This is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who abuse their partners. The first 4 behaviors (past abuse, threats of violence, breaking objects and any force during an argument) are almost always seen in an abusive person. If someone exhibits more than 3 of any of these warning signs, there is a strong potential for abuse in the relationship. An abuser may exhibit only a few of these behaviors, but they may be quite exaggerated.
An abuser may say, “I hit someone in the past, but she made me do it.” An abusive person who minimizes what happened with a previous partner is likely to be violent with their current partner. Abusive behavior does not just go away; long-term counseling and a sincere desire to change are necessary.
Threats of Violence or Abuse
Threats can involve anything that is meant to control the victim. For example, “I’ll tell your parents about your drug use if you don’t do what I want.” Healthy relationships do not involve threats, but an abusive person will try to excuse this behavior by saying that “everybody talks like that.”
An abuser may break things, beat on tables or walls or throw objects around or near the victim. This behavior terrorizes the victim and can send the message that physical abuse is the next step.
Any Force During an Argument
An abuser may use force during arguments, including holding the victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, and pushing and shoving. For example, an abuser may hold a victim against the wall and say, “You’re going to listen to me.”
An abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love. In reality, jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. An abuser may question the victim about who they talk to or be jealous of time spent with other people. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser will call the victim frequently, stop by unexpectedly or monitor the victim’s activities.
An abuser will claim that controlling behavior is out of concern for the victim’s welfare. They will be angry if the victim is late and will frequently interrogate the victim. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser will control the victim’s appearance and activities.
An abuser will often pressure someone to make a commitment after a very short amount of time. The abuser comes on quickly, claiming “love at first sight,” and will tell the victim flattering things such as “You’re the only person I could ever love.”
The abuser is dependent on the victim for everything and expects perfection. The victim is expected to take care of everything for the abuser, particularly all emotional support. The abuser will say things like, “You’re the only person I need in my life.”
The abuser will attempt to diminish and destroy the victim’s support system. If a female victim has male friends, she is accused of being a “whore.” If she has female friends, she is accused of being a “lesbian.” If she is close to her family, she is accused of being “tied to the apron strings.” The abuser will accuse people who are close to the victim of “causing trouble.”
Blames Others for Problems
Abusers will rarely admit to the part they play in causing a problem. S/he will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames Others for Their Feelings
An abuser will tell the victim, “I hurt you because you made me mad, ” or “You’re hurting me when you don’t do what I ask.” Blaming the victim is a way of manipulating them and avoiding any responsibility.
An abuser can be easily insulted. The slightest setbacks are seen as personal attacks. An abuser will rage about the everyday difficulties of life as if they are injustices — such as getting a traffic ticket or not doing well on an exam.
Cruelty to Animals or Children
An abuser may brutally punish animals or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. Pets can be used to control the victim or to emotionally abuse them.
“Playful” Use of Force During Sex
The abuser may like to hold the victim down during sex. They may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless. An abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. They may demand sex or start having sex with the victim when they are sleeping or very intoxicated.
Rigid Sex Roles
Male abusers often expect women to serve and obey them. They view women as inferior to men and believe that a woman is not a whole person without a relationship with a man.
Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers, and these behaviors are related to other traits such as hypersensitivity. This is not always a sign of mental health problems but may be a way of controlling the victim by being unpredictable.
Adapted from Wilson, K.J. When Violence Begins at Home: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Ending Domestic Abuse. Alameda, CA: Hunter House Publishers, 1997