June 14 1 pm: Soon your civilization will end, and the fires will fall and cleanse the earth. So then comes the Apocalypse. And I am its messenger. Travelling the country in my Moped of Death, I spread the word of impending Armageddon, that the people may know fear and cower before me. But heralding the coming Apocalypse is tiring. I must find a place to relax. I must rest. Regain my strength. Once again be able to grab this corrupt, dying world by the shoulders and bellow, filling its face with my hot, garlicy breath. A Motel 6 should do nicely. 3 pm: The room is sensible. Two beds. Bathroom with shower, toilet, sink. Towels freshly folded. Took one, put in bag. Don't think housekeeping will notice. 4 pm: Am starting to become disillusioned with my lodging. Sought out beverage from soda dispenser down the hall. The machine was out of Tab, and didn't even carry Fresca. Settled on Sprite. Poor subsitute. Carefully inserted three quarters, scowling at the faces engraved on them as they slid into the machine. They too shall soon meet their demise. Sensing victory, pushed Sprite button. No response. Pushed Sprite button again, then Coke. Nothing. Tried change return, but still nothing. Pushed some more buttons, then pushed change return really hard. Still no luck. Decided to outsmart machine with superior intellect. Unplugged it, plugged it back in. Nothing. Thirst. Despair. 7 pm: Begining to sense serious problems. TV remote control not functioning correctly. "Channel down" button does not work at all, nor does mute button. Am faced with difficult dilemma: 7:30 time slot has both "Cheers" rerun and second half-hour of "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." How to handle, especially with bad remote? Have settled on watching "Seven Brides" during the commercials. Must get up from bed to change channel. Not at all what I had in mind for the evening. Burn the world.   June 15 9 am: Spent horrific night in this purgatory. Strange lump in mattress, dug into kidneys. Should have it looked at by specialist. Air conditioner was stuck on all night; its howl kept me awake even as I lay shivering beneath the cheap blanket. Awoke bleary-eyed, calmed myself with CBS This Morning. Have decided to take action into own hands. Wrote nasty comments on Visitor Response form by ice bucket. Am planning on calling AAA to complain about the two star rating they bestowed upon this establishment. I am a consumer, damnit. I will not be slighted in this way. 10 am: Back on the road. Heading west. The End comes soon. Until then, I sleep only in Best Westerns.