At last, the long-awaited results of the 87th annual Demon Haiku contest! What? You mean you didn't know about this contest and you're angry and bitter and longing to file suit against the editors of Demon Magazine? Well, that's unfortunate and we despise misfortune. That's why we have consolation prizes. So if you feel betrayed and left out, send us a telegram post-haste and we'll ship you a withered diffenbachia plant and a recipe for a delicious diffenbachia salad. Feed it to your smelly-socked, nose-picking, Party-of-Five not-watching, tattle-taling, Reagan-freak roommate, fake a suicide note and bam, you're Tier 1. The rest of you, enjoy the Haiku (That rhymes, but it doesn't have to).

 

The Results of the 87th Annual Demon Haiku Contest

 

Observational

Ever notice when
you have a boyfriend you have
to shave more often?

-Eleanor Roosevelt
 (Submitted by Hillary Clinton)

Contemplative

I wonder if when
George Bush was young they called him
George Cunt or George Snatch.

-Millie the cocker spaniel

Insightful

Masturbation. Why
do it yourself when you can
get boys to do it?

-Sally Jessy Raphael

Ironic

Missionary. A
sexual position named
after celibates?

-Joe McIntyre

Story-Telling

Down girl, he said. He
waited all night 'cause I thought
that he meant the dog.

-Gennifer Flowers

Informational

I know guys who think
they can convert a dyke with
the flick of the dick.

-Boutros Boutros-Ghali

Instructional

A, B, C, D, E,
F, G. H, I, J, K, L,
M, N, O, P. Q,

-Larry Bird

French

J'adore les petits
phoques. Est-ce que tu adore les
petits phoques aussi?

-Kouadio Kouassi

Translation: I love little seals. Do you love little seals too?
(Note: It doesn't have to follow the five-seven-five pattern in English. That's why it's a French Haiku.)

Duck language

Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack.
Quack. Quack, quack, quack. Quack!!! Quack, quack.
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

-Dan Quayle

Non-Haiku Haiku
(also Plagiarism)

Darkness falls across the land.
The midnight hour is close at hand.
Grizzly goons from every tomb
are closing in to seal your doom.
And you fight to stay alive,
your body starts to shiver.
For no mere mortal can resist,
the evil of the Thriller.

-Andrew Sofield



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