HONG KONG

Characters:

Dr. Fu

Chinese male, age indeterminate, of normal build. Has a short ponytail and wears spectacles - either the sort the IRL Dr. Fu wears or slim, ultrastylish gold ones. Also an expensive looking watch. Dresses in a conservative grey suit, with a handkerchief which looks silk tucked into the breast pocket of his jacket. Has an air of James Bond invulnerability about him - he is absolutely untouched during the fight scene, moving only to dust off his jacket when the chaos dies. Also has an enigmatic, know all air about him. The sort which says "I look like I'm running a dingy chinese joint, but this is actually my secret base from which I will be launching
my nefarious and unstoppable scheme to take over the world very shortly". His first name, for all practical purposes, is Dr.. Wei Long refers to him as "the good Dr." - but then WL's a dope. China born, but was educated at Eton and Oxford - hence he speaks (when he does speak) with a polished British accent. He also went to the Cornell School of Hotel Management - hence he now runs the Kong. Doesn't speak much - and when he does he basically makes polite threats. Moves very deliberately - think John Steed in "The Avengers". He fiddles with his hankie - this is the only sign of emotion he displays - the more agitated, the more rapid and violent the fiddling - done, of course, with a perfect poker face.

Note: During the Harvard Man song, we see the Wellesley girls try to seduce him - he brushes them off - and discreetly gives them his business card "for later".

Hey Yiu

Chinese male, age 26 or so, slightly thin and tall. He has a side parting - a conservative haircut trying to be funky, as it were. Dressed in waiter garb, but neat waiter garb. Went to Stanford, then came to HBS - from which he promptly dropped out in order to do the Harvard Drop-out thing ("I was too smart for the professors"). But failed. He's therefore VERY bitter. He knows just how arrogant Harvies are, and hates 'em all. Did I mention that he's VERY bitter? He hates the kids - because they're from Harvard, are making noise, taking up table space, and in general disturbing his obsessively neat world. Oh yeah - he's VERY bitter. He just loves anything which smells of broken dreams and nastiness. Key phrases include "Are you all set?" - which he uses often - and violently (so, incidentally, does his
IRL counterpart). Before I forget, he's VERY bitter. He talks like Will Hunting talking to a shrink - all the time. Only instead of lying on a couch, he looks down the barrel of his nose at everyone. And one final note - he's VERY bitter.

Wei Long

He can be summed up thus - if he died in a movie, he'd die screaming for his mother. Super earnest, super sincere irritating Frosh counterpart to Hey Yiu's disillusioned senior. Chinese male, in his 20s, shorter than either of the other Kong staff. He never combs his hair, and wears waiter garb - augmented by an apron (check out the IRL staff) with a pad in every pocket (these tend to fly all over when he's hassled) and a pen behind each ear and another in his mouth. Basically an affable nice guy - too dopey to realise he's neither appreciated nor liked. Speaks with an Alabama drawl - which changes into a Scarlett O'Hara voice after he comes out. His first line in the play could be "I AM!!!" On the other hand, we'd like to work in a bit about "Oh, look - they're tipping 8% today! Yay!"... Generally in
such a hurry he gets in his own way.

Valerie

bitchy, antsy, tired
bulimia takes over your life, orders it - that's what's going on with her
smoker
NYC, "Maurice Han School"

quotes,
"awesome"
compares everything foul with "ass"
"that's so..."

Her relationship with Jack is quite interesting

Her favorite birthday present? her BMW, of course, at least that's what she tells everyone -

really, her favorite present is a wire sculpture she received from a French one night stand, Jean Claude Guillaume Arnauld Alfonse Jean Jacques le Francois (apologies to frogs), name sung to yes, you knew it, the age old mary poppins song

She applied to Stanford, Tufts and above all, Penn (where all her best friends go)

Jack Canaday

"Clutch" (he likes to say it)

A shameless Connecticut preppie, shameless

recently, a tarrotcard reading dorm mate informed him that his aura was "non-hetero"

Best Birthday present: a mug signed by all his boarding school cronies

Childhood memory: abandoned in a department store by his mother when he throws a tantrum

He applied early and got in there was beef with his dad, though, he'd wanted to apply to Princeton, Dad said he wouldn't pay the application fee- and that was that

Laura P.

Wears horned rimmed glasses, hair in a bun, she's a wimp, premed and prelaw, wants to go into i-banking (or consulting), has RSI so she can't move her hands so people have to feed her with a fork, sort of insecure, touch-me-not, dating Billy Boy.

She and Valerie live in Hollis.

She has never had a boyfriend before, and she is not really sure about the concept of a boyfriend. She prefers studying to "studying" but she feels social pressure to have a boyfriend. She likes Billy, but really not more than just as a good friend. She does pretty much whatever he tells her though. This isn't really unusual for her because she doesn't have much self-esteem.

She is Valerie's roommate, but they don't get along well. They don't argue much, but there is tension between them. Laura is disgusted by Valerie's promiscuity.

She has some sort of splint-type RSI device on her wrists, so her hand movements are awkward. Occasionally she has an "RSI attack" and her hands curl into claws and she can't do anything with them.

Billy Boy

He's a cute dork, looks like everyone's little brother, condescending to Laura (he thinks he's better than her), torn between Val and Laura (but he's too immature to realize that he's in a bind), fromWisconsin, plays Nintendo, wears a baseball hat, writes news for the Crimson. Thinks all the chicks dig him.

Went to Rufus King High School.
Peter Pan complex
Likes basketball
Lives in Grays

Short hair, wears a dirty white baseball cap. He never takes it off but he is self-conscious about his hat-head. Wears standard T-shirt and Jeans. Constant cap-flexing. Puts his hands in his pockets and takes them out a lot.

He gets along all right with Jack. They are friendly, but not friends.

He doesn't really understand Meredith. Meredith kind of bugs him, but he doesn't dislike her "cause she's kinda pretty."

Purely sexual relationship with Valerie. Neither one likes the other, but they like having sex.

At first he's "King of the World" he has just finished his Crimson Comp. He has two girls: the brain and the beauty. Definitely a mack daddy. Unfortunately, things begin to unravel and he slowly falls from his pinnacle as the play goes on. He desperately wants things to stay the same and tries very hard to keep his life from falling apart. Alas, it is all in vain because everyone finally abandons him.

Pepe

Often talks about himself in the third person, or uses the passive voice

has "busy hands" (thanks, Andrew)

he's older - he deferred for a year

Best Present: a Zippo lighter with bugs bunny wearing his golden lock and
slinkola dress on it

applied also: Brown, Oberlin

Huey/Slim/Chuck/Jeremy:

Harvard Square freak, has every bodily appendage pierced, green hair, speaks in monosyllables. Everyone thinks he came with someone else, but he didn't. When people ask what his name is, he tells them something different.

Meredith

the Alternachick/Femmebitch
(a nineties Gloria Steinem or "Angel as a Centerfold"-Meredith's theme
song)

Physical appearance: Meredith, a fiery red-head who would be beautiful if only she tried, scorns make-ep and all other outward symbols of feminity. She tends to very stylish with her alternative clothing-she does the long haired, hemp choker look with beads. she weaves her own cloth for clothing. She makes jewelry out of bottle caps and paper clips. She's into the natural look, but it's a contrived natural look.

Movement: She moves very confidently, makes melodramatic graceful gestures (the consummate actress), tries to move like Ghandi, can be found in a lotus flower position seated on top of the table until she's booted off (does the whole pinched finger guru thing), she gets into peoples' faces (literally).

Motivation: She wants to seem righteous and noble. She read Medea by Euripides and Siddhartha by Hesse a little too many times. Strives to scorn "phonies" like a female Holden Caulfield. She wants to seem like the ultimate poster child for feminism and all alternachick. She's like the PCPD (politically correct police department). She has a vendetta against all things non-liberal (i.e. Jack Canaday).

Her dirty little secret is that she lapdances on the sly, for cheap thrills, while telling her friends she's doing community service at the Aquarium, feeding the little fishies. ("Is that what they call it these days???")

Relationship:
Canaday: they're enemies, though the enmity is more on her side b/c Jack doesn't really care. He thinks she's just another Cliffie bitch-ho (that's redundant!). She thinks Jack is a pretentious rich boy who should be donating his family money to orphans in Afghanistan-not to erect ugly riot-proof freshmen dorms. Her constant line to him: "At least I'm not riot-proof!"

Valerie: Meredith thinks Valerie's a sellout to masculine perception of feminity. Valerie thinks Meredith's a Cliffie bitch-ho.

Laura: Meredith thinks Laura's a wimp. Laura is scared of Meredith. Thinks she's a Cliffie bitch-ho.

Billy Boy: Meredith thinks that Billy is redeemable and she'll eventually convince him to join the ranks of feminism. (See the irony, folks?) Billy's willing to play along b/c she's the only woman he hasn't slept with.

Pepe: they compete for the drama queen prize. She thinks Pepe's trying to outdo her with his 'ttude. Pepe thinks she's a Cliffie bitch-ho, and besides, he looks better in his black leather than she does in her californian sackcloth. They've got the East Coast-West Coast duality going. Besides, they're both pretentious pseudointellectuals (get into very Harvardian debates spewing mutual bullshit).

HSF: Hooks up with him in the end. Who knows why? Dammit, beneath that cloak of rigid femi-nazi propaganda, Meredith's just as hormone-laden as the next girl.

History: She's Californian, she lives in Canaday (can you spell irony?), parents were lapsed hippies who went Cal Berkeley, went to public schools all her life, eternally bitter for being rejected from Brown, president of Amnesty International for the entire West Coast, she built huts in Uganda last summer and latrines in India. She is a woman of the soil. Her name when she's lap-dancing is "Kitty."

Favorite and Most Hated Things:
-Likes: vegetables, tofu, any East Asian thing/philosophy (that's why she flirts with all the waiters, but tries ineffectually to pick them up with Taoist allusions), feminism, Gloria Steinem, big Freud fan, lapdancing, CD's of rainforest sounds/dolphin noises, animals, starving children in countries with names too difficult to pronounce, bondage (with natural hemp rope, of course) as long the only noises the guy makes is submissive whimpering.

Dislikes: Canaday, Harvard, Harvard men, MIT men, BU men, men, boys, men, guys, old men, young men (but she really likes penises. no irony or anything). Material girls, like Valerie. The color pink. Techno and eighties music (which Pepe dies for).

Dialogue:
very Californian mode of parler. Fave expressions-she's a slangaholic"
"Like, whatever, dude"
"Color me stoked"
"Trippy"
"Face"
"Talk to the hand"
"What's your damage?"
"BFE" -(buttfucking Egypt)
"Styling" "tool" "sketchy"
But along with all this trendy word usage and inserting "like" between every other sentence, she should use very convoluted vocabulary. She speaks in run-on sentences (like Will's monologue in Good Will Hunting) which makes it very difficult for the actress to breathe in her metaphorical ecstasy, and difficult for others to interrupt.

SECONDARY CHARATERS:

The Wellesley Girls

Have basically got room for 2 thoughts before their brains crash - 1) I must find a husband. 2) Get the @#*$&#@* out of their oestrogen saturated environment. They basically wear nice clothes - only they're all 2 sizes too small... A good line for them to scream on entering the Kong would be "It's girls' night out!!!" Another line the daring writing group can try to fit in is "I/We crave the lusty smell of a male body..." Most of their action really occurs during the Harvard Man song... Other than the Dr. Fu seduction attempt, another idea would be to have one of them grab some bystander, and disappear under a table with him - the table subsequently
starts to rock violently. Which pretty much sums up their contribution to the play...

-German tourists (picture taking)
-Various patrons of the Kong

SETTING---

There's a huge, empty, round booth in the center, with smaller tables and customers around that (maybe a different light on the central table)

The usual HK acoutrement, gold and red the dominant colors

THE SCRIPT

Curtain goes up to reveal inside of Hong Kong restaurant. Two drunks are sitting in the background; they have been there forever.

Enter Dr. Fu. He walks to gong in center upstage and bangs it. Wei Long gallops in. Hei Yu slowly follows.

Wei Long: What are we going to do tonight, Dr. Fu?

Dr. Fu: The same thing we do every night Mr. Long, open the door and serve affordably priced Chinese food to the hungry Harvard masses.

Wei Long (with enthusiasm): YES!

Hei Yu: Here we go again...

Dr. Fu: Mr. Yu, is there a problem?

Hei Yu (resigned): No, no problem.

Wei Long opens door.

Song 1 JUST YOUR AVERAGE NIGHT AT THE HONG KONG

The song ends as Wei Long slams the door on the last of The Foreign Tourists. Our six Harvard Students and HSF are seated at the central table.

Hu Me: How Many?

Billy Boy (he looks around): Six?

HSF: Seven!

Silence for a moment as everyone tries to figure out who HSF is

Valerie (pulling Jack aside): Jack, by the way, I just found out my parents place on the Cape will be free this weekend, what do you think?

Jack: Um, we'll talk about it later.

Billy Boy: Great news, guys! I'm on The Crimson!

Pepe: Thats fabulous news, marvelous news! We're so proud. (Wipes a tear away from his eye)

Jack pats Billy on the shoulder.

Laura P.: You must be so excited!

Billy Boy: Not as excited as I'll be later tonight... (Looks at Laura)

Laura P. is taken aback. Valerie is disgusted and rolls her eyes.

Meredith: So Billy, I see the Crimson has fulfilled its chauvenist quota for the year.

HSF: Yeah . . . Billy.

Everyone looks at HSF. Uncomfortable silence

At this point there are several waiters on the stage: Hey Yui, Wei Long, Nho Him, Hu Me. They are all going about their jobs, serving customers and generally acting busy. While this exchange happens, the rest of the students pantomime looking at the menu, and deciding what to order.

Jack: Hey You! (To Hu Me)

Hei Yu goes up to the table.

Hei Yu: Can I help you?

Jack (pointing to Hu Me): No, him

Nho Him is passing by

Nho Him: Who Me?

Hu Me (looking up from a table where he is taking an order): What?

Jack (to Hey Yui): No, I was trying to get him (points to Hu Me).

Hei Yu: Hu Me?

Jack (points to Hu Me again): No, him.

Nho Him is passing by again

Nho Him: Who Me?

Hu Me (looking up from a different table where he is taking an order): What?

Jack (confused): Look, I'm confused. I just wanted to order some drinks from him over there (Points to Hu Me).

Hey Yui: That's not Him, that's Hu Me.

Jack: What?

Hey Yui: Oh, he's on second base, we're not talking about him.

Jack (igoring the last line, because it's obviously not from this play): I'm going to say this nice and slow, OK? (Hey Yui nods) What is his name? (Points to Hu Me)

Hey Yui (slowly): Hu Me

Jack (angry): No, HIM! (Points to Hu Me)

Nho Him: Do you need something sir? (Someone at another table raises their hand making the universal hand gesture for "can I have the check please?" Nho Him answers with the universal hand gesture for "Can you hold on a second? I have to deal with this minor annoyance first.") I have other customers to serve.

Jack: No, I was trying to order drinks from him (points to Hu Me).

Nho Him: Hu Me?

Jack (really angry): NO, HIM!

Nho Him: You really don't have to shout sir, I'm right here.

Jack: Alright, can we just order our drinks?

Nho Him: Sure, I believe Hei Yu is your waiter tonight.

Jack (giving up): Arrrghh, I give up. Someone else order.

Pepe:(indicating himself, Meredith, and HSF): Well split a scorpion bowl. Can you do anything special with that? A twist of lime, a little paper umbrella perhaps?

Hei Yu: No.

Billy Boy: I'll have a beer and she'll have a gin and tonic.

Laura P: I...

Meredith (to Billy Boy): Laura can order for herself, Billy.

Laura P: I...

Meredith (to Hei Yu): She'll have a lemonade. Hopefully they're organic lemons!

Jack: Val, what do you want?

Val: Whatever

Jack: I'll have a martini and she'll have a Tom Collins.

Hei Yu: Fine. I just need to see some I.D.

Everyone pulls out a fake ID, except Laura who isn't drinking alchohol, and Jack who tries to slyly slip Hei Yu a twenty. As he hands back the IDs he says to (in order): Valerie, Meredith, HSF, Pepe, Billy.

Hei Yu: Thank you very much... Ms. Carlyle, Ms. Moonshine, Mr. - I don't even know how you say this one? - oh well, Mr. Juan, Mr. (with much skepticism) Rudenstine.

Pepe: Meredith, I take issue with your use of the disjunct

Jack: Ya, how hopeful are those lemons?

Meredith: and I take issue with your rigid patriarchal views on language. According to post modern . . .

The people at the table continue their conversations in the background,and the focus moves to Hei Yu.

Hei Yu: Do you see this? This is why anyone who had any sense dropped out of Harvard.

Song 2 HARVARD DROPOUT SONG

The song ends, focus returns to the scene at the table, in mid-converstion.

Meredith: . . . and language should be an elastic and dynamic construct which should not be used to perpetuate the Western socioeconomic hierarchy . . .

HSF: Thats so right . . . Meredith

Hei Yu returns with the drinks.

Hei Yu: Are you ready to order now?

Pepe: The table would like some spring rolls and some more time. Thank you very much.

Meredith: No animals products were used to make those spring rolls, I presume?

Hei Yu looks at her as though she were an idiot.

Billy: I got your spring roll right here.

Everyone ignores Billy's tired sexual inuendo. Laura has been typing on her laptop for a while. In an effort to get things moving again, Billy changes the subject.

Billy: Are you still working on your CS 51 problem set?

Laura: Yes, and I have a seven page expos paper due tomorrow.

Billy: I have two articles about the growing size of the Harvard endowment, then I have to write a paper on John Rauls and his original position.

Meredith: Last night I only slept half an hour because of my 8 page paper for Avante-garde post-modern Russian authors. The night before I had a 5 hour long meeting for the womens action caucus for improving the life conditions of working women in third world countries. I spent the rest of the night protesting the exploitation of the Chilean sea urchin.

Jack: How the heck do you exploit a sea urchin?

Billy: Bend over and Ill show you how to exploit a sea urchin.

Jack: I havent seen my dorm room in a week. I've been at the IOP so long. Hopefully this weekend I'm going to get some sleep.

Valerie looks surprised. She pulls on Jack's arm

Valerie: Can we go over to this table, I need to talk to you for a minute.

Jack: What is it?

Valerie: It's about this weekend. I thought we were going to my parents place on the Cape.

Jack: I never said that Val, I really need to get some rest this weekend.

Valerie: We could both rest at my parents house

Jack: Besides, Im organizing a pizza and politics at the IOP all day on Saturday, and then Sunday ...

Valerie: But you just said you were going to try and get some sleep this weekend! Whats going on here!

Jack: Nothing's going on.

Valerie: Thats exactly it, Jack, nothings going on. Is there anything more than friendship left between us?

Jack: I think that's obvious.

Valerie: Do you love me

Jack: Valerie, I don't think you should have to ask yourself that question.

Valerie: I'm not asking myself that question, I'm asking you; Jack Canaday.

Jack: If you have to ask that, you already know.

Valerie: But I don't understand; You say you love me, but here we are, we're sitting at opposite sides of the table.

Jack: I like this chair, it's comfortable

Valerie: Fine. Sit in it then.

Valerie gets up to got back to the table, but bumps into Meredith and Laura on their way to the bathroom.

Meredith: Want to go to the bathroom with us Valerie?

Valerie: Well, I don't really have to go...

Laura: So?

They pull her in the direction of the bathroom

Pepe looks over at Jack, who is obviously distraught. Pepe goes to sit with him.

Pepe: Jack are you OK?

Lights go down on side table, back up on Billy and HSF at the main table

Bill (extending his hand to HSF): Hi, Im Billy. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

HSF: Mortimer. Mortimer Pennypacker. I'm Jacks friend, I've just come up from Princeton to see to visit him. We co-captained the Andover crew team last spring.

Billy: I thought Jack went to Exeter.

HSF: That's what I said. I'm Jacks friend from Exeter.

Jack and Pepe come back to table as girls reenter from bathroom.

HSF: Hey, Jack! (punches him on the shoulder)

Jack looks at him as if to say, "Who are you, I've never met you before, and if I have met you before, I don't think we co-captained the Andover crew team last spring. Not that I would ever think that, because I was at the other table when you said that."

Laura sits down with her laptop (not next to Billy)

Billy: Hey, Laura, come sit with me. You can work on my laptop.

Laura: Hold on I have to finish this!

Billy: (Moves over to her) I'll give you something to hold onto.

Laura: Billy, I'm sorry . . . No!

Billy gets frustrated and runs to the bathroom

Laura: Oh, did I hurt his feelings?

Valerie: I think he'll be OK.

Meredith: Men deserve what they get.

Valerie: Bathroom trip!

Jack: Hi, I'm Jack, I'm sorry I didnt catch your name.

HSF: Im Billys friend, Chuck . . Chuck Weed. I've just come down from U of Illinois to see the bastard and he goes to the bathroom on me!

Pepe: I'm sure he didnt mean it as a slight, darling! I think he's a bit overwhelmed with his women.

HSF: I think I'll go see how he's doing then.

exit HSF. Jack moves a little closer to Pepe

Jack: Pepe, theres... something ... I have to ask you.

Pepe: Speak! Jacques, my friend!

Jack: Thats just it . . . friendship. Well, Pepe, lets see, okay: baseball. Lets say I'm in the National League.

Pepe: If you must.

Jack: And you, you would be in the American League. Now what I'm starting to think that, like you, I really like the designated hitter rule. Is it possible, do you think it could be, that I could be in the American League, that I am in the American League, that I have always been in the American League?

Pepe: Darling, I am so lost!

Jack: Okay: football. I'm on one team. You, you're on the other. Your team really likes each other: really really likes each other. They like each man on the team. I was thinking that, is it possible that I could be on your team?

Pepe: Football is for American savages. Civilized people play soccer.

Jack: Okay, soccer. I'm a forward. You're a goalie; you can use your hands. I really want to use my hands to . . . Okay, tennis. Im playing doubles. I want to switch partners. Will you, Pepe, be my partner?

Pepe: Certainly. When are you playing?

Jack bangs his head on the table. Billy Boy returns.

Billy Boy: Is the food here yet?

Hei Yu arrives with the food. The girls are returning from the bathroom:

Meredith: -and thats the only way for you to assert your dominance over the male oppressor.

Valerie: I dont know. I think he's kind of cute.

Girls sit down

Valerie: I dont know where these spring rolls have been, but I'm certainly not touching them.

Laura P. picks up a spring roll.

Laura P.: Ah! My RSI!

She has a hand seizure and crushes the spring roll in her hand, spilling it onto herself. Girls pick her up and lead her to the bathroom.

Valerie: We'll clean this up. That stain'll come right out. Besides, no one will ever notice on THAT shirt.

Meredith: Take control.

The girls return to the bathroom

WELLSELEY GIRL # 1 totters in on her heels from offstage. She has two TWITS with her who giggle and stare; henceforth, THE TWITS.

WELLESLEY GIRL # 1: Excuse me. Um, my friends and I were just wondering how we could get to the Penix?

JACK: What?

The guys all perk up

WC#1: Well my friends and I just came from Wellesley (TWIT 1 picks her mini-skirt out of her ass; TWIT 2 lifts up her breasts and points them at Jack) because we heard there's a party tonight at the Penix. So we were wondering where it is.

Boys look around and smile knowingly; except for PEPE, who snickers

Billy: I got your Penix right here.

WG#1: (Looking confused. Apparently her head hurts) Oh is this the finals club? I didn't know.

???????????? PEPE: And the brutal irony of this situation is that I aspire to be her.

BILLY: Finals club? Oh (Guys have a macho chuckle) You mean the Phhhheonix?

WG#1: (She begins giggling right along, the TWITS, too, as soon as the guys start to laugh) Hee, hee (To TWIT 1) Why you little skank. You told me the "h" was silent. TWIT 1: (Has no idea how that came about)

PEPE: (overhears the exchange between WG#1 and TWIT and interjects a little too loudly) Right. Like in "Phallus." Ma cherie.

EVERYONE stares at PEPE. Awkward pause

JACK: Yeah. Um, at any rate, I don't think theres a party there tonight. Sorry ladies. (Turns to the guys to brag) I know, because I'm pledging the Pheonix.

HSF: Dude. You dont "pledge" a fianls club, you get punched in. And that doesnt happen til sophomore year. Foo(l). Dont arouse my anger. (Pause; grabs a cigarette and lights it; looks around to see how that one went over)

WG #1: (Beotch-ily) Omigod. So is there, or is there not, a party at the Pheonix tonight?

PEPE: All signs point to no, precious. (Takes out a cigarette and gets a light from HSF)

WG #1: (Turns to TWITS) Hmm. Well, I guess well just have to PARTY HERE THEN!!!

Private dance with herself; TWITS simultaneously dance and pick their skirts out of their asses

WG #1 (Turns to the door; NYC cabbie-style whistle): LADIES!

All hell breaks loose as a riotous herd of Wellesleys finest stampede into the Hong Kong; they find laps to writhe on

WG #1: (Screams) STOP!

All girls freeze in place, and then prance into formation as the first notes of their song rise from the piano.

Song 3 I'M LOOKING FOR A HARVARD MAN

Lights go down and the girls appear downstage. They are in the bathroom.

Song 4 EVERYONE WANTS A PIECE OF ME AND I CANT EAT CAKE.

BACK UPSTAIRS AT THE HONG KONG. The girls rejoin the boys at the table. They know something strange has been going on here. The guys look guilty. A Wellesley girl pops up from under the table, onto HSFs lap and shrieks "Its pierced!" before fleeing.

VALERIE: Whats going on here? Who was that?

JACK: Uh

HSF: My sister.

JACK: Well, Val.

VALERIE: No. I'm tired of this.

JACK: (Pause) What?

VALERIE: Jack, if youre not getting it from me

JACK (This is a warning): Val.

VALERIE: I can't deal with this anymore, Jack.

JACK: Val

Valerie moves down stage right.

LAURA (To Billy): I don't understand. What were you all doing?

BILLY (Hushing her): Nothing, Laura.

He goes to the far right of the stage where VALERIE is. Lights down on Center Stage

Billy: If you want, you and I could do something this weekend.

Valerie: Now's not really a good time, Billy.

Billy: But it was a good time for you last weekend.

Valerie: It's over Billy. I dont feel right about this.

Billy: What's there not to feel right about? I don't lie to myself about what we do together.

VALERIE: Yeah, but you lie to Laura.

BILLY: So?

VALERIE: She cares about you.

BILLY (He doesnt have a quick response, until, offhand): I like sex with you, Val.

VALERIE: You know, I sleep with you, Billy - but I dont like you very much. This seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. (Pause) Dont expect to see me in Thayer 414 anymore.

BILLY: Un-hunh.

VALERIE: This entire thing with you was a mistake.

BILLY: Yeah, it'll be pretty upsetting for you when Laura and Jack find out.

Billy goes back to sit at the main table

MEREDITH: Where's Valerie?

BILLY: I dont know, she's sulking about something.

JACK: Maybe I should . . .

MEREDITH: You men know nothing! I'll go talk to her.

Meredith goes to Valerie

MEREDITH: Hey, are you okay?

VALERIE: Yeah, I think I just . . .

HSF comes over to them

HSF: Hello. You? Okay?

Valerie: I'm sorry. I don't think we've met yet.

HSF: My name Muxa-Muxa, I am, how you say, pre-frusch. Eat with Laura for dinner.

Valerie: (In loud tourist voice) Oh my gosh! Laura didn't tell me she was having a foreign exchange student.

Meredith: Where are you from exactly.

HSF: I am from the People's Liberated Democratic Totally Free Republic of Queequeg. I am here by permission of Citizen First Tiger, Chairman Supreme of the Party.

Meredith: Really? Is that a communist or a capitalist country. What was your country's position on poachers?

Valerie: (stage whisper) He doesn't understand big words like that. (Loud voice again) Did I tell you I'm Laura's roommate. Do you understand? We live together.

HSF: I didn't know Laura was, how you say, that way.

Valerie: Oh, no no no, we just sleep together.

HSF: I didn't know Laura was that way.

Meredith: So, where exactly is Queequeg? (skeptically)

HSF: Ah, food, time to chow, yes?

(Enter Wei Long and Hei Yu with much food on trays. Like magic everyone returns to the table.)

Meredith: What is this? Is this . . . PorK?

Wei Long: Two orders pork fried rice, white rice,

Jack: Did we order enough food?

Wei Long:beef teriyaki, Moo shi chicken, no msg,

Valerie: I think I'm going to be sick

Wei Long:vegetable rice noodles, fried bean curd hunan style.

Meredith: Excuse me, what is this please?

(Wei Long looks at the proferred peice of pork, then looks in confusion to Hey Yiu.)

Hey Yui: I beleive its pork.

Meredith: What gives you the right to kill innocent animals and then serve them to us? Swine are elegant lovely creatures who just want to go about their porcine lives in peace and harmony. But no- You had to change all that and kill them. Well fine, if you're going to make your filthy living by preying on the helplessness of other species, then go right ahead, but you are not going to serve me the flesh of such a noble creature. And what's more, red dye number five is a very unhealthy substance and should not be used for human consumption. How could you even dare serve such a thing to us? I ordered my fried rice with tofu, not pork.

MEREDITHS VEGAN SONG

(Meredith Attacks Wei Long with chopsticks, but unable to stake him through the heart Buffy-style, she somehow unties her belt which she then uses as a whip and chases the helpless and subjugated waiters off the stage. The guys look somewhat shocked at what has occured)

Pepe: Perhaps we should try to rescue the waiters. Noblesse oblige, nest pas?

Jack: He's right, let's go.

Pepe: Come darlings

(and the guys, through some misguided sense of chivalry follow in order to attempt to help the waiters.)

Laura: Well . . . .

(The girls stare at each other. Laura picks up one of the dishes with her wrists.)

Laura: would you like some teriyaki?

Valerie: I think I'm going to be sick . . . . (She gets up and exits.)

MEREDITHS VEGAN SONG Part II.

Hey Yiu: Totally organically grown rice with tofu made with only unsaturated fat and soy oil.

(The guys and Meredith sit down. Everyone eats and laughs together. Valerie feeds Laura and then as a joke, Pepe pretends to feed Jack, everyone laughs and thinks that is funny, but Jack keeps trying to make eye contact with Pepe after that is over.)

(Meanwhile Dr. Foo has emerged in the foreground)

Dr. Foo: I beleive that it is time for a little change of pace.

(Wei Long, at the sound of Dr. Foo's voice comes running out to help)

Wei Long: Can I help? What would you like me to do?

Hei Yiu: Damn kids . . .

Dr. Foo: What was that?

Hey Yiu: Nothing

Dr. Foo waits for him to speak)

Hey Yiu: These Harvard kids . . . I don't know.

Dr. Foo: Calm yourself, Mr. Yui. We do business with these (insert that word here)

Hei Yiu: Don't worry. I know how to get rid of them.

Dr. Foo: Very good.

Wei Long: Hei Yiu, Hei Yiu, how are you going to make them go away? Huh?

THE PLOTTING SONG

(At the end of the song. Hei Yiu strikes the gong and Wei Long appears with the fortune cookies on a black plastic tray. Everyone opens theirs. Laura has to crush hers with her elbows. Each character picks up his or her fortune and hold it in front of them.)

ACT II

Lights Come up

Awkward silence as everyone tries to look at everyone else's fortune.

Meredith (to Jack): So, what does yours say?

Jack (evasively): O, you know, the usual "Confucius say" stuff.

Valerie: He's lying! Let me see that. (she reaches across the table to grab his fortune)

Jack lunges out of the way. Meredith slaps his hand with a slight scream. He drops it on the ground and everyone leaps into action. They all disappear under the table there's an apparent struggle and then Jack comes out through the front of the table with the fortune. Everyone stays under the table for a few more seconds while Jack sits down at an empty chair at one of the side tables. There is a woman sitting there who has been looking at her watch, etc. as if she were waiting for someone. He sits down and pulls up a menu to hide his face. Everyone comes out from under the table and looks around for a few seconds. Pepe slides up from underneath and sits in the center looking nervous

Jack (peeking out from behind the menu, and faking a high-pitched voice): Hey, what does Pepe's fortune say?

Everyone looks around for a few seconds as they try to figure out where the voice came from, then they forget about the voice and assault Pepe. They move towards him from the right side of the table. He scooches over slowly. They start moving faster and he starts scooching faster. They all scooch in after him. He scooches out, but by this time they've all scooched in. They all scooch through as quickly as they can. Pepe runs (very stereotypically gay) around the table and schooches back in from the other side. At this point there are still some scoochers on the left side of the table. They start scooching back. Then the people who have already scooched out run around and come in from the right side. Pepe is trapped! He is unsure what to do for a few seconds, but then he does a little snorkel move and goes under the table. The two sides of scoochers collide because they are moving so fast. After some confusion, Laura pipes up:

Laura: Valerie, what does your fortune say?

Valerie: Do you want to see it?

She acts as if she is going to hand it to Laura, but she pulls it back at the last minute and stuffs it in her mouth. She does a flourish with her hands and starts to choke. HSF leaps to her rescue and gives her the Heimlich. She spits out the fortune and it flies out over the table and onto the floor. She pushes the HSF off of her and ducks under the table. She dives out from under it as she grabs for the fortune. Everyone watches in horror as she holds it up and puts it into her mouth. She chews for a few seconds, and swallows. Then she holds her stomach and rushes off to the bathroom.

While all this stuff goes on, Jack has been sitting at this table with a girl waiting for her date. The date shows up and there is an argument (silent, of course). Eventually the girl decides that she'd rather be with Jack anyway and the guy storms off in a huff. Jack goes back to hiding behind his menu.

Billy Boy (to Laura): So what's yoooouuuurs say?

Laura: You first.

Billy Boy: Come on.

Laura: (giggles) Ok.

She starts to hand the paper to Billy Boy, but her hand clamps up and she can't open it.

Laura: Curses! My RSI!

Billy (trying to open her hand): Hey, we can rub duck sauce on it!

(Hey Yui glances over)

Laura: No, my doctor said duck sauce wouldn't work. Try the hot mustard.

Billy: Yo, I've got your hot mustard right here. (produces hot mustard from below the table)

Meredith giggles as she watches the two of them. HSF grabs her fortune while she isn't looking.

HSF (loudly, to Meredith): You're a stripper?!

Jack looks up from his menu. Pepe peeks out from under the table. Valerie runs back from the bathroom, wiping her mouth. Billy and Laura look up.

Everyone (except Hey Yui and Meredith): You're a stripper?!

Meredith: Noooo

(Nho-Him looks over)

HSF: Yeeees.

Hey Yui: Fortune cookies tell no lies, Meredith.

Meredith: Well, it's not exactly stripping, exactly. (begins to cry)

Billy: Hey Meredith, what's your stage name?

Meredith: Shut up Billy.

Billy: Is it Misty? Peaches? Candy Cumberland?

Meredith begins to run off

Meredith (stops): No, it's Lucrecia Mott.

Exeunt Meredith

Everyone appears shocked except for Billy, who rubs the hot mustard into Laura's hand. It works.

Billy: Score!

Laura's hand relaxes. Billy takes the paper and reads it. He smiles to himself as if to say "Awwww Yaaaa" but then his jaw drops.

Billy: I'm sorry, Laura.

Laura: What do you mean?

Billy: About Valerie.

Laura: Why apologize, I think it's kind of cute.

Billy: Cute?!

Laura: Ya, because you guys are such devout Unitarians.

Billy: Laura, Valerie's Jewish.

Laura: But the fortune says you and Valerie know each other in the biblical sense. I know you're Unitarian, so I just thought -

Billy: Ya, that's it. I converted her.

HSF: Back in the day when I was writing the Bible, knowing meant sex.

Pepe (from under the table): That's what I thought too.

Characters look around for the mystery voice. Laura has an epiphany.

Laura: You and Valerie are having sex?! Uh, Uh (she is hyperventilating)

Jack (to Valerie): You had an affair? With Billy?

Valerie: I needed someone Jack, and you're never there for me. You're always at the IOP.

Jack: This is going to ruin my career! I have to call my dad.

He whips out his cell phone as he runs off stage.

Jack: Sir? We have a code red sir. (Pause) This is Jack sir.

Pepe comes out from under the table and runs after him.

Pepe: Jack, are you okay?

Billy (to HSF): You got's more rock?

HSF: Is the Pope's ass waterproof?

Exeunt HSF and Billy

Valerie: I have to go tuck in my shirt.

Exeunt Valerie

LAURA'S SONG ABOUT HATING HER FRIENDS

Hey Yui has been on stage the whole time, and he comes over to comfort her

Hey Yui: Don't cry Laura

Laura: But I hate all my friends.

Hey Yui: That's okay, I hate all your friends too.

LOVE SONG BETWEEN HEY YUI AND LAURA

Everyone comes back

Meredith: Hey, Jack you left your fortune on the table.

She grabs it just before Jack can stop her

Meredith: Oh!

Uncomfortable silence

Jack: Oh, let's just forget all our worries and get another scorpion bowl.

BIG-ASS SONG

Section 5

[ALL seated in the booth, sort of randomly sprawled on top of one another. HSF is lying on the actual table, wasted.]

MEREDITH Jack, I think we should read your fortune now...

JACK I don't think my fortune is any of your businesses.

MEREDITH It's OK, Jack, you have the right to be gay if you want to.

JACK It's OK, Stripper, you have the right to take off your clothes any time you want to.

MEREDITH At least my daddy didn't buy my way in here. And my daddy's daddy didn't buy my daddy's way in here. And my daddy's daddy's daddy didn't (starts counting off fingers)--

LAURA [remembers her computer science] Hey, that's a recursive--

JACK -- strip tease?

MEREDITH [smirks] Well I have a little something for you. [takes off her sweater]

LAURA --function. I can program that in C and Perl.

JACK [to MEREDITH] Oh no, not tonight, darling.

LAURA Oh god, I have to start my CS50 problem set! [whips out her laptop computer, from under the computer]

MEREDITH [pulls out fortune cookie strip from her bra] It's not what you think, Jack.

BILLY [to LAURA] But honey, your RSI.

LAURA Shut up, fool.

MEREDITH [reading]

[everyone looks incomprehending]

MEREDITH Don't you get it? [looks around] I mean, it doesn't take a genius to realize that-

JACK No wait-

MEREDITH [evil look crosses her face] Our bucking boy Jack the Jock here, Sport-o, Captain Machismo himself, is, in fact--

JACK No, wait.

MEREDITH [makes references to homosexuality]

[no one gets it] [she's really drunk and keeps on rambling, Jack turns her around and pushes her so she faces the wall]

JACK [timidly] I think what she's trying to say...well, I've been wanting to tell you all for a while... I'm... [nobody's listening. everyone's drunk.]

MEREDITH (turns around, making wild gestures towards the table) ..He's GAY!!!

PEPE [puts his hands on his hips] I most certainly am NOT! [with a huff and a diva-ish toss of the head]

EVERYONE [looks at Pepe at the same time, forms a little circle around him] You're not? I always thought-- But what about the time you dressed up like the Chiquita Banana girl and danced around Annenberg?- And what about your raunchy adventures in Soho?

PEPE [crosses his legs, and gets all storytellerish and chatty - ad libitum]

MEREDITH [to PEPE] I'm not talking about you, tinkerbell. I'm...talking about HIM! [points to Jack]

PEPE [to MEREDITH] Oh, posh!

MEREDITH Are any of you even listening?!?! [falls face-first into her scorpion bowl]

JACK [doesn't understand why nobody notices] Yeah, I'M GAY!

EVERYONE Shh! Be quiet, Jack! Pepe's trying to tell us something!

WEI LONG [happens to be walking by, claps his hands] Who's gay?

JACK I, Jack Morris Canaday the IV of the Massachussetts Canadays, am gay. Does anyone care?

WEI LONG I sure do, big boy.

JACK (to his friends) But do you understand what I'm saying? Now how am I supposed to explain this to my dad! What if he doesn't fund my race for governor! My stock will plummet!

WEI LONG [suggestive] *My* stock's rising, baby.

JACK Uh, I think I'm going to sell short.

WEI LONG That's all right. I'm Wei Long.

JACK [stays serious] Jack Canaday. Here's my card [gives WEI LONG his business card]. How do you do?

WEI LONG [sits on Jack's lap] *I* can do anyone. [gives him a big smooch]

VALERIE [turns away from Pepe and his crowd and notices that a man is sitting on Jack's lap] Hey, what's all this?!

WEI LONG Jack's gay. I'm Wei Long.

VALERIE You're WHAT???

JACK [responding] Gay.

WEI LONG [responding as well] Wei Long.

VALERIE Jack, is this your idea of a joke?

WEI LONG No, really, that's my name.

VALERIE [ignores Wei Long, speaks to JACK] Are you just saying this to get back at me for Billy?

HSF There's snowfall over Palermo.

VALERIE [to JACK] And all this time, I thought it was because I was fat.

JACK You're not fat.

VALERIE [surprised and happy] I'm not?

JACK You're not fat.

PEPE [referring to himself in the royal second person] We think you're divine, Val.

WEI LONG I'm Wei Long.

LAURA [to WEI LONG, looking up from her keyboard] We know.

VALERIE [to a waiter] Menu, please [snaps her fingers, ties a napkin around her neck, and gets ready to eat].

HSF [weird HSF line]

[LAURA is concentratedly programming in C.] [VALERIE is eating ravenously] [MEREDITH is still babbling into her scorpion bowl] [HSF is meditating in lotus flower position, to 'Ommm']

PEPE Canaday darling, you don't know what you're losing with Val.

BILLY Pepe, since when did you start liking women?

PEPE Since my voice went from up here [falsetto] to down here [exaggerated bass]

JACK Oh.

PEPE [clasps his hands together and says rather melodramatically] Ever since I laid eyes on her [details to be filled in].

JACK What?

PEPE [to JACK] Elle est tres 'shagadelic.'

JACK I can't speak French.

PEPE I said, 'I would like to make ficky-fick with madamoiselle all night long'

JACK But didn't you live in a bohemian French nudist colony where nobody was straight?

PEPE Oh, that's so faux. That was all a rather convincing facade, though, no? Here, read this [tosses JACK and BILLY his fortune, they share it between it]

BILLY [reading] 'Your real name isn't Pepe, it's Peter, you poser! You've lived in a hick town of Wisconsin your entire life, where your father was a dairy farmer and your mother was a Canadian prostitute...

JACK [continuing to read] 'You've never been to France, and learned your French through Hooked on Phonics!!

PEPE Tut! It's a worthwhile program!

LAURA [breaking away from her programming] Ahhh! [screams] Meredith's drowning in her scorpion bowl! [Lifts Meredith's head out of the bowl, by her hair, her face is all wet]

HSF [jumps out of his lotus flower position, assumes a hero pose - napkin thing] I'll save her!

MEREDITH Bleah. [head crashes back on table, as Laura lets go of her wet hair]

HSF Are you all right? Quick, lay her on the floor. I think this calls for some CPR. I was a life-guard in ancient Mesopotamia for ten years, between the Tigris and Euphrates.

[EVERYONE spreads MEREDITH on the floor, except for Valerie, who's still eating. They all look worried even though they always thought she was a bee-atch]

[HSF does some ridiculous, comical version of cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Mainly punching her, pinching her cheeks, doing several eskimo kisses]

[After some choking, MEREDITH awakens]

JACK God, girl, you had us worried.

MEREDITH I'll bet you all wish I died. [coughing]

JACK No, actually, because then who'd be left to bitch at me?

LAURA Who would deflate all those male egos?

BILLY Who would put pups in the tents of all those happy laps?

MEREDITH [sits up and looks around] So who saved me?

JACK [pointing to HSF] Pablo.

[HSF is standing nonchalantly against a wall, rubbing his fingernails against his coat collar, like Mr. Cool]

BILLY [pointing to HSF] No, Christoph.

LAURA [pointing to HSF] No, Bobby.

VALERIE [to herself, eating at table] Damn, this schezuan chicken is so-o-o good!

MEREDITH [realizes that HSF was her savior] Oh, Muxa Muxa. It was you this whole time!

ALL (except MEREDITH) Who the hell is Muxa Muxa?

HSF Duet

HSF Call me what you will. I've always wanted my own Radcliffe girl.

MEREDITH I've always wanted my own pit kid! It's so anti-bourgeoise!

[HSF and MEREDITH embrace passionately, tearing off each others clothes and making out as they stumble off-stage]

MEREDITH [off-stage] I'm getting tangled up in your tongue ring.

HSF [off-stage] Oh, sorry.

[ALL stare at the two, then sit back in the booth. BILLY sits next to LAURA, who's back at her laptop. He plays with her mouse, she hits him. PEPE and VALERIE sit together.]

PEPE [scoots into the booth, sits next to Valerie] So Valerie, how's is your coq au vin?

VALERIE [with her mouth full, cheeks bulging] It's not coq au vin. It's schezchuan chicken. [pronounces schezuan the authentic way; obviously, she's taking Chinese]

PEPE Coq au vin.

VALERIE Schezchan chicken.

PEPE Coq au vin.

VALERIE Chicken, chicken, chicken [about to throw a New york girl tantrum]

PEPE No, I must contest. Your mouth is full of coq. [pauses] Au vin.

VALERIE [Mouth full of food mumble]

PEPE Why, you gorgeous thin beauty.

VALERIE I'm thin? Really?

PEPE Absolutement.

VALERIE You know, I've always admired your taste in fashion and your Parisian knowhow. I always thought you were above the rest of the Eurotrash.

PEPE [embarassed & melodramatic] Valerie, I have to tell you something. [holds her hand with two of his] I'm not French. I'm not gay. And I've been wasting away in desire for your tender affections. Can you still love me, not as Pepe the Frenchman, but as Peter the dairy farmboy from Wisconsin?

VALERIE [puts both hands on her hips and frowns] Well, this certainly is a shock. First you profess undying love and then you tell me that you're a completely different person than who I think you are. This brings up serious trust and compatibility issues; we should be rational and mature about this. Well [considering]...[suddenly]you think I'm thin?

PEPE [super american twang] Yeah.

VALERIE And you promise to always dress this well?

PEPE Yes. Always.

VALERIE What are you thinking? Of course I can love you, then!

[INSTRUMENTAL: A TANGO that's half-Latin, half-90s pop. PEPE and VALERIE begin to tango, very stylish in that haute manner, of course. PEPE extracts a rose from one of the waiters buttonholes and puts it between his teeth. VALERIE leads, and dips him. They tango off-stage.]

[Quiet, as LAURA focuses even more intensely on her program and BILLY pretends to be interested. He gradually scooches closer and closer over, extending his arm further over, and then climbs two fingers around her shoulder.]

BILLY I guess it's just you and me, babe.

[LAURA is concentrating, ignoring BILLY. Suddenly, LAURA jumps up in orgasmic levels of excitement, screaming.] Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Ohhhh, yes!!!!!

BILLY [surprised, thinks he's the man] I didn't realize that you wanted me that badly...I mean, it *has* been a while, since you've gotten RSI, but...

LAURA Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! [runs around in a circle, jumps up and down, starts barking]

BILLY I mean, I knew you were multi-orgasmic, but I had no idea...

LAURA MY PROGRAM COMPILES!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!I AM THE GODDESS OF DEBUGGING!!!! [does a somersault, does the Nixon victory salute, does an Elaine-on-seinfeld dance, is in all ways euphorically happy] [then, stops and notices that Billy is sitting there.]

LAURA [brushes a piece of hair behind her ear, regains perfect calm boring Laura composure] Oh, what were you saying, Billy?

BILLY [a sincere apology] I want us to get back together, Laura. Now that I finished my Crimson comp, I have more time to devote to us. I don't feel like being the person that I was. I'm sorry.

LAURA Let's get two things straight. One, I'm not a nerd - I'm the GODDESS OF PROGRAMMING. And two, I have a new boyfriend.

BILLY What?

LAURA Hey Yui!

HEY YUI comes running.

BILLY What's going on?

LAURA [as HEY YUI comes in] Enter Hey Yui. Exit Billy.

BILLY

Wait, but he's a waiter.

LAURA Yes, and you're a liar.

HEY YUI And I'm no longer a waiter here.

DR. FOO [emerges from the shadows, scary and stern] I would not say such things if I were you.

HEY YUI I quit.

DR. FOO Hey you, watch which bridges you burn.

HEY YUI I've tried to be a successful dropout. I tried to be like Bill Gates, like Matty, like Bonnie Raitt, but you know, there comes a time in a man's life where he's fed up with following the footsteps of idols. This joint's not for me. Laura has shown me the light. [wraps his arm around her] I'm re-enrolling in Harvard Business School. [fanfare from Dropout Song] Goldman-Sachs here I come.

DR. FOO If you set foot outside this establishment, I envy not your fate.

HEY YUI It's not that dramatic, little man. [takes off his apron, tosses it on Dr. Foo's bald pate.]

DR. FOO Get out!! Both of you. And may all your children drop out of Harvard!

HEY YUI and LAURA, exiting HEY YUI [in a heroic manner] Come'on babe, let's go read your Calculus book. I need to brush up on my Lagrange multipliers.

LAURA Oh, that's so sexy and romantic.

HEY YUI Why don't we go integrate our surfaces?

LAURA [kinda jealous] Wait, there's just one thing I don't understand. If you wrote the fortunes, how did you know Meredith was a stripper?

HEY YUI That's the one fortune I didn't write.

DR. FOO [adjusts his bowtie] Yes, well...we all have our little vices. [laughs softly to himself in his all-knowing fashion]

HEY YUI and LAURA laughs

BILLY [calling after them] But what about me?!! I know more about your topology than he does.

DR. FOO You. Bill.

BILLY Yes, that's my name. But, my friends call me Billy.

DR. FOO No, You pay the bill.

BILLY What??? But I'm broke. [looks for a means of escape]. It wasn't me! It was them. I mean, you saw that girl, Valerie. She ate 90% of this stuff!

DR. FOO He who has no money, goes into the kitchen right now to wash dishes.

BILLY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [this is the downfall of our tragic hero, he beats his hands against his head]

DR. FOO [throws Billy the apron that was previously sitting atop his head.] You and me kid. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship.

[Close curtain, outrageous applause from the audience] SONG: JUST A TYPICAL NIGHT AT THE KONG]

FIN