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F O X P R E S E N T S H. Thompson Peters: FOX News's H. Thompson Peters here, uncovering the truth since 1974. Right now, I'm standing in front of beautiful Johnston Gate, for generations the prefrosh port of entry to the hallowed halls of Harvard University. Once they cross this portal from Harvard Square to Harvard Yard, however, these youngsters quickly learn just how hollow that hallow really is! Tonight we bring you harrowing tales of Prefrosh Weekend boredom--from the mouths of the poor bastards themselves. You there, named Bill, with the bad haircut, what's your tale of woe?
HTP: Please explain, Bill. Bill: Well, I heard about this kickin' party and I went to check it out. It turned out to be an Ice Cream Bash at the Science Center. I tried moshing, to no avail. It was still an Ice Cream Bash. It had not magically transformed into a "cool" party like those I saw in such movies as "Animal House" and "Teen Wolf II." There were just these kids. And Ice Cream. And no moshing or whatnot. [A large bear appears. Bill flees off-camera.] HTP: I see. Let's move on to another case. That of a girl named Sally Klinger. Well Sally, what happened to you? Sally: Ironically enough, I actually found a Harvard party. But...then...well... HTP: [Donning a safari outfit] Well, what? Sally: Well, I was carrying my red folder, you know the one they give out at prefrosh registration? And everyone started making fun of me. I just wanted to have a few drinks and dance and maybe hook up with some random guy--not be put on a scaffold and be made to wear my scarlet folder as a red badge of shame and then have to have a book written about my exploits by Nathaniel Hawthorne which every tenth grader in the United States would have to study in English Class. But that's what happened. HTP: [Opens lion cage] Really? [Tosses piece of Zebra meat towards Sally.] Sally: Well, not exactly...hey what??? [Bevy of lions charge and attempt to devour her.] Earrgh!!! [Is devoured.] HTP: Hmmm...interesting, no? What do you have to say about all of this, Rich Affke, prefrosh from Akron, Ohio? [Jumps into jeep. Starts shooting rifle at grazing antelope.] Rich: Oh shit! [Herd of elephants trample him. Swarm of bees sting face and genital region. Vultures begin to circle.] HTP: And so concludes "Animal Attacks in the Ivy League IV." Thank you, and good night! |
Bill: When I first arrived at Harvard, I was totally looking forward to the college lifestyle: drinking, women, loud music, mosh pits, hallowed walls, and whatnot ... basically, the whole 9 yards. Little did I know how hollow the hallow was!