A Pre-Frosh
Guide To
Hooking Up

Well, it's springtime, when a young man's thoughts turn to cleaning. Well, more accurately, cleaning and batting averages. Actually, cleaning, batting averages, and beaver. Bearing this holy trinity in mind, I think it's my duty to assist the next generation of first-year men in their first college experience. After all, hooking up in college isn't as easy as it looks! There's more to the equation than alcohol and music. There are also the cups that hold alcohol! The bribe to get the roommate out of the room! And the sneakers that aid your speedy retreat when you puke in her room!

You fellas should have an idea of what you're up against. You see, college women--well--they're not human. Not in the traditional sense of the word, at least. College women are cold, calculating, unfriendly things that would sooner spit in your eye and shout "restraining order" than let you steal underwear from their laundry baskets or peek through their windows. As you can see, this is far from ordinary behavior! You'll want to use advanced and sophisticated forms of mental manipulation when dealing with them, usually referred to as "reverse psychology." For example, upon first meeting an attractive young lady, an inappropriate response would be something like, "You look very nice today." Women will sense weakness and, like a pack of wolves, giggle at you until your trousers fill with urine. Now, a much better opening line would be "My, those pants make you look terribly fat." This will intrigue and captivate your prey, and immediately establish just how "Charles-in-Charge" you really are. Go on, let them know!

Now, first impressions. Your walk will also be a defining characteristic when women evaluate your sexiness, so swing your hips and flail your arms as much as possible. Feel free to shake, convulse, and speak in tongues (the biblical form of "sexy-talk"). This will let them know that you're a fertile young thing, ready to display your plumage and give women many babies. Remember, women like babies. This is why I wear diapers.

Finally, but most importantly, there's the romantic side of women to contend with. Love poems are a great way to be seen as "sensitive," so commit a few good ones to memory. A few suggestions are Lord Byron's "She Walks In Beauty", R. Kelley's "Come Lie Here Next To Me And Be My Lover-Lady", and e. e. cummings' "the way to hump a cow." Who could resist?

To the men of '02, happy hunting! You won't need luck with skills like these!