Things Not To Say Upon
First Meeting Your
Girlfriend's Parents

To Father: "My uncle had a hair piece that was almost as bad as yours!" -remove hair piece To Parents: "...that reminds me of the night we thought the condom broke..." -nudge father's ribs To Bartender: "We'll have four more Blow-Job shots over here...slow ass..." -adjust yourself To Girlfriend: "Why did you order me this? You know I don't eat spicy food..." -spit out food, slap her in the face Out Loud: "I really have to go to the bathroom..." -urinate in mom's wine glass To Girlfriend: "It sure is a good thing that your breath isn't anything like your mom's!" -laugh uncontrollably To Salt Shaker: "You are dumb, dumb, dumb, and I never want to speak to you again." -eat hair piece To Girlfriend: "You didn't forget to take The Pill again today, did you?" -wink at mom To Waitress Immediately After Mom Orders: "Actually, all she really needs is a salad..." -pat waitress on ass