sometimes alone at night is good, you bet. > Shut up, already! Don't worry about that. Tomorrow, tomorrow we've got >some more training. Hand-to-hand stuff. I'll show them, I will. > > Am I going to have to stare at them four all cozy together? > > What's your problem? Stop worry about them, already. You...I mean, _I_ >am doing fine. > > Well.... > > Gah. I'm whining with myself. This is bad. Windir: A nice introspective sequence. Lyra: And a nice sting at the end, too. > Her eyes drooped and finally closed. > > *bam* *bam* "The Council of Ayanami will now be in order." *bam* Windir: Eh? > It was a conference room, of sorts. It was filled with Ayanami Reis, >like in part 2, except now they were more organized. At the front of the >room was Original, who presided as the ChairAyanami. Seated around her >were the other Ayanamis (except for Lazy Rei, who was off asleep >somewhere). As usual, they were all dressed in the blue school uniform >(except for Professional, in her plug suit). They were now silent, all >attention focused on the ChairAyanami. > > You ain't seen surreal until you've seen this. Windir: ...yes. Undoubtedly. Lyra: Well, you *did* ask. Windir: ... > Original put down her gavel and then spoke. "I will now turn the floor >over to Book, who will give a report on the past few days." > > Book stepped up to a podium. "Our relationship with Ikari Shinji-kun >has progressed very swiftly--" she paused, interrupted by some cheering >from the back; Affectionate, of course. "Many thanks to Affectionate. >Also, thanks to Nervous, who managed to keep things under control and >stop us from scaring Shinji away by being, that is, too forward." She Windir: An interesting lapse in diction, there. Frito: Oh, yah? Now ain't that a coinkidink! Windir: -- Lyra: *Enough*. We are *not* going through this again, capice? >gave a piercing glance at Affectionate, who blushed a little, and >grinned. Book continued. "Attempts to keep us separated have been, >fortunately, easily put aside, with help from our, ah, Physical Security >official." She nodded at Kickboxer Rei, who nodded back. "So far, Frito: Heh. >everything concerning Shinji-kun has been just fine. However, there is >now another problem." Book stepped down, and Nervous took her place. > > "Uh, um, well, it's about Asuka. Er, Souryuu Asuka Langley." Nervous Frito: Like she needs an introduction? Lyra: Well, for some personalities... or, well, personality fragments... *everyone* needs an introduction. >paused and took a few breaths. "Ah, I think she's going a little nuts or >something out there. Ikari-kun mentioned that it was probably somewhat, >ah, related to us an' Hikari and Touji, y'know...." Her lip quirked as >she thought. "Sometimes, she's just annoying as usual, but then, she >gets just...really out there. It's weird." Nervous sat back down. Windir: A *remarkably* lucid summary. Frito: Not! Windir: > "So, the agenda is to find a solution to this. And beating up is out >of the question." Irate Rei sat back down, grumbling. Common Sense Rei >stood up. "The Chair recognizes Common Sense." Lyra: Now, wouldn't *that* be a nice change? > "As stated, it is probably related to feelings of lonliness on Asuka's >part, as her friends and colleagues are suddenly, ah, occupied with each >other. Therefore, one solution would be to, ah, distract her similarly." > > "Play matchmaker, in other words," called out Affectionate. > > "You could say it that way." Frito: I knew it, I knew it! Windir: It is, indeed, a logical progression. Lyra: To *some* people. > "Are there any other proposals, _besides_ kicking her into next week?" >Irate Rei again sat down grumbling. No one else said anything. "Well, >then, it seems that would be the chosen means." > > Common Sense continued. "And, of course, Windir: A most awkward construction. One would, at the least, expect some form of action -- an explicitly denoted pause, reaction from the rest of the meeting, or something similar -- to justify the paragraph break. Lyra: The last bit before the break felt kinda weak, too. > Common Sense continued. "And, of course, there is one obvious vic--that >is, candidate who comes to mind." She paused. > > "Kensuke," said each and every single one of them, simultaneously. Lyra: Hoo, boy. Frito: Get outa there, Kensuke! Run! *RUN*! They ain't gonna catch ya if ya keep movin'! > Practical Joker Rei started to laugh. Windir: Now, why am I not surprised? > Rei--that is, the real-world Rei, Windir: A second dash is called for here, not a comma. 'that is, the real-world Rei' is a parenthetical expression, and both ends of the expression need to be set off by dashes. >woke with a start. Blinking, she saw >that the clock read 3 AM. With a sigh, she buried her head underneath >her pillow. > > "Why can't I ever have a _normal_ dream?" Lyra: And since when did *anyone* in this series have a normal dream, hmmm? > Asuka watched with extreme interest at the two fighting. After a >little dancing around, Shinji had finally gotten past Touji's long >reach, and they were now grappling in close quarters. "I'll have to take >notes," she said. > > "It is a good idea. You never know what form or ability the next Angel >may have. They--" Rei ducked as a piece of wall went flying past her >EVA's head. "They have always seemed to have some sort of advantage in >the past." Lyra: They do seem to get along pretty well in the arena, ne? > Asuka nodded as she watched Unit 01 perform quite a piledriver on 03. >"Now, that had to hurt." > > "NOOGIE!!!!!" Shinji introduced EVA-03's head to 01's fist. His legs >were subsequently yanked out from under him by a maneuver known usually >only to contortionists of the extreme type. Lyra: You might want to clean this up a bit, especially the pronoun references. At first, I thought 01 had taken 03 down with a follow-up to its punch. > "No," said Rei, "_that_ had to hurt." Windir: Nicely witty. > "Ooh, now that's impressive. I didn't realize that Shinji knew how to >tie a knot like that." > > "That wasn't Shinji; Touji did that to his own arms. Lyra: Heh. This whole training session has a nice feel to it, though you really need to clarify some of the who-did-what-to-whom bits. >Ah, looks like he >got himself undone." The fact that EVA-01 was now flying across the room >attested to that statement. "Maintenance isn't going to be pleased." Lyra: Are they ever? > Shinji quickly closed in, before Touji could bring in his stretchiness, >but was quickly grabbed into a headlock. "Ha! Let's see how _you_ handle >a noog--OW!" Windir: Again, the attribution needs to be cleaned up. It is difficult to tell who is speaking here; since Shinji opened the paragraph, he is the implied speaker. > "Heh, like the horn?" Shinji performed a quick (if clumsy) judo throw, >smashing Touji onto his back. > > "Taught him that move myself," said Rei with pride. Lyra: This... could be interesting. >------------------------------------------------ > > Having gotten lost somewhere around Negative Three Thousand Six >Hundred Fifty-Eight Bottles of Sapporo On the Wall, the thirteenth Angel >finally realized that its host was active and ready to go. > > [It's showtime....] > >------------------------------------------------ Lyra: If someone shows up with a green face, get *out*. *NOW*. Then come and help us kill the author. Or our producer. Whichever comes first. [Editor's note: HEY!] > Asuka's battlecry rang through the Big Room, while Rei merely stared >at the charging EVA coolly. Windir: Also a nice character point. >Then, something happened. Were this written >in script format, it would go something like >[the view suddenly zooms in on Asuka's left eye, and then goes dark] >or so. Windir: Lyra: *Don't* say it. > Shinji jumped up to catch the berserk robot, but was backhanded away. >It reached Unit 00 and grabbed it by the neck. Rei, startled, had only >time to grab at the arms before they suddenly twisted and snapped the >neck. > > "REIIIIIIIII!!!!!!" > > "Pilot is...unconscious, but alive. She's all right!" Frito: Whew! Windir: An interesting example of the underlying serious tone to the story. Despite the running humorous events, there is a serious plot structure underneath that is most satisfying. [Editor's note: Yeah, I really like that style of writing.] Windir: As if this were a surprise? [Editor's note: ???] > EVA-02 dropped 00 just in time to be slammed into the wall by an >equally berserk EVA-01. > > "Shinji, don't--" > > "IT HURT REI!" > > "You can't--" > > "IT'S AN ANGEL, ISN'T IT?!" > > "But Asuka's in there!" Windir: Another nice sequence. For once, Shinji evinces a determination unforced by a direct attack. > There was a pause, filled with the sounds of the walls cracking from >the pressure. "Aren't you trying to calm me down?" > > "SHINJI!!" Frito: Did dis make sense at all? Lyra: No, not really. > Asuka blinked, and rubbed her head in pain. What had happened? Well, >it was most decidedly odd, whatever it was. She looked around, through >the sudden gloom. > > She was not in the entry plug. At least, the last time she checked, >there hadn't been any vegetation growing in it. Lyra: Well, she *certainly* isn't the type to let moss grow underneath her feet... >She got up off the >ground, brushed off her plug suit, and walked towards a soft glow. >There, she found.... Well, whatever it was, it looked like a rather >ratty little creature. It certainly smelled ratty. And it was sitting on >top of what appeared to be a clay statue. > > It was humming a tune to itself, somewhat out of key. Frito: o/I was strollin' through da park one day... in da merry merry month of --/o WHAM Frito: eep. > "I said, who the hell are you?" > > The thing started to sweat a little bit. [Ah, ah, ah...I'm...ah...your >soul! Yeah, that's right.] Frito: Yeah, really! I am! And dis here is da Queen of Sheba, and here's Princess Beatrix of da Netherlands... > Asuka recoiled. "DU!?" She lapsed into German. "Du bist meine Seele!?" > > [Uh...what?] > > "Du, du kleiner Scheiss? Igittigittigitt...." Lyra: Sebastian should be thrilled. > [I can't understand a word you're saying.] > > Asuka got a handle on herself. "You're my soul." > > [Absolutely right. Ah, heh.] > > She started to fume a bit. "This sucks! I mean, Shinji's looks a >little silly, I suppose, but Rei's is...it's so cool looking, and...." Lyra: Are we ever going to see what that looks like? Frito holds up a jelly donut, grinning. Lyra: Ask a silly question... > Asuka shook her head and sighed. "Isn't this the sort of thing that's >supposed to happen to Shinji? I mean, come on...weirdness like this is >his job, not mine." > > The creature thought quickly. [Shinji...Shinji...oh, right your--I >mean, our friend, the, ah, other pilot. You, you, ah, we, never mind.] > > She stared at it, hard. "What?" Lyra: Strike one... > [Ah, nothing, nothing at all. Well, why might you be here, do you >think?] > > "You're asking me?" Lyra: Strike two... Windir gives her a puzzled look. > Dammit, dammit, I think I'm in trouble, dammit.... [It's, ah, your >mind, you see, and here I am, in the middle of it, of course! Yes. And, >er, this statue is, you see, you, that is your physical body. And, >and....] > > Asuka stepped closer again. Now, she got a really good look at the >thing and also got a stronger whiff of what scent it was carrying. >Asuka's vanity struggled with what she had just been told, and her >vanity won. Very easily. "I don't believe it. No way. Not a chance. I >won't believe it. I'm asking you again. What are you, and what is that >thing you're sitting on?" Frito: Strike three! YER OUT! > It paused. [Oh, forget it. I'm Angel number 13, and this here is the >metaphysical equivalent of EVA-02. A golem, an artificial human.] Then, >to the golem, it said, [Sic her!] Frito: Dumb, buddy. Really, *really* dumb. Get a clue! > "Damn it," panted Asuka, "these things aren't supposed to happen to >me. Just Shinji, or maybe Rei...not me." She ducked around a tree, >hearing the rumbles of the golem stomping behind her. Lyra: Welcome to the live of an EVA pilot, kid. > Asuka stepped out from the shadows of some shrubbery. > > "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost--I command you >to LEAVE!!" > > The Angel blinked. The golem paused, then kept coming. > > Asuka took off again. Frito: Whoops! Lyra: Heh. > The golem charged around a few trees. > > "Take THIS!" > > A pair of wards slapped on the chest of the statue, then fluttered >limply to the ground. > > [I don't think Shinto and Judaism mix.] > > "Geez...I hate comparative religion." Lyra: Nice one. > "MOON TIARA ACTION!" > > *clatter* > > [Now, I didn't think much about the paper for those wards, though I >was wondering a little about where you could have tucked away a crucifix >on that plug suit of yours, but where did you get that glorified >frisbee?] > > "CRAP!" Asuka again resumed running. Windir: Lyra and Frito facefault. > Wait.... > > Golems were artificial humans. They got their "life" from the words >written on their head. Rub out the words, somehow, and.... > > "Good thing I took a look at that translation of the Kabbalah...but >how am I going to get rid of the words?" > > Then, she knew. > > [What now, little girl? Going to ask the hamadryad in that tree to >help?] > > *crack* > > [Wh--] > > *THWOP* Frito: Going, going... and it's outa here! Hoooollllyyyy Cow! Windir and Lyra edge away slightly. > Brute force seems to be a good answer to certain questions.... > > Asuka lay on the grass, panting. Her body was thin, yes, but filling >out nicely. And what was on there was almost all muscle. Still, it >really wouldn't hurt if she stopped by the weight room every now and >then. At least, try jogging a bit every day. Frito: Huh? > On the border of her mind, something was whispering to her that this >all wasn't really happening, that this wasn't her physical body. That, >then, asked the question, why she was feeling out of shape. Windir: Another paragraph that could stand some clarification. > In front of her was the statue, a chunk of its forehead sheared off. >That piece was what had the holy words written on it, which had given >the golem its life. A tree branch lay next to it, half snapped through. >A little farther beyond was the rat-thing that was the thirteenth Angel. Frito: 'Heh-heh, um, I didn't really *mean* to hurt nothin', really!' > She staggered to her feet. Holding her breath, she walked over, picked >it up by what might be technically termed a "neck", and glared at it... >though it is slightly hard to glare when a lingering stench is making >your eyes cross. Lyra: Yes, I can just see her doing that. > [Um...I'm sorry?] > > "No, you're pathetic." > > *punt* > > Asuka watched the Angel with the remarkably short career it as it flew Windir: -- Frito: Yeah, yeah, da Grammar Patrol strikes again. Lyra: I do wonder at calling it a 'remarkably short career', though. A remarkably short *successful* career, now, I'll buy that... > "Blue pattern gone, sir! Pilot is reviving...Asuka's conscious." > > "Hallo, Alle...." > > "Asuka? Are you all right?" > > "Was? Wie, bitte? Was ist denn los?" Lyra: Oh, *Sebastian*... > "Oh, dear." Ritsuko leaned over to Aoba. "Go get Jakob Schrottstechech-- >*kaff*" Ritsuko paused to recover the half-liter of spit she had just >lost. "Go get Jakob Schrottstechler...sorry about that." She wiped the >other half-liter of spit from Aoba's face with a handkerchief. Frito: Ick. > "That's disgusting." Frito: You ain't kiddin'. Lyra: Frito? Windir: Indeed, it seems a remarkably low-brow attempt at humor. For a series that has shown a remarkable facility for wit and intelligent slapstick, this descent to scatalogical humor is most disappointing. > Shinji sat by Rei's hospital bed. They had said the shock of virtually >feeling her neck snap had put her out, but that she would be okay. >Still, he had been fretting nervously, and was immensely relieved when >he saw her eyes flutter open. > > "Rei-chan...." He took her hand in his. Frito: Awww. Kawaii. > "Shinji-kun? Is...." > > "Everything's all right. The Angel's gone. Asuka's okay, if a little >out of it right now. How do you feel?" > > "Just...a little tired. What happened, anyway?" > > "The Angel...remember that thing that kept on asking for directions >all of yesterday?" Rei nodded. "It got into Unit 02...it attacked >and...." Shinji paused, shuddering. "But Asuka managed to stop it and >then force it out. There's not any trace of it, the Magi say. She's >going to be okay, and...so will you, they tell me." He smiled. > > Rei sat up slowly, returning the smile. "I feel better already." She >leaned towards him. He leaned towards her. > > Two rooms down, a diabetic went into seizures. It took a few megadoses >of insulin to get him back to a stable condition. Frito: Author no BAKA! > "Aw, forget it." > > Kensuke, oblivious to the life and death drama that just finished >playing itself out, had been working for the past two hours on restoring >his savefile, to no avail. It was simply time to give up. > >[aida% mount floppy_] >[aida% cd floppy_] >[aida% rm *_] >[rm: remove all files? y_] >[are you sure? y_] >[are you really, really sure? y_] >[think it over. are you absolutely sure? yes dammit_] >[Hello? Is there anyonAAAAAARRGHNONONONONOsqueep] >[aida% _] > > For some reason, despite losing the file for good, Kensuke felt >vaguely satisfied. Windir: Heh. Borrowing a trick from Fujishima now, are we? >*** >To be continued.... >*** Lyra: *Good*. If you know what's good for you, of course. > Unlike, for example, John W. Biles, I define "making out" as to be a >lot of deep, involved kissing. So Rei and Shinji are still virgins, and >along with my refusal to write lemons, I also see no need for them to be >losing that status anytime during my series.... Windir: Whew. Travis Butler (The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS; tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook; ; Mac page ) ...You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.