- If your car is running poorly, the problem is probably somewhere in what those
in the know call the “engine.”
- Generally, coat hangers make poor replacements for car parts. You should at
least add duct tape if you want them to last until your next oil change.
- If you are having trouble seeing anything in your car, try opening your
eyes. Blind? Assume the fetal position, you dumbass.
- No matter what your neighbor tells you, “good lovin’” is not something your car
needs every 1,000 miles.
- If your trunk makes a repeated thumping sound, pull over at the next convenient
rest area and kill the informants before they figure out how to pop it from
inside.
- If your car ever stalls at high speed, you might have a problem with that thing
under your hood. Try replacing it. No, you idiot! Not that thing! Shit, you just
electrocuted yourself.
- You could try to take a broken car to the mechanic’s. It’s cheaper and more
economical, though, to just slit your wrists.
- Notice a funny smell in the car? Try hanging one of those pine-tree air
fresheners from your rearview mirror. Or, clean out the back seat and crack the
window next time when it’s over 100° and you need to leave the baby behind so
you can go to the strip joint.
- It’s important to keep the car’s parts lubricated. Hitting children seems like
it would be an efficient way to get fluid into the engine, but be careful: they
have many small bones that could clog your reverse flow output nozzle.
- No matter what your neighbor tells you, your car does not develop semen stains
on its hood as a result of regular “wear and tear.”
- If you are having difficulties without a patently obvious solution, inspect your
rearview mirror for fuzzy dice. If they are present, you have found the problem:
You are an idiot.
- When in doubt about the safety of touching an instrument, pay a homeless person
to do it for you.
- No matter what your neighbor tells you, your car does not have blue balls.
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