So, when you come here in the fall, there are certain things you're going to have to know, and know well. Sort of like going to the bathroom: you know how to do it, and hopefully you do it well. (If you don't, then go back to kindergarten, poopy-pants.) Anyways, Demon magazine is happy to begin your college education with a simple lesson:
The Harvard admissions committee has deemed you worthy of having the option of paying $29,000 a year to come here. Should you decide to accept this offer, you will get your very own Harvard ID card. You realize, though, that if you lose that little plastic rectangle you have to pay twenty bucks for a replacement. That's five pitchers of cheap beer, a hefty fee for a crappy mug shot. But, in reality, you just can't put a price on a Harvard ID. These cards open doors for you, man! They are the keys to the universe! What's a Harvard ID really worth, and what can you get with it?
Well, for those of you who had enough foresight to lie about your age on your application to college, you've got yourself an official, genuine phony piece of identification. Unfortunately, most of us were too absorbed in perfecting that personal statement to consider the benefits of exchanging a few digits in a birthdate. Never fear, it doesn't matter how old you are, you can still get some.
Use your Harvard I.D. to get some at the Crimson Sports Bar and Grille: Flash your ID at the bouncer and your anatomy at the clientle and you're (dare we say it?) in! When you first hear the word "grille," you might think of barbecues, but that's only until you find out that there's an "e" on the end of this grille. That means class (mostly freshman). Good news for you! You might like to think first class, Grade-A, government-approved meat for your, er - grille. Alas, you will find a meat market with some of the least appetizing chops found anywhere. We're talking pork, Baby, real rump roasts. If you're not already a vegetarian, you might be after a trip to the Grille. But that's not the point - your beer goggles are on, and with your Harvard ID, you've got yourself perfect 20-20 vision.
Use your Harvard I.D. to get some more at the Hong Kong: Affectionately known as "The Kong," this bar/restaurant/cathouse boasts an equal opportunity bouncer. He won't discriminate against those under 21. Use your Harvard ID here for more than beer goggles. DRUGS AND PROSTITUTES! HAUL ASS TO THE THIRD FLOOR AND YOU'RE THE MAC DADDY, BIG GUY! And remember - if you use your Harvard I.D., not only will you get sex and drugs, but you will also get a 10% discount.
Use your Harvard I.D. to get some at Wellesley College: Okay, we know we're stating the obvious here, but a Harvard ID on the "Fuck Truck" will go a long way - and SO WILL YOU BIG DADDY! Now, fucking is not really allowed on the Fuck Truck - but you can get a head start. Flash that I.D at the chicks and, boy, they'll know you've got a future on Wall Street. And you'll know you've got a night on Easy Street, Don Juan.
Use your Harvard I.D. to get some at M.I.T: Listen up, Ladies, it's your turn. You're bound to attract the guys with a little strip tease--the magnetic strip on your ID card, that is. What were you thinking?
If you're not the drinking type, don't despair! There are plenty of places where you can flash that I.D. and still get some.
Use your Harvard I.D. to get some at Annenberg Hall: Say to dining hall worker, "Hey, swipe this." The worker will give you a dirty look, but don't worry, you'll still get in since you've already paid for all of your meals. Next, fill out a special order form and write in that you want a "Blue Plate Special"--that's the code word for a trip to the "Kitchen," i.e. the back room with the squeaky mattress. In the "Kitchen," bell-ringing beef is always the order of the day. Or, bring a friend and make a chickwich.
Use your Harvard I.D. to get some at Harvard's libraries: Lamont Library is kind of like the Grille: they ask to see your I.D., but don't really look at it. Harvard life is stressful, so scamming intense studiers is easy and you're bound to get some. If things don't go well, head to the bathrooms and get some from yourself. But, if you succeed in getting to at least second base, head over to Widener for the original Harvard sex experience. Don't forget your I.D.!
Use your Harvard I.D. to get some at Thayer Basement: You'll need your I.D. card to get down to Thayer basement, which is where the Demon office is located. Once you're here, you're guaranteed 100% quality play. We may not even card you.