I, Spy
Scene 1.1 Harvard Yard
(Speaking: Interviewer, Vicky, Steve, Upperclassman, Pudding Member,
John, Followers. Chorus Sings & Dances.)
ACT
I
SCENE 1:
MINSTREL’S PROLOGUE
(Curtain is
closed. MINSTREL steps onto stage
in front of curtain, addresses audience with the Prologue.)
MINSTREL’S
PROLOGUE
(MINSTREL)
Here's a story where you're about to see
two worlds collide
The trouble is that love and war don't
mix when you're a spy
Life is never easy when you know you've
been betrayed
But now I'm gonna show you what you
might go through one day
Here's a story that never will get old,
I've told it many times before
And if you ever thought that love was
dumb, just wait, you'll think so
Even more
When worlds who have different views are
both at odds
and both refuse to compromise,
Things get out of hand...
But anyway...
spoken:
You have two cities.
Cognesia: Everything is practical, sensible. Frivolity was sin, and caprice was
borderline criminal. If it couldn't be proved through careful argumentation, it
had no place inside the city walls. Basically, it was no fun at all.
Delphinia, that's a different story altogether. They look at the
stars, or tarot cards, or palms, or anything so long as it wasn't a mental
facility. Tall ladders were outlawed,
cracks in the roads were city emergencies, and a lunar eclipse meant a week
without leaving the house. Shamrock jewelry was all the rage...
sings:
I hope you are sitting next to someone
that you trust.
Cause things are going to get heated so
security’s a must
I hope that you enjoy yourselves,
I've seen it all before.
We go now to Delphinia, to see how they
wage war…
( MINSTREL
turns and curtain opens.)
MINSTREL: (Finishes the final verse of Prologue.
Clapping and pleasant laughter from ALL. KING KARLIM is on a raised platform.)
KARLIM: What
a show! Ahhahha.
MINSTREL: Thank
you, sire. My words of song are my gift to you. (Gracefully bows. Everyone
renews clapping. MINSTREL bows in three directions and then discreetly slip
slides backwards into the crowd and disappears to another side of the stage.)
KARLIM: You’re
hired! Call for the tap-dancing horn blower. Tell him his services will no
longer be needed.
(An AIDE
points into the crowd and gestures to the tap-dancing horn tooter. Buffoonish character steps out of the
crowd and does a 3-step jig and toots his horn twice. The AIDE moves his headed disapprovingly with pity and the
buffoon staggers off dejected.)
RANDOM VOICE: Say it ain’t so Mr. Toot-toot!
KARLIM: What
a splendid day. A day for celebration, a day for rejoicing, a day for Delphinia
to open her doors with warmth and hospitality. For it won’t be long before the
ambassador arrives.
AMBASSADOR’S
COMIN’ SOON
(KARLIM
AND COURT)
ALL:
It's a beautiful day here in the court,
Let's uncork the wine and break open the
port,
For it's not every day that we have such
a guest:
An ambassador's coming to us from the
West.
He'll be coming real soon, without any
delay;
Let's all throw salt to ward demons
away.
Do one final check of the stars and the
moon,
The ambassador’s comin’ soon!
We have to prepare, the court must be
clean;
Not one spec of dust, dirt, or grime
must be seen.
Scrub the pots, sweep the floor, and
wash all the rugs,
And make sure that the food doesn't have
any bugs.
Bake the bread, crack the eggs, refill
all the casks,
Call upon fairies to help out with the
tasks.
Roll out the red carpet and clean up the
walls
The ambassador’s comin’ soon!
KARLIM: Today’s
a busy day; there’s much for me to do.
GROUP 1: Your Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your Majesty!
KARLIM: My
subjects have been waiting. Which one am I to choose?
GROUP 1: Your Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your
Majesty!
KARLIM: How
about you, there. Stand up and speak up.
PEASANT #1: Of all the corn I’ve sewn this year, I’ve failed to reap a single
ear. My cabbage patch has run a-dry without a single reason why. Can’t even
grow an artichoke; a few more days and I’ll be broke. Please dear sir I need to
know how I can make my garden grow.
KARLIM: It
seems to me my scurvied man that spirits are upon your land. Thus, your crops
are not too well, but I have got a plan.
STUDLEY: (players stop dead as if they’ve
all lost their line. STUDLEY finally breaks in with disinterest and mock
enthusiasm as if obligated to get the dialogue back on track.) Do tell.
KARLIM: There’s
poison in your garden soil, against these spirits you must toil. To get the
demons off your ground just spread a little salt around.
PEASANT #1: That’s it, the salt, of course, you’re right. I’ll salt my field
this very night.
KARLIM: It’s
good to see a problem solved. Where else am I to get involved?
AIDE #1: Your Highness.
KARLIM: What
is it?
AIDE #1: Please sire, won’t
you have a look at these plans? (opening up blueprints)
KARLIM: For
what?
AIDE #1: For the new road,
sire.
KARLIM: Yes.
Roads. Yes, yes. (a little uninterested)
AIDE #1: Well you see,
construction is already underway. The river road will intersect the byway at
this point here right below the south bridge where it winds past…
KARLIM: Wine!
Who ordered the wine! Oh we mustn’t forget that.
KARLIM:
It’s such a busy day; there’s much for
me to do.
I've tended to my servants and helped
them ease their blues.
Now it's time to get excited about the
day's events;
To contain my joyous laughter just
wouldn't make much sense.
The spirits all are with us, we've
ensured a lucky fest;
I hope that all this trouble is worthy
of our guest.
Final preparations now, we don't want to
be late,
The ambassador’s comin’ soon!
KARLIM: Today’s a busy day; there’s so
much for me to do!
GROUP 1: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your Majesty!
KARLIM: My
subjects have been waiting. Which one am I to choose?
GROUP 1: Your Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your Majesty!
KARLIM: How
about you, there. Stand up and speak up.
PEASANT #2: My husband’s eyes have turned to night. They
won’t allow a single sight. While working at the forge one day, a piece of
metal went astray. Now everything has gone to black; he’d love to get his
vision back. Gracious lord, there’s got to be a way for him to finally see.
KARLIM: It’s
clear to me my sightless sheep, your eyes have simply gone to sleep. Lament no
more your blinded state, for vision is within your fate. Some penetrating
golden rays will surely end your darkened days. Stare directly at the sun and
soon your problems will be none.
BLIND MAN: The sun will wake my eyes at last! With
convex lenses, ‘twill be twice as fast! (holds two magnifying glasses up to
his eyes)
KARLIM: It’s
good to see a problem solved. Where else am I to get involved?
AIDE #2: Your Highness.
KARLIM: What
is it? (a little more irritated this time)
AIDE #2: The latest
agriculture review is in. Sorghum yields are up for the third consecutive
quarter.
KARLIM: Good,
good. Sorghum. Good to hear.
AIDE #2: Now I don’t know if
you’ve considered the defense implications of our crop reserve, but I have
noticed that barley production is slackening in efficiency. And barley, being
the grain of freedom, is sure to make—
KARLIM: (completely
distracted) Did
somebody say cake?
AIDE #2: No, I said…
KARLIM: Who
baked the cakes? The cakes! The cakes!
CAKE CHEF: (leans out from off stage) Working on it!
ALL:
Put up the banners and remove all the
hay,
Polish all the silver, get the sheep out
of our way.
Gather up the trumpeters and fetch the
Royal Crier;
If we wait much longer, the situation
will be dire.
Where's the entertainment? The celebration can't be dull.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, we can't afford a
lull.
C'mon, let's keep it going, we have to
finish chores;
The ambassador’s comin’ soon!
KARLIM: Such
a busy day; there’s much for me to do.
GROUP 1: Your Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your Majesty!
KARLIM: My
subjects have been waiting. Which one am I to choose?
GROUP 1: Your Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your Majesty!
KARLIM: How
about you, there. Stand up and speak up.
PEASANT #3: Dear
King, I’ve had a sad ordeal, my sturdy wagon lost a wheel. My stupid horse
tripped on a rock; it gave the beast a frightening shock. The wagon took a
sudden pitch and landed in a muddy ditch. On impact my left wheel was smashed;
if you can’t help don’t be abashed.
KARLIM: Well…
MANSART: Your highness, allow me. (steps to the
front) Listen here my
unwashed friend and I will find your problem’s end. The planets have aligned
themselves in ways that waken tiny elves. In wood the elves sleep all year
long, they keep the fibers nice and strong. But when the stars make their
decree, the tiny elves wake up and flee. When all the little elves come back,
your wheel will be right back on track.
(Dead silence, tumbleweed maybe rolls
across stage)
KARLIM: Celestial
alignment? Tiny elves? What? He’s only got a broken wheel. We’ve got plenty of
them! Give him a new one.
(An AIDE hands the PEASANT a wheel)
PEASANT #3: Oh thank you, my lord!
KARLIM: Such
a busy day, there’s much for me to do!
(Repeat KARLIM’s jolly “what a
splendid day, there’s so much to do song.”)
GIRL: (She
is like a teenybopper or a screaming Beetles fan from the Ed Sullivan show. She
comes running in with her arms flailing.) The Ambassador’s almost here! (Shrieks and runs off.)
(The chorus picks up again with the song except now
with increased tempo and frenzy.)
ALL:
Lower down the drawbridge, raise up the
royal flag;
Close up the castle courtyard, destroy
the fest'ring rags.
Have the cakes been baked? Have the linens been displayed?
Is the welcome ready? If it's not, we'll be dismayed.
It's time for us to settle, we have to
catch our breath;
Everyone get ready, we've done our very
best.
Places, everybody, we need to get
ourselves in gear,
The ambassador’s comin’ here!
(Horns
are heard off stage. Players stop and get into places. The horn players enter
the auditorium leading a magnificent procession of attendants and with flags
and banners and gift boxes. Towards the end of the procession is the ambassador
(preferably being carried on a sedan chair. The procession comes to a stop with
the ambassador before KARLIM’s platform.
The horns blow a final fanfare.)
HERALD: (heavy
speech impediment—to be customized by the actor) Here ye! Here ye! By the Grace of the
spirits, King Karlim, Lord of all Delphinia, Sovereign of this Realm and of His
other mystical Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of
fairy dust, welcomes with gracious and convivial cheer the most Honorable
Jefferson, Ambassador from…
(there is an awkward pause)
JEFFERSON: (clears throat) England!
HERALD: Oooh!
England! (resumes)
…Ambassador from England to the Court of Delphinia. That all the privileges of
our good citizens shall be conferred upon you, our most honored guest, so you
should find us a people robust in generosity and matchless in hospitality, thus
it has been decreed here, today, by the grace of the King.
(HERALD curtsies)
KARLIM: Ambassador
Jefferson, welcome to Delphinia!
JEFFERSON: Your Majesty, it is my humble honor to be taken into
your court with such kindness. Stories of your great culture have traveled far,
farther than my country, for sure. There are many who would tear their eyes out
if first they had a chance to see the splendor of your palace. And there are
those who would seal their ears if first they had a chance to hear you wisely
interpret the stars.
KARLIM: I
am pleased and flattered to be regarded so highly in foreign lands.
JEFFERSON: I am so grateful for the chance to live and work in your
ancient kingdom. It’s a true gift, a long awaited present that, once received I
fear to unwrap for the joy of anticipation has been overwhelming. But dreams
cannot last forever in your imagination. They must be brought to life. Today my
dream becomes reality. And now that I’m here, let me give you a gift, a gift of
peace.
(JEFFERSON
holds up his hands and [doves fly out of his palms]. EVERYONE is wowed. They
all oooh and ahh.)
KARLIM: You
are truly a special individual. I can see why you were sent here. You have
discipline and an understanding of things beyond this world.
JEFFERSON: If only I had a fraction of your wisdom, your Highness.
KARLIM: With
time, I’m sure you will find yourself with more awareness and greater knowledge
than you ever knew existed. I hope you enjoy every minute of your stay here
with us. (introducing his wife) My wife, Queen
Studley.
JEFFERSON: Your Majesty.
STUDLEY: Your letter of introduction gives high
praise to your diplomatic skill. I should like to see how you (suggestively) perform.
KARLIM: And
my daughter, the fairest of them all, Celeste. (CELESTE holds her outstretched hand and bows. JEFFERSON
does not kiss the hand.) A sumptuous room has been prepared for
you. If there’s anything you need, there will always be attendants on hand to
make your stay as comfortable as possible. So rest up, for tonight we shall all
meet again at a grand banquet to honor our new guest, the Ambassador from
England.
ALL:
Celebrate, cheer, rejoice and be glad;
There's fun to be done, good times to be
had.
Pour out the mead, bring out the beer,
Our ambassador from Jolly ol' England is
here.
The wait has been long, your journey was
far,
You're stay will be grand, it's foretold
in the stars.
The man, the myth, the legend, the star,
and our guest.
Jefferson, here's hoping you'll find us
We really hope you’ll find us
We hope you’ll find us the best!
SCENE
3: FIRST MESSENGER SCENE
(The stage is bare except for one obstruction; a statue would
work well. JEFFERSON enters from
SR . He alternates looking around and checking his timepiece.)
JEFFERSON: (shouting out) Okay,
hello? Hello? Where are…? (checking, to himself) Is this
the right place? (sees statue) Yes. (out loud again) All
right, I’m here. Come on, where are you? (to himself) Dammit,
I should’ve known he wouldn’t be here on time.
VOICE: (a
deep, rough, somewhat authoritative voice like that of a sophisticated bully) Citizen?
JEFFERSON: (jumps) Whoa! Who’s
there?
VOICE: It’s me, Citizen. I’m
waiting for your report.
JEFFERSON: Huh? Is that you Echinore?
ECHINORE: Sssh!
Not so loud! I’m not really here, remember?
JEFFERSON: Of course. Right, right. I’m
sorry.
ECHINORE: You should have been
briefed on the penalty—
JEFFERSON: The penalty for espionage
against Delphinia. I know, I know. Prison for life. Hard labor.
ECHINORE: And don’t forget the weekly
mirror crackings.
JEFFERSON: Of course, how could I
forget?
ECHINORE: Exactly. How could you
forget? Now, this needs to be quick. If I stay too long here I might get
discovered. Your report?
JEFFERSON: Yes. I arrived this morning
and was received with enthusiasm. Karlim and his court bought the ruse and
believe I’m an ambassador from England.
ECHINORE: Good, good.
JEFFERSON: My room is well situated within
the palace, and I’ve begun to figure out the layout of all its rooms. I should
have a complete map prepared by tomorrow.
ECHINORE: And they suspect nothing?
JEFFERSON: They trust me completely.
ECHINORE: Wonderful. Good work,
Citizen. I think his Highness will be pleased. Do you know where the battle
plans are stored yet?
JEFFERSON: Not yet. I’m going to need
some time.
ECHINORE: Fine, fine. You still have
it. In the meantime, it would be wise to gain the confidence of someone close
to King Karlim. Someone with access to the information you need who will trust
you enough to want to give it to you. Someone like…
JEFFERSON: (thinking) Maybe
the King’s advisor, that Mansart fellow?
ECHINORE: No. Stay away from him. He has his
own agenda and won’t help you if it’s not going to benefit himself. The Queen,
perhaps?
JEFFERSON: (rolls eyes) Have you
seen the Queen?
ECHINORE: You’re right. Well,
I’m sure you will find somebody. Make this your next
priority.
JEFFERSON: Of course. In fact, I’m on
my way to supper with the court right now.
ECHINORE: Very good. Just be careful,
Citizen. Win them over but don’t make such a show of yourself that you raise
anyone’s suspicions.
JEFFERSON: Not to worry, Echinore. Now
I’m going to be late. Is there anything else? Is there anything else? Echinore? Echinore, where did you…? (looks behind statue
for first time, walks all the way around it. ECHINORE has disappeared) Well…all right then.
Never did know how to make an exit. (turns, takes breath, straightens
clothing, prepares himself for dinner) Dinnertime. (Exits)
(Evening
after the first court scene. There is a fairly large table at which most of the
royalty of the court sit. A few SERVANTS are walking around, bringing wine
glasses and meals. Most prominent are at the head of the royal table: KARLIM in
the center, MANSART on his right, and STUDLEY and CELESTE on his left. There is
an empty seat between MANSART and the lord or lady to his right. The court is
making pleasant discourse, and JEFFERSON walks in casually and goes to take the
empty seat next to MANSART. KARLIM interrupts him before he can sit down.)
KARLIM: No,
no, my boy! You’re our guest! Don’t sit all the way down there!
JEFFERSON: But, my lord…
KARLIM: (cutting
him off) Come, sit next
to me. Mansart won’t mind moving over for a few days.
MANSART: But,
sire, is it not customary for the seat to the right of Karlim to be reserved
for one of his Highness’ most trusted advisors? His “right hand man,” if you
will?
KARLIM: (laughing
heartily) Your concern
is well noted, Mansy, but (leaning in) he looks like a trustworthy fellow, don’t you think?
MANSART: (Pausing for a minute, trying to find an
appropriate response)
He looks as trustworthy as I am, my liege. (He moves over, and JEFFERSON sits down in his
place.)
STUDLEY: (noticing
that she’s drunk all the wine in her glass) Jervis!
Could you possibly be a dear and bring me some more wine. And don’t water it down this time!
CELESTE: Mother! We must say grace before we begin the meal.
KARLIM: Yes,
yes!! We must thank the fates for
their good graces and luck!
(Everyone
becomes very solemn. KARLIM
raises his hands in the air. The
rest of the court follows suit.
For the rest of the “grace,” JEFFERSON follows a few seconds behind
everyone else.)
KARLIM: Let
us thank the stars for rising every night, offering guidance and shedding light
on our lives. Let us thank the fates for the generous crop yield this year. Let
us thank the moon for her grace. And now if there be no objections, I shall
ceremoniously howl. (Court lowers their heads. He howls like a wolf)
(They eat for a few moments.)
MANSART: So,
Jefferson, you say that you’re from England, but I confess that I’ve never
really heard of this place.
What sort of a place is it? Are you a moon-fearing nation?
JEFFERSON: Well, you know how things are in this day and age, with the
liberals and conservatives at odds and whatnot. I hardly notice what’s chic and what’s going out of style,
what’s proper and what has fallen out of favor. I suppose I’ll have to make more of an effort to learn the
customs of this fair city, though. (to KARLIM) Could you show me again how to hold
your fork?
STUDLEY: Jervis, my cup runneth dry again…could you
possibly bring some more wine? Perhaps in a pitcher?
KARLIM: Yes,
yes! More wine for all, it’s a special occasion, with the coming of our new
ambassador from England! Let us partake in outrageous revelry!
MANSART: What an excellent idea, your majesty! (to
JEFFERSON) But
seriously now, do the English throw salt over their left shoulder or their
right?
JEFFERSON: Well, actually, I’m almost ashamed to admit this, but we
English folk aren’t nearly as pious as your people are. We don’t throw much salt at all.
But one of the reasons that I’m here is to…learn about your precise methods for
warding off evil energy and preserving prosperity.
CELESTE: (innocently) If people don’t follow our sorts of
traditions, then what do
they believe in?
(By
now JERVIS is serving wine to the entire court. He sticks around, refilling
glasses when they frequently become empty.)
JEFFERSON: We’re a…rather serious sort of people. We have a God who
treats us benevolently. A good King. Lots of tea to drink and (noticing
KARLIM downing a whole wine glass at once) not nearly as much wine.
STUDLEY: Is everyone there as dashing and handsome as
you are?
JEFFERSON: Not nearly so. I mean,
it would be an obvious misstatement to call anyone dashing and handsome while
he was sitting next to your husband. I just do not compare.
KARLIM: (chuckling
with modestly) Surely
you exaggerate!
JEFFERSON: Hardly sire. As we say in England, thou art as wise as thou
art beautiful.
KARLIM: (putting
his arm around the JEFFERSON) And he’s a poet too! Ah, my boy, I’m going to like having
someone as clever and witty as you around here! Don’t you think, Mansy?
MANSART: Certainly your Highness!
STUDLEY: Jervis, you manly man, I’m out of wine
again!
(JERVIS
comes up next to STUDLEY, picks up her glass to refill it. She pinches him, the
same way one would pinch a French maid. Startled, he yelps and drops the
glass.)
CELESTE: Jervis, you broke the glass! That’s
bad luck!
EVERYONE: Bad luck!?!
(They
spit on their hands, shake salt on them, throw the salt behind them, stand up,
turn around three times, sit down, and knock on the wooden table seven times.
JEFFERSON follows suit, and is very much behind.)
JERVIS: I’ll
get you a new glass, madam.
KARLIM: Jefferson,
my boy, you haven’t drunk a drop!
JEFFERSON: We English are a bit more temperate, I suppose.
MANSART: (privately to JEFFERSON) But it’s bad luck not to drink on
special occasions, and tradition to drink more than the royal family. The King
might be offended if you didn’t.
JEFFERSON: Right…(he goes to take a sip, all eyes on him, swallows,
gags a bit). Sorry. We
don’t drink all that much in England.
KARLIM: Well
then (as JERVIS refills JEFFERSON’s glass). Drink up, my boy, there’s nothing better
on such a happy night than to be full of wine and ale!
(JERVIS goes to refill MANSART’s glass.)
MANSART: No thank you Jervis, I don’t want to get too
giddy. I’ll just finish this one glass.
JEFFERSON: (Taking another sip, coughing again). A bit dry, isn’t it? (He goes to
drink again, stops) Oh
my goodness! Is that a black cat running through the halls?
ALL: A
black cat!
KARLIM: That’s
bad luck!
ALL: Bad
luck!?!
(They
begin the salt/spitting ritual and JEFFERSON follows in perfect time. He
doesn’t stand up when they get up spin around. Rather, he pours all his wine
into MANSART’s near-empty glass. He rejoins the group when they sit and knock
on the table.)
JEFFERSON: (“drinking the last drop”) Ahh, that was excellent.
KARLIM: Jervis,
pour this boy another glass! And pour me another glass.
(MANSART
drinks most of his newly-filled glass. As JERVIS walks over to JEFFERSON,
STUDLEY pinches him again.)
JERVIS: Madam!
(STUDLEY laughs wildly. KARLIM joins
in for no apparent reason.)
KARLIM: Those
damned Cognesians don’t know how to have fun like this!
A LORD: Damned
Cognesians!
ALL: Damned
Cognesians!
KARLIM: When
we attack those bloody bastards with our latest plan of attack, they’ll never
know what hit them! (They all raise their glasses in intoxicated cheer.)
MANSART: My lord, it is bad luck to talk about war at a
celebratory dinner!
ALL: Bad
luck!?!
(The
court performs the luck ritual. Once again, JEFFERSON takes the opportunity to
pour his new glass of wine into MANSART’s near-empty glass.)
CELESTE: I don’t know if it’s so right to speak
of the Cognesians like that. I mean, I’ve never met a Cognesian. How would we
know if they have fun or not?
MANSART: (Sarcastically) Perhaps our dear ambassador could shed
some light on the subject. Have you ever met a real Cognesian in your extensive
travels?
JEFFERSON: Well, actually, England has never had the best relations with
the Cognesians either. Much too logical for our tastes.
KARLIM: Cheers
to that!!!
JEFFERSON: In fact, several years back we had a bit of a spat with them.
Just a minor skirmish, mind you, but we English handily won.
MANSART: I find that a little difficult to believe, good
sir. It has taken extensive stargazing and tarot reading to ready our forces
successfully against them, and even then the war between us has been in
deadlock for ages. How could your legions have defeated them so easily?
JEFFERSON: Well,
it’s actually a very interesting story.
UNAWARE
(JEFFERSON AND ENSEMBLE)
Jefferson:
When I was young and slightly bolder, I fought on the front line
I dodged the arrows thrown at me, my rear I guarded carefully
But soon it grew clear to me, I’s not the fighting kind
Chorus:
He’s not the fighting kind
Jefferson:
The king suggested that I rest, and put my thoughts together
He said that I was not to fight, being really far too clever
It wasn’t in my breed to wear the uniform for dying
He said, instead, that I was bred to do a little spying
Everyone knew that the plans in Cognesia were guarded with
excellent care
If I were to get them I just couldn’t let them discover an
Englishman there
They’d need a distraction so my plan of action was pose as a guy
from Japan
I’d never before had a greater idea, there’s never been quite
such a plan
Chorus:
There’s never been quite such a plan
Jefferson:
And nobody ever found out I was there and I managed to leave
with them all unaware
Chorus:
He managed to leave with them all unaware and nobody ever found
out he was there
Jefferson:
They welcomed me warmly, I’ve never felt more like erupting in
rapturous laughter
The monarch adored me, although he did bore me, I
couldn’t have won their love faster
I never forgot the risk I was taking meant laying my life on the
line
But they had a station for inebriation, Hey Jervis, let’s have
some more wine
Chorus:
Hey Jervis, let’s have some more wine!
Jefferson:
And nobody ever found out I was there, and I managed to leave
with them all unaware
Chorus:
He managed to leave with them all unaware, and nobody ever found
out he was there
Jefferson:
Now I have a secret that you musn’t tell well I had an illicit
affair
I met a young girl of no more than 16 who happened to be the
king’s heir
It took little time ‘til the plans were soon mine, but that
isn’t the end of my story
My mission now done, we both had some fun, though for me it was
still statutory
Chorus:
For him it was still statutory
Courtier:
And he sounds
like he’s not even sorry!
Jefferson:
And nobody ever found out I was there, and I managed to leave
with them all unaware
Chorus:
He managed to leave with them all unaware and nobody ever found
out he was there
Those stupid Cognesians they just didn’t see how he stole all
the plans so obviously
How did they just let such a hoax pass them by?
I guess that’s the work of a really good spy.
Jefferson:
I guess that’s
the work of a really good spy!
Chorus:
And nobody ever found out he was there, and he managed to leave
with them all unaware
He managed to leave with them all unaware and nobody ever found
out he was there
KARLIM: Hahaha!
Those silly Cognesians. I can’t believe they didn’t see through a scheme so
obvious! Pretending to be an ambassador from a country that probably doesn’t
exist! I can’t believe no one saw through that! (more laughter, all the men
are going nuts, especially MANSART and KARLIM.)
(By now STUDLEY should be half-passed
out on the table. CELESTE stands.)
KARLIM: Where
are you off to so early, my dear?
Japan? (KARLIM starts
laughing again, reaching towards MANSART and slapping the table as he guffaws.
MANSART is matching him laugh for laugh.)
CELESTE: Yes, Father, I’m off to Japan. (The men continue to laugh.) Come on Mother, it’s getting late. (CELESTE
drags STUDLEY from out of her chair and they walk offstage.)
(The dinner guests are beginning to
get up, still laughing, and beginning to stumble off stage.)
KARLIM: (Imitating
CELESTE) Come on Mansy,
It’s getting late. (They all break into laughter again and KARLIM and
MANSART now begin to get up. They laugh and laugh as though their laughter was
a dialogue. The LORDS disperse offstage. MANSART and KARLIM begin to walk off.
JEFFERSON is left alone at the table. He pours himself a glass of wine and
drinks it down in one gulp.)
MANSART: (sarcastically) Good night Mr. Ambassador.
JEFFERSON: (softly) Good night, Citizen.
MANSART: (serious) Citizen?
KARLIM: (laughing) Come on Mansy!
(Blackout)
(LEDOUX
is pacing around the room sharpening a knife and is trimming his sideburns with
the knife. LEVAU is gorging himself on a feast at a banquet table. From behind
the wall at the back of the stage we hear KARLIM and MANSART talking and
laughing. They walk to the doorway in the wall at the rear of the stage still
laughing and joking; now they are in view of the audience.)
MANSART: (Laughing
continuously)
KARLIM: …Well
I tried to explain it to them and I said do you think a kingdom would stand for
a King who goes around shooting blanks? Would they now? And they came to me
saying, “But your Highness,” You know how they do?
MANSART: Ohhhhh! Yes! Yes! (Renewed crescendo of
laughing)
KARLIM: (beginning
to laugh himself) And
so they said, “Your Highness, but surely it’s the right time, don’t you think?”
(stopping now in front of the open doorway) And I said, “What are your asking me for? Why don’t you
talk to the duck?!”
MANSART: Ooooh!
The Duck! Ahhhhahh! Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! What a wit you have, your
Highness! Haahaahaa! Truly marvelous! (continues laughing)
KARLIM: Isn’t
it now? (chuckling)
MANSART: Oh!
Oh! Please, I can’t take any more! (on the verge of weeping)
KARLIM: (laughing
and getting carried away)
Well you’ve heard the one about…
MANSART: (breaking
suddenly from his laughter with a more serious tone) No, please. Ahhahhaha (laughing to
recover from his lapse from sycophanticism) Oh! You’re wonderful. The Duck! Ahhahhaha!
(KARLIM breaks into laughter again)
KARLIM: (still
chuckling) Oh well,
then. Good night to you Mansy! (exits laughing)
MANSART: (still laughing) Ohhoho! The best to you you’re majesty.
Good evening. (Turning into the room but still laughing and calling out to
the departing KARLIM)
Sleep well. (enters room laughing, shuts door, becomes dark & serious) Stupid bastard.
LEVAU: Hey
Mansy.
MANSART: Shut
up, and listen you pudgy pig’s gut. Look at the two of you. Stinking, filthy,
ugly, mindless, miserable retches.
LEDOUX: (pointing
to LEVAU) He’s the one
who stinks.
MANSART: Shut up. How can you be so calm when there
is a thief on the loose? (LEVAU reacts nervously. LEDOUX meanwhile has been
leaning against a sideboard slowly sliding an enormous candelabra into his
shirt when he hears MANSART say there is a thief on the loose and he quickly
pulls the candelabra back out and places it inconspicuously back onto the
sideboard.) Yes! That’s
right, there is a prowling thief out to steal all of our hard work, our
reputation, our place in this court—everything we’ve worked so hard to achieve.
Gentlemen, we are being undermined. Did you see what happened today?
LEVAU: What?
MANSART: He
just walked through our gates, welcomed with trumpets and feasting.
LEVAU: You
mean the ambassador?
MANSART: Yes,
the ambassador. (sarcastically)
LEDOUX: I
rather like the new ambassador.
MANSART: Oh
do you, then? I suppose you like being stripped of your dignity, kicked out of
your own room, told to sleep outside in a barn with horses and then made to
pick up after the horses and made to eat the horses. Do you like horses that
much? Do you? (LEDOUX looks contrite)
(An AIDE walks by the door and leans
in)
AIDE: Hey
Mansy, don’t forget about the horses. They just ate. (winks and does a
pistol shooting gesture with his hand and leaves.)
(Anger visibly builds in MANSART)
MANSART: (quiet
and dark) I’ve been a
member of this court for 25 years! For 25 years I’ve answered to every call
that crowned doofus has made. (sarcastically) “Rub my bunions, Mansy.” “Tighten my
girdle, Mansy.” “Check me for ticks, Mansy.”
LEVAU: And
remember the time he thought he had crabs?
MANSART: (Shudder) Our dear Karlim has been a thorn in my
side for too long!
MANSY’S RANT
(MANSART)
Mansart:
Well, Gentlemen, I don’t know if you noticed
It’s surprising that you’re smiling ‘cause I can’t
I’ve trailed around this city, never dabbled in self-pity
As I played the part of royal sycophant
I’ve never had complaint; I’ve shown perfect self-restraint
Although I sometimes felt my uniform looked girly
And it’s often my distress that I sleep half an hour less
Because the King decides he wants to wake up early
Well, Gentlemen, please heed me, let me try to make this clear
He’s not the brightest light-bulb in the royal chandelier
Something must be done, we can switch the play of power
I’ve waited twenty-five years, I won’t wait another hour
(Interlude,
LeVau and LeDoux tango)
I’m tired of getting caught in superstition
When it leaves us with a ruler who’s a twit
My mission’s getting clearer and the time is getting nearer
I’m so glad that his attention’s on the brit
He’s a waste of royal space, he’s a buffoon, he’s a brute
He doesn’t know that I’m guy who will assume the kingly duties
Unaware of what he’ll see and what I’ll do and what he’ll get
Because Mansy ain’t no pansy, and you ain’t seen nothing yet.
MANSART: For 25 years I have done everything in
my power to move up the ladder rung by splintery rung. For what? So some wily
ambassador can come into my court,
spend ten minutes in front of my King, and make them think he’s the greatest
thing to come along since the plow. Now tell me gentlemen, does this seem right
to you?
LEDOUX & LEVAU: No
sir.
MANSART: What?
LEDOUX & LEVAU: (louder) No sir.
MANSART: Who
does he think he is? Has anyone ever heard of this so-called (hand quotes) “England?” Where the hell is this “England?” Probably some ally of the
Cognesians, no doubt.
LEVAU: I
don’t know about that.
MANSART: Oh really! “England,” “Cognesia.” Funny how
they both emphasize the letter “E” don’t you think.
LEDOUX: (slamming
a knife into the table with violent exclamation) Those bastards.
LEVAU: You
know what word also uses the letter “E?” Treachery (emphasizing the -ee
sound at the end of treachery.)
MANSART: Gentlemen,
I think we’re on to something. And by we, I mean I. So we all have a duty to
our people to expose this saucy rogue and all of his misbegotten treachery. My
dear mother didn’t dress me up as a girl till the age of four so that I could
spend my life as a groveling courtier. I should be a prince and I will not
tolerate anyone getting in the way of my rightful place, especially not our
pesty little guest. His evil must be made known. When I discover his true
identity, I will be a hero to the people and rewarded by the king. It is up to
me to lay the trap, and by me, I mean you.
SCENE 6: OBSERVATORY
(CELESTE enters the observatory and
arranges her equipment to observe the stars.)
RISING SIGNS
(CELESTE)
Celeste:
Risings signs, a moving cycle
Well I try to calculate them
Until they rearrange themselves
Stars look fine from down here
I was told as they unfold
Their mysteries, leaving histories
Trying to maintain themselves
I’m not a gazer or a dreamer
I’m an analyst
But one day they’ll be controversy
And I’ll be there to handle it
I want to speak my mind through what my eyes can see
The things that I don’t know are all the things that I believe
Rising skies, I can chart the possibilities
Turning focus
Never get to near to me
Passive eyes, lonely in activities
Turning focus
This really
seems a little silly
I won’t get tired of superstition and divinity
But it seems obvious my effort’s being wasted
I breathe… the wind’s breath
And if I felt your air, I’d wonder what I tasted
Rising signs climbing high, rising signs, pile stars
Rising signs on top of one another
Until they all crash down and start again
Rising signs, heaven’s ascending
But it’s ending, interrupted by
Changing times, they’re moving slowly
No one told me that my world would move so fast
(JEFFERSON walks in. CELESTE turns
around and looks surprised to see him)
CELESTE: Good
evening, Ambassador. I didn’t expect to see you here.
JEFFERSON: Good evening, Celeste. I hope I’m not
intruding.
CELESTE: Oh,
not at all. Is there anything I can do for you?
JEFFERSON: No, I’m just looking around. (JEFFERSON and CELESTE both pause
awkwardly)
CELESTE: Are
you finding your way around the castle all right?
JEFFERSON: Yes. I’ve found the people around here to be
very helpful with directions.
CELESTE: That’s
good to hear. I hope you’ve found
your accommodations satisfactory.
JEFFERSON: They’re very nice, thank you. Is this an
observatory?
CELESTE: Yes,
this is where we watch the stars, in order to learn about ourselves and where
our lives are going.
JEFFERSON: How can you learn about yourself by plotting
the stars?
CELESTE: (looking
puzzled) Well,
depending on what sign you were born under and what stars are in that sign at
the moment, it tells you something about what kind of future you will have.
JEFFERSON: Oh, of course. So, what’s your sign?
CELESTE: Look,
the clouds have cleared up and I can chart the sky now. (writes down some
planet locations) See, here’s a map of the sky. I mark
down where the planets are. Notice how Mercury is in the 5th house,
that’s what I was born under. This means that I should make myself more widely
available to others.
JEFFERSON: Oh really. (sounds skeptical)
CELESTE: It
even predicted your arrival. Here’s what the stars looked like yesterday. It
shows that someone from far away will soon arrive in the court. That must have
been you.
JEFFERSON: Wow. How were you able to read that out of
the star chart?
CELESTE: The
zodiac for our family and the court is Leo, and yesterday at this time, Neptune
was right in the middle of Leo.
JEFFERSON: And Neptune represents travelers?
CELESTE: Of
course.
JEFFERSON: So what else does it say about me?
CELESTE: When
were you born?
JEFFERSON: Two days before the Ides of April.
CELESTE: Ok,
that makes you an Aries. (looks in telescope again)
There’s nothing in Aries tonight. I guess your future is a mystery. (looks
in telescope. JEFFERSON looks suspicious and nervous).
JEFFERSON: Can
I look through your telescope?
CELESTE: Sure.
JEFFERSON: (looks through telescope for a while) You can look at these stars and divine
the future. But I look, and no matter how hard I try, all I see is some points
of light, a thousand of them.
They’re interesting and beautiful. I know people who’ve spent their
lives trying to understand stars, but I’d never thought they could tell me
anything about myself.
CELESTE: Well,
I could teach you. There are twelve signs of the zodiac…
SCENE
7: COURT, FOLLOWING MORNING
(In the Delphinian court. MANSART and his two cronies, LEDOUX and LEVAU , are already
upstage center. Other COURTIERS are scattered around, all engaged in their own
business. There are two thrones, and as the lights come up we hear a bugle play
a brief fanfare to announce the arrival of KARLIM and STUDLEY.)
HERALD: Announcing the arrival of his royal Highness, his
majesty King Karlim, and his noble Queen, Studley.
KARLIM: Thank you Crier, thank you. Good morning everyone!
ALL: Good
morning, your highness.
KARLIM: (sitting) I’m sorry for being so late, I
just needed a little extra sleep this morning. A teeny bit too much wine at
dinner last night, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Ah! It’s a fine day, isn’t it? Another
bright and glorious morning, don’t you think milady? (STUDLEY grunts) Now I
wonder what’s in store for us today…
(JEFFERSON
enters as energetic as ever. He approaches KARLIM and STUDLEY.)
KARLIM: Ah! Good morning, Jefferson! Have you recovered
from our evening together?
JEFFERSON: As well as anyone can
recover from such a splendid meal and exquisite entertainment, your Highness.
STUDLEY: (to KARLIM) He’s talking about me, Karlim.
KARLIM: Well, I hope we haven’t tired you out. You can
expect many more such evenings for as long as you choose to stay here.
JEFFERSON: Well, thank you sir. I’m
sure I will never grow weary of them.
Your court brims with a life of its own. It’s really quite exciting and
wonderful to watch.
MANSART: (to his men) It’s
disgusting! They’re practically bosom buddies. I am the only bosom he may be a
buddy with!
LEVAU: That’s just not fair, Mansy.
MANSART: No it isn’t, LeVau.
KARLIM: So you are enjoying your stay, I presume? How were
your accommodations?
JEFFERSON: Oh, excellent sir. Are you sure
you haven’t accidentally provided me with the papal suite? It really is much
more than necessary.
KARLIM: No mistakes, sir. Let it never be said that King
Karlim does not know how to treat his guests!
JEFFERSON: Your reputation is most
definitely safe, sir. (moves closer to KARLIM, buddy-buddy) And if I
may say, your Highness, it will never be said that Delphinian wine is neither
delectable nor extremely strong.
KARLIM: (chuckling) It’s always been my top
priority!
MANSART: (watching KARLIM and JEFFERSON) This is not good. This is
not good. This is not right. This is not good.
LEVAU: What should we do, Mansart?
LEDOUX: I know how to get rid of him…
MANSART: You’re a doll, Ledoux, but as tempting as a daylight pick-axe
homicide may be, we have to sit and wait for now. (still watching, as KARLIM
and JEFFERSON are laughing in obvious camaraderie) Ugh!
This is horrifying. I can’t look anymore. Everything I’ve worked for is going
up in smoke. I’ll be in the barn for the rest of my life!
LEVAU: I still think if we bundle that
hay right it really might be kind of comfy.
MANSART: (hits him) Shut up, maggot! No, I still think that we
can bring this “ambassador” down. I think we’re close. Very, very close.
LEVAU: You really think he’s a
Cognesian spy?
MANSART: (smiles) Well, now, LeVau, I don’t think it’s right to talk so
accusingly of our good English ambassador, do you?
KARLIM: So don’t forget to mention that to your king. I’m
sure it will please him!
JEFFERSON: Of course, your Highness. (shaking
his hand) Thank you again for everything. I look forward to the rest of
my stay here in your fine kingdom. (CELESTE enters and seats herself
comfortably at the front of the stage, facing the audience. She has brought
some books, a pad of paper, and a pencil with her, and she is working
diligently)
KARLIM: You’re too kind, Jefferson! And the pleasure is ours.
JEFFERSON: (bowing) I hope
you have a pleasant day! (begins to walk)
KARLIM: Yes, a pleasant day!
LEVAU: (to MANSART) He’s
coming our way…
MANSART: (calling) Ambassador Jefferson! (JEFFERSON stops,
turns, recognizes MANSART and goes to greet him)
JEFFERSON: (pleasantly) Well,
good morning Lord Mansart. It’s a pleasure to see you up so early. Sleep well?
MANSART: (a little perturbed) Like a horse. I see you and King
Karlim are getting along quite well.
JEFFERSON: Yes, it seems so. He’s
quite an agreeable monarch. You are fortunate to be in his service.
MANSART: Yes we are, and we value that service very highly.
LEVAU: Very…
LEDOUX: Highly.
MANSART: Very highly indeed. And he values ours. One thing you should know
about King Karlim is that he is always generous to his friends, (darkly) and
always very disappointed in those friends who prove false. Once you enter his
trust, ambassador, I warn you never to fall out of it, or you’ll see our jolly old
King Cole become Nero before your very eyes, but instead of burning Rome the
flames will be yours to bear.
JEFFERSON: Hard words, Mansart.
MANSART: Oh I don’t mean to frighten you, I simply want you to be aware. But I’m sure you have nothing to worry
about. You’ve been nothing but open and honest with us since the moment you
arrived here.
JEFFERSON: Well…I’ve certainly tried.
KARLIM: (to STUDLEY, looking at JEFFERSON) He’s
such a nice man, that ambassador, don’t you think miladay? I wonder if all
Englishmen are as polite as he is.
STUDLEY: I wonder if they’re all as muscular.
KARLIM: Or as appreciative.
STUDLEY: Or
as tall.
KARLIM: Or
as friendly.
STUDLEY: Or as handsome.
KARLIM: Or
as intelligent.
STUDLEY: Or as sweaty. (KARLIM gives STUDLEY an odd look)
MANSART: Yes, but I’ve been meaning to ask you to tell me more, Ambassador
Jefferson, about your exploits in Cognesia. It was such a fascinating story you
told at dinner last night. Now, you actually arrived as a spy, posing as an
ambassador no less, and remained undiscovered for weeks? (LEVAU and LEDOUX’s
eyes noticeably widen)
JEFFERSON: Well, yes, that is the
story. The Cognesians are an easy people to fool, you see.
MANSART: Are they? Why, we’ve
sent in numerous spies and they’ve all been arrested within days.
JEFFERSON: (somewhat uncomfortable) Well,
they’re easy to fool if you know how.
MANSART: Really? And how exactly does one fool the Cognesian court?
JEFFERSON: Well…I…shouldn’t give away
my secrets. At least not so early in the morning. Besides, my days of espionage
are long over now, as is the war between our two nations.
MANSART: Mm-hmm…It’s funny, you know. I’ve done extensive research on Cognesian
history, and I’ve yet to find any mention of any past conflicts with England.
JEFFERSON: Well…It was almost over
before it began.
(As though in the nick of time, CELESTE makes a loud grunt of
anguish and tears up the paper she was working on)
CELESTE: (to her work) Damn you! I never get it right.
(JEFFERSON turns toward her, then back to MANSART)
JEFFERSON: I really must be going, Mansart.
(shaking hands) It’s been a pleasure, and I hope you have a productive day.
MANSART: (smiling) Oh, I
already have. (Horse whinnies from offstage. JEFFERSON turns and walks to CELESTE)
JEFFERSON: Good morning, your
Highness!
CELESTE: (looking up, surprised) Oh!
Ambassador. I didn’t see you there. Good morning! (tries to stand up)
JEFFERSON: No, no. Don’t get up. I’ll come
down. (sits down next to her) What are you doing?
CELESTE: Oh this? Oh, I’m just trying to
interpret the star charts from last night. I ended up going to bed early, and I
didn’t finish.
JEFFERSON: Always with your star
charts. Such a devoted student.
CELESTE: Well, sometimes I’m just a frustrated student. I’m not
having much luck.
JEFFERSON: So I heard. May I see? (CELESTE
hands him some of the star charts)
ATTENDANT: (male,
the stereotypical gay male hairdresser type, attending to KARLIM) Your
Highness is looking a little tired today.
KARLIM: Oh, just recovering from a jolly good time last
night.
ATTENDANT: Too
many jolly good times and I’m going to have a sick, sick king on my hands. Have
you taken your vitamin?
KARLIM: No no, not yet.
CELESTE: Now what’s not making sense to me is this combination of
constellations here. It looks familiar but I can’t figure out for the life of
me what it means!
MANSART: (to LEDOUX and LEVAU) Did you see that? Were you two
loons paying attention? He was practically beside himself. He couldn’t wait to
get away. And I swear he broke a sweat!
LEVAU: I don’t know why Karlim doesn’t
see through him.
MANSART: Because Karlim is an idiot and he only sees what he wants to see.
But I’m not nearly so weak. I see. I see very clearly now.
JEFFERSON: (still referring to
charts) It looks like this arrow is shooting off into nowhere in
particular.
CELESTE: No,
it’s not. Keep following the path. Look where it’s headed.
JEFFERSON: Mars.
CELESTE: That’s right, Mars.
JEFFERSON: What do you think it means?
CELESTE: I don’t
know.
JEFFERSON: An arrow is shot into the god
of war… It’s kind of poetic, actually.
CELESTE: How?
JEFFERSON: The god of war is about to
be destroyed by one of his own weapons.
CELESTE: It’s self-destructive. There are no winners.
JEFFERSON: Yes. Exactly.
CELESTE: Like our war.
JEFFERSON: What?
CELESTE: Against
the Cognesians. Maybe the stars are trying to tell us that there won’t be any
winners in this war. That we’ll both be destroyed. That we’re destroying ourselves.
JEFFERSON: Maybe. (Pause) Do the
stars often give you signs about the war?
CELESTE: Not
really. Although maybe I’m just not looking hard enough. I wouldn’t have noticed this one if it
weren’t for you. (they look in each other’s eyes for the briefest moment)
KARLIM: (smiling broadly, staring at CELESTE and
JEFFERSON) Oh! Look at the two of them!
I COULD
CALL HIM LOVER
(Karlim
& Studley)
Karlim:
The two of
them are smiling, don’t they seem a happy pair?
Do you
think that our daughter is in love?
He’s such
a perfect gentleman.
Studley:
I wonder
if she’ll share
Karlim:
Cause I
think that our daughter is in love.
I cannot
hide my jealousy! He’s stolen her away from me!
Studley:
I wonder
if I’ll ever see him naked!
Karlim:
He soon
became my closet friend,
And now
it’s coming to end.
Studley:
I’m sure
with him I wouldn’t have to fake it!
Cause I
really like to be vocal
But my
imagination’s not good enough to be vocal with him
(STUDLEY glares at Karlim)
Karlim:
It’s
almost like a fairy tale
Studley:
I want to
know just how big is his
Karlim:
I never
thought I’d have to let her go
Tears of
joy have made my face wet
Seems just
yesterday that they met
Studley:
I know
that he would make me wet as well
Karlim:
Oh hell.
Karlim: Studley:
I could
call him brother You
would not believe the things that I would do to him
For there
could be no other
Who is
worth of Celeste
Darling,
please forgive me I
could call him lover
I am
overwhelmed I
am overwhelmed
With
dirty little secrets
It’s time
to let her go
I’ll let
her know that
I could
call him brother I
could call him lover
I could
call him brother I
could call him lover
For I’m
quite sure Are
you quite sure
Our
daughter is in love Our
daughter is in love
For I’m
quite sure Are
you quite sure
Our
daughter is in love Our
daughter is in love
JEFFERSON: (to CELESTE) Has the
war been hard for you?
CELESTE: Oh, it’s easy for me, I guess, to sit in my big, comfy
castle and watch it all happen from a safe distance. I just…well, there has to
be a better way to work things out between peoples. There’s so much we could learn from each other, so much we
could do for each other, but nobody thinks of that. They’re all too concerned
with winning the war. Beating the bad guy. How do we know we’re not the bad
guy? How do we know we aren’t both
the bad guys? There has to be a better way.
JEFFERSON: Maybe there isn’t always a
better way.
CELESTE: But maybe there is! I’m serious. I’ve been doing some
reading. Do you know how many wars have been avoided just through a few
people’s commitment to peace at all costs? You’re the ambassador here, you should know what I’m talking
about.
JEFFERSON: You’re an idealist,
Celeste.
CELESTE: What’s the matter with that?
JEFFERSON: Nothing. Nothing at all. (they
smile)
MINSTREL:
It's good to see that most of you have
not been scared away
the pit band doesn't always know what
they are meant to play...
(musical break for 2 beats.. a digression..minstrel looks
down menacingly to the pit...a 'sorry!' is heard...)
MINSTREL: No
problem.
(music starts again)
MINSTREL: Anyway,
hello again. Things have really changed in the court since the last time I saw
you. Who would have thought that the ambassador would have turned out to be a
spy? (sarcastically) I sure
didn't. And what was up with the late night carousal? Well, after that first
hectic day, things at King Karlim's court began to settle down a bit. The
ambassador took on his time adjusting to Delphinian life. The days drifted on.
Celeste continued to pour over the stars, and her interest in Jefferson
continued to grow. Jefferson was intrigued by more than Celeste's
star-charting, but he struggled to maintain his delicate balance between his
innate attraction, and his pressing mission. Mansart and his flunkies remained
frustrated at best; they could undermine Jefferson's favor with the king. (music
changes to a tango, and the Minstrel does a few steps in jest...) Speaking of Karlim, he remained as
jolly as ever, clapping and laughing at the slightest diversion. His wife,
meanwhile doesn't have a very clear recollection of the days that passed, but
her penchant for wine never deminished.
(Music changes, is darker and more 'dramatic') However life was not at all pleasant
for the king; the war with Cognesia was reaching a boiling point and was
weighing heavily on everyone's mind.
The cheerful equilibrum of King Karlim's court over those passing days
could not last forever. The honeymoon now over, Jefferson would soon have to
act.
MINSTREL:
Here's a story that's getting quite
involved, and leaving problems left un-solved
So listen carefully, cause words are stronger than they seem…
SCENE
9: SECOND MESSENGER SCENE
(JEFFERSON is seen sneaking around a
darkened stage except for the front left corner, which has a low light.)
JEFFERSON: Dammit, Echinore, why do you always do this to me? Hello? Hello?
(Two feet step into the light)
ECHINORE: Hello, Citizen. I’ve been waiting for some time now.
JEFFERSON: Sorry, I got held up a bit at the castle. My work is very demanding.
ECHINORE: Perhaps it is too demanding...
JEFFERSON: (surprised) What? What do you mean? I’ve been doing my job as well as it can be done!
ECHINORE: I’m glad to hear that,
Citizen. You know, some of the
leaders back home had been making wagers as to whether you hadn’t been
captured.
JEFFERSON: (astonished) What?
ECHINORE: It’s
been two whole weeks, Citizen, and you’ve made very little progress. That’s quite unlike you. I can’t help
but wonder what is keeping you sidetracked. Time is ticking, and the
Delphinians are not just going to wait forever before they turn their plans
into a fatal counteroffensive against us.
These people may be superstitious, but they’re not naive. At some point they’re going to
get suspicious. They’re going to
realize that something going on.
GUARD: Hey,
what’s going on down there?
JEFFERSON: Uhh, Ahh…A birthday party.
GUARD: Oh…Ok. Happy birthday!
ECHINORE: Citizen, you are treading on very thin ice.
JEFFERSON: Don’t be so dramatic. I can handle this. In ten years have I ever not
gotten the job done?
ECHINORE: In ten years you have never
had an assignment this important.
Perhaps the pressure is overwhelming you.
JEFFERSON: No! I’m
fine. I…I have a plan. I believe I
have won the faith of the princess.
ECHINORE: The princess? What good is she going to do you?
JEFFERSON: Quite a bit of good, thank you very much! Just trust me.
ECHINORE: (pause) Of course. Just try to keep your mind on your work. I don't have to tell you what a
complication this could be if you were to fall for her yourself. Logically speaking, it's a big risk.
JEFFERSON: (under his breath) Not everything needs to be so logical...
ECHINORE: What was that?
JEFFERSON: Oh, nothing, nothing. Now, unless you have anything else, I'd
like to get back to the castle before people begin to get suspicious.
ECHINORE: Of course. (JEFFERSON begins to walk away) Well, there is one more thing.
JEFFERSON: And what is that?
ECHINORE: I have recently received word
that there is a promotion awaiting your successful return to Cognesia, with the
plans of course.
JEFFERSON: Really?
ECHINORE: Yes. The citizens back home hope that this
will help to…focus you on your goal. If we are to win this war, we have got to
have those plans.
JEFFERSON: Of course.
ECHINORE: Oh, and if you should not
succeed, let’s just say that the government center could use a good cleaning
person…
JEFFERSON: Echinore, I get the point. I’ll have the plans by the
end of the week
ECHINORE: Good. Now there’s the citizen
I know! Do not forget the faith that all of Cognesia, including Lord Sedarc,
has in your abilities. That is all for now. As the quaint people here would
say, “I wish you luck.”
JEFFERSON: Thank you. And Echinore…(he’s gone
again) Hello?…Echinore?
(to himself) Right.
Jefferson:
I’ve got a problem hanging over me
‘Cause I’ve been caught up deep in secrecy
My true direction lies deep within deception
But I guess that’s what I’m good at
My people look to me with anxious eyes
I just can’t let them down because I’ve changed my mind
I’ve got a job to do, I couldn’t let their dreams fall through
‘Cause I’m the guy that everyone depends on
Don’t rush me, don’t tell me
I’ll do things on my own time
I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings
But when it all comes down to it
That’s really not my problem
You’ve got a thing or two to say to me
But you don’t have the guts to say it
Why are you blinded by my secrecy?
How could you ever really care for me?
Don’t rush me, don’t tell me
I’m tired of looking through this window as an analyst
Don’t push me through,
Don’t know what to do
Because I damn well didn’t plan for this
I’ll take your world, I’ll steal your plans
But I’m not that strong, I’m just a man
You know I find it’s easy to see
I can read your mind
And your secret’s safe with me.
(Exits. Guard comes out bearing a
birthday cake and looks around wondering what happened to the birthday party.)
(Scene
opens with several GENERALS and LORDS sitting around the war room, in rapt
attention. KARLIM is pacing back and forth, arms clasped behind his back.
MANSART is walking behind KARLIM, taking notes and occasionally bumping into
him when KARLIM turns around.
JEFFERSON is sitting in a prominent place. )
KARLIM: Did
you get that all, Mansy?
MANSART: Yes, your majesty!!
KARLIM: What
do you think of our techniques, Jefferson? This is some of our best work we’ve
been discussing. I’m sure an expert like you would have some constructive criticism
for my generals.
JEFFERSON: (Obviously skeptical) I have to say your methods are creative. I don’t think I‘ve
ever encountered a military mind so… inventive in the moors of England. How did you
possibly come up with such ingenious plans?
KARLIM: My
dear ambassador, we have some very unusual techniques here. They have served us
quite well in the past. Perhaps you would like us to acquaint you with what we
Delphinians call The Art of War.
THE ART OF WAR
(KARLIM, MANSART, and MALE ENSEMBLE)
Karlim:
The things we do are dangerous
But danger’s not a problem with fate on your side.
We watch the star shapes carefully
And know that we are in when they collide
Mansart:
The problems caused by all the fools
Who think they know what’s right and wrong don’t mix
We got a problem, but we also got a fix
Chorus:
Put a pinch of pepper in your pocket to protect you
Take a couple sniffs of this, we’re sure it comes from Neptune
Heaven’s watching carefully, heaven’s watching over me
Watch to see our way of waging war
It’s the art of war
Karlim:
War is like a painting
You can sketch it out on paper with perfect care
War is like a big museum
With flying colors and crippling speed
And flashes of light that light up the night
Mansart:
And big brigades and all the hate
Karlim:
Troubles crash and crumble
But it’s beautiful as art,
Both:
Because we fight for love and glory
‘Til the story falls apart
Chorus:
Put a pinch of pepper in your pocket to protect you
Take a couple sniffs of this, we’re sure it comes from Neptune
Heaven’s watching carefully, heaven’s watching over me
Watch to see our way of waging war
It’s the art of war
Karlim and
Mansart:
The things we do are dangerous
But danger’s not a problem with fate on your side.
We watch the star shapes carefully
And know that we are in when they collide
Chorus:
Put a pinch of pepper in your helmet to protect you
Take a couple sniffs of this, we’re sure it comes from Neptune
Heaven’s watching carefully, heaven’s watching over me
Watch to see our way of waging war
It’s the art of
war
(The other
generals and lords exit, chanting “The Art of War” chorus over and over again. MANSART and
JEFFERSON are the last to leave. MANSART drops many papers and maps and such
things.)
JEFFERSON: Oh! Let me help you.
(MANSART grins, lets JEFFERSON help
him)
MANSART: Thank you, Ambassador. I wouldn’t want to delay
getting these secret battle plans back to the Royal Map Room.
JEFFERSON: No, certainly not.
MANSART: Yes, yes. Ah, well…I’ll just take these secret
battle plans back to the Royal Map Room now. And leave them on the king’s desk,
just where he likes to keep them.
JEFFERSON: I’m sure that’s a very safe place to keep them.
MANSART: Well, not really. One tiny little very breakable
lock stands between a would-be thief and these plans. That’s why after tonight,
the plans will be moved to a strong box in an extra-secure location. You just
can’t take chances when these plans in the wrong hands could mean total and
utter defeat for our people. But, I can’t spend all this time chitchatting. I
have to go bring these…
BOTH: …secret
battle plans back to the royal map room.
(Exit ALL)
SCENE
11: LOVE SCENE
(The observatory. Late evening. Similar set-up to first
observatory scene. CELESTE is
diligently at her charts and looking at the stars. She does not see JEFFERSON
enter)
JEFFERSON: I figured you’d be here.
CELESTE: (startled) Oh! I didn’t see you there
Ambassador. (standing) How do you do?
JEFFERSON: Please, please, there’s no
need to stand. May I sit down?
CELESTE: Of course. (JEFFERSON takes seat next to her)
JEFFERSON: Do your friends have
anything interesting to say tonight?
CELESTE: (giggling) My friends?
JEFFERSON: Yes, your friends. The
stars.
CELESTE: I’ve never thought to call them my friends before.
JEFFERSON: Well, what else would you
call them? You spend all your time with them. Whenever you need advice you turn
to them. You know them better than you know most people. It’s like you prefer their
world to your own.
CELESTE: Well, maybe their world has more to teach me.
JEFFERSON: Is that all?
CELESTE: (pause) I go to them because I can, and
because I know they’ll always be there, and…and they always have something
interesting to say.
JEFFERSON: How about tonight?
CELESTE: Tonight is very interesting. They’re quite talkative.
Venus was shining extremely brightly earlier this evening. Its light was
actually drowning out the nearby stars. But now it looks like Mars is going to
eclipse it. It’s amazing. There’s going to be quite a hullabaloo about this in
the morning.
JEFFERSON: Sounds exciting.
CELESTE: It is. And it’s so beautiful.
JEFFERSON: May I see?
CELESTE: Oh,
of course. (CELESTE allows JEFFERSON to sit in her chair and look through
the telescope)
JEFFERSON: I don’t see it.
CELESTE: It’s in the northwest. Look for the two
bright lights. They’re right next to each other.
JEFFERSON: Where?
CELESTE: Right…okay, look at this chart. It’s these two lights
right here. (CELESTE takes JEFFERSON’s hand and points it at Venus &
Mars) See?
JEFFERSON: Oh, okay.
CELESTE: Now,
look for that same pair in the telescope.
JEFFERSON: Oh! There it is!
CELESTE: (her hands are on his shoulders) Isn’t it
beautiful?
JEFFERSON: Yes it is. (lengthy
pause, JEFFERSON admires stars, CELESTE admires JEFFERSON) Venus
and Mars, huh? They look great together.
CELESTE: Yes, they’re quite a couple.
JEFFERSON: Love and War? They’re not
exactly meant for each other.
CELESTE: Do you believe that two people can be
meant for each other?
JEFFERSON: (turning back from the
telescope) Do you?
CELESTE: I asked you first.
JEFFERSON: But you have something to say about
it.
CELESTE: (pause) I’ve always been taught to
believe that they can. Before we were born, our soul mates were chosen for us
by forces we don’t fully understand, and all we have to do is find that person.
There’s no one else we could be with. You might think you’re in love with
somebody else, but you can only really be in love with your soul mate.
JEFFERSON: So how do you know you’ve
found your soul mate?
CELESTE: Because you’ll have found true love.
JEFFERSON: How do you know you’ve
found true love?
CELESTE: You just know, I guess. Or you could ask the stars.
JEFFERSON: And the stars will tell
you?
CELESTE: If you know how to read them.
JEFFERSON: So you can’t be with
someone unless you’ve fallen truly in love, and you’ve truly only fallen in
love if you have the permission of the stars?
CELESTE: Exactly.
JEFFERSON: And you believe that?
CELESTE: I don’t know.
JEFFERSON: Which leads us back to our
first question, do you believe that two people can be meant for each other?
CELESTE: Do you?
JEFFERSON: I asked you first.
CELESTE: But you have something to say about it.
JEFFERSON: (pause) I’ve
been taught that there’s no such thing as love. Or if there is such a thing
then it’s too unpredictable and totally illogical. It only complicates things.
Where I come from we plan everything out. People marry for practical purposes.
One has a great job and the other has a great plot of land, or maybe one is a
great writer and the other has a lot to write about and they stay together for
convenience’s sake. If two people are meant for each other it’s because they
each have what the other wants. It
has nothing to do with love.
CELESTE: And this is the “English” theory of romance?
JEFFERSON: No, it’s the…Well yes, of
course it is. (she smiles slightly and he pretends not to notice)
CELESTE: So nobody falls in love in England?
JEFFERSON: Well, hopefully with time
the married couple will develop an affection for each other that is often equal
to love, but you see because every match is ideal every couple is basically
happy with or without love, which may or may not exist anyway.
CELESTE: Basically happy. May or may not exist?
JEFFERSON: Yes.
CELESTE: And what do you think?
JEFFERSON: Well…I…I don’t know.
CELESTE: Do you think that there is such a thing as love?
JEFFERSON: I don’t know.
CELESTE: What if two people weren’t so perfectly—I mean
practically—matched for each other, could they still fall in love?
JEFFERSON: What if two people weren’t
so perfectly matched…I mean destined…for each other, could they still in love?
CELESTE: Or should they?
JEFFERSON: Or should they.
CELESTE: That’s a good question.
JEFFERSON: Yes it is.
CELESTE: Because if two people were to fall in love (they
begin to move closer to each other, as though pulled by an unknown and barely
noticeable force)
JEFFERSON: Who weren’t destined for
each other—
CELESTE: Or who weren’t a logical match—
JEFFERSON: Then that would disprove
everything—
CELESTE: And it might answer our question—
JEFFERSON: It just might do that—
CELESTE: It just might indeed—
JEFFERSON: It would be a great
discovery—
CELESTE: A great achievement—
JEFFERSON: For science
CELESTE: For…science
JEFFERSON: Yes…
(They kiss briefly.)
JEFFERSON: I have to go!
CELESTE: Where?
JEFFERSON: (his desperation is
barely concealed) I’m going to be late.
(Exits, CELESTE is left alone. Finally she turns to her charts and
mutters to them)
CELESTE: Well, what do you know? (Blackout)
(A
tower of the Delphinian castle, in which the sorceress lives. There are countless stargazing devices,
star charts, crystal balls, lacy curtains, sparkly things, etc. The Sorceress, LOONA, is staring
into a crystal ball or looking through a telescope when CELESTE enters.)
CELESTE: Madame
Loona—
LOONA: Aah! Oh, Celeste child, you gave me such a
fright I nearly impaled myself on this telescope.
CELESTE: I’m
sorry to have scared you, Madam. I
was hoping you had a minute to talk to me.
LOONA: For
you, child, the stars would stop to listen. What’s on your mind?
CELESTE: Well,
you see, I’ve been doing a lot of work on my charts and I’m desperately trying
to figure out what something means… and I have an idea, but I’m not sure if I’m
confusing what I see with what I—well, with what I want to see.
LOONA: Ah,
you’ve always been such a good student, ever since you were a little bitty
meteorite. Your interpretations of
the heavens are always without fault.
So I’m sure that if some stubborn constellation or a pesky asteroid is
giving you trouble, it really must be a doozy. Come, sit down, and let me see your eyes.
CELESTE: (sits
where Madame LOONA directs her)
LOONA: (looking
into CELESTE’s eyes, examining her palms) Hmmm… you have
the look of someone who’s been hit.
CELESTE: Hit?
LOONA: By
Cupid’s arrow. (Puzzled) And yet, it is a somehow upsetting type of thing. Tell me, Child, have your studies of
the stars foretold love in your near future?
CELESTE: Well,
that’s the problem. I can’t tell
if they’re pointing to love, or to something tragic and dreadful.
LOONA: Indeed,
love and tragedy go hand in hand.
Well, let’s consult the orb and see what she has to say. (Brings crystal ball onto table and
places CELESTE’s hands on it.) Now concentrate on
the center. (Moments pass as
LOONA looks for signs in the crystal.
She gets increasingly curious and puzzled. Finally, she looks up at CELESTE, who is equally curious and
anxious.) Celeste, dear, it appears that the
Powers are as confused as you are.
On the one hand, there is someone special in your life, but on the other,
there is opposition. I see strong
forces trying to move you away from what you may want to move towards. It would be wise to avoid your
problems, and wait until the stars send you a more… agreeable match.
(CELESTE is obviously saddened by this news. She looks distant, disappointed. LOONA, seeing how troubled the Princess
is, thinks for a minute.)
LOONA: You
know, Child, I understand how difficult this is for you. Your entire world is going against
something that feels so right.
Maybe there’s hope for you and your love yet. But going against the stars is a dangerous thing. Be wise, keep your head up… I have no
doubt that your future is great.
CELESTE: Thank
you, Madam Loona. (Slightly
dejected but maintaining a bit of hope, she smiles at LOONA and leaves. Outside of the tower room, she is
startled to find MANSART leaning against the wall.) Oh, Lord Mansart, you surprised me.
MANSART: Why
hello, Celeste. Funny seeing you
here. You never come to talk with
Loona. Must be something very important
(gives a devious smile).
CELESTE: I
don’t see how it’s any of your business.
MANSART: (Sarcastically) Well, I wouldn’t want to
see the princess in any kind of trouble.
I’ve noticed you with that English Ambassador, you know. Seems the two of you are awfully close
to one another.
CELESTE: I
find Jefferson to be good company.
He knows more about the world than most… (looks disgustedly at
MANSART)…
of the men in this kingdom.
MANSART: That’s
exactly what I worry about myself.
In fact, I have reason to believe your little companion isn’t what he
says he is at all. I’m on to his
secrets.
CELESTE: I
don’t know what you’re talking about.
MANSART: Haha,
well, let’s just say that there are a lot of surprises in store for the
Ambassador tonight. (devious smile again. He reaches for her hand, pulls it
up as though he is about to kiss it. CELESTE pulls her hand away and looks at
him disgusted. Smugly…) Good night. (MANSART
walks off)
(MANSART, LEVAU, and LEDOUX enter on
stage. They stand just outside the map room.)
MANSART: I’m telling you, we’ve got him right where
we want him. Jefferson knows the
plans are here; I told him myself.
This is it; tonight is his chance to make a move. If that treacherous fraud wants these
plans, he’ll have to come tonight because as far he knows, the plans are going
to be moved to a more secure location tomorrow. So when he comes to get the plans he’ll walk right into our
trap.
LEVAU: Trap?
MANSART: That’s where you two come in. In order for Jefferson to get into the
map room he’ll have to get by the two of you.
LEVAU: Well…
Why don’t we wait in the room?
MANSART: (Sigh) This is so simple. Work with me here. If you are waiting in the room, you won’t know when he’s
coming and when he does come he will see you waiting for him.
LEDOUX: We
could hide.
MANSART: Where, behind that person-shaped bush? Come on! Be realistic.
You’ll wait in the hallway.
LeVau, you’ll crouch under this table. And Ledoux, you’ll be standing
over here behind this curtain. When Jefferson comes sneaking down the hallway
and passes you (looks at LEVAU) you will strike this metal pot three times. That’s the signal.
(LEVAU strikes the pot three times by
MANSART’s ear. He cringes.)
MANSART: Ahhhhhhhhh! Yes, Yes. O.K. Not Now! (to
LEDOUX) Now when you
hear the signal…
(LEVAU strikes the pot three times by
MANSART’s ear. He cringes.)
MANSART: Ahhhhhhhhh! Give me that, you Ass! (grabs
the pot and spoon from LEVAU.) Now when you hear the signal you’re going to leap out from
behind the curtain and hurl this net onto our impish imposter. When you secure
him in the net, flash this lantern out the window exactly 4 times. I will see
the light from my window and I’ll come running back up. Then I’ll call the King
and the guards. Do you have it?
LEDOUX and LEVAU: Yes sir.
(MANSART pushes the pot back at
LEVAU.)
MANSART: Good. Now get in your places and remain on
guard. We can’t have any slip-ups. He won’t get by us unless we let him. So be
ready!
(MANSART
leaves and LEDOUX and LEVAU take their places. MANSART walks back in.)
MANSART: Oh, there’s one more thing I wanted to tell
you…(Immediately LEVAU hits off 3 bangs and LEDOUX leaps out hurling the net
onto MANSART. MANSART becomes tangled in the net and LEDOUX and LEVAU wrestle
him to the ground.)
MANSART: You stupid fools, get off of me! Get off!
What are you doing! (He finally breaks free.)
LEDOUX: I
heard three rings.
LEVAU: I
thought it was the sp…
MANSART: (furiously) Shut up! I know what you thought! (contained) But you were wrong. Listen, just make
sure you are this alert when Jefferson comes by.
LEVAU and LEDOUX: Sorry boss.
MANSART: That’s fine. If you do what you’re supposed
to, there’s no way he can get into that room.
(JEFFERSON pops out of hiding.)
MANSART: Now get ready. (He walks off stage.)
(JEFFERSON
gets up and begins to walk around the room looking for the safe. He finds it
behind a painting or something. He opens the door and looks through the
papers.)
JEFFERSON: Excellent.
(He
puts his hand on the safe door to close it and just then CELESTE walks in. She
sees him and he sees her. They stop.)
CELESTE: What’s
that?
JEFFERSON: (pause, stutters) I…ah…(CELESTE begins to tear up. Long Pause. Reaches for her face) I’m sorry.
(JEFFERSON
steps half way out the window, looks and makes one last look back, and then
turns and departs. CELESTE remains distraught. Backs away. Curtain falls.)
(The
Minstrel’s costume is now that of a soldier; his lyre is replaced with a drum.)
MINSTREL:
Calling all able bodied men with a
desire to fight for a cause unknown
Calling all loveless fools with nothing
but ideas of personal glory and foolery to bring them home
Calling all morons, followers,
obsequians with squeaky clean records...
And anyone who loves their country!
Come fight! Come fight!
(The
stage is sparse, as the setting is a temporary battle camp. There are several tents and many
odd-looking, geometrical weapons and devices. Several of the COGNESIAN SOLDIERS are making measurements
and calculations. The COGNESIAN
KING is seated center stage, doing something Cognesian-like. The DRUMMERBOY/MINSTREL backs onto the
stage and remains there, drumming subtly throughout the scene. The song in this scene is a
percussional version of the song in the first scene of Act 1.)
C-KING: What
a glorious day. In a few short
minutes, we will welcome back a most exemplary Cognesian citizen. Jefferson is returning from his
perilous mission to Delphinia, and he has successfully taken their battle
plans!
SOLDIERS: (Cheer and celebrate.)
C-KING: Today’s
a busy day, there’s much for us to do.
GROUP 1: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your
Majesty!
C-KING: My
soldiers have been waiting. Which
one am I to choose?
GROUP 1: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your
Majesty!
C-KING: How
about you, there. Stand up and
speak up.
SOLDIER #1: Dear Majesty, I must declare that I have got no pants to
wear. Three pairs I ruined in mud
galore, and thus it seems I have no more.
My poor cold bum will freeze for sure if there is not a simple
cure. If you can’t spare a leg or
two, I know not what I am to do.
C-KING: Ah
yes, ah yes, the classic tale of pants long-gone in swampy trails. Well, soldier, what you must now do is
go and cut one-inch-point-two from every other soldier’s pant, provided that
small length they’ll grant. When sewn together, bit by bit, you’ll
find they make a perfect fit.
SOLDIER #1: Exactly!
That’s the thing to do. (to
fellow SOLDIERS) Could I have one-inch-point-two from
you? (other SOLDIERS offer a
part of their pant leg)
C-KING: It’s
good to see a problem solved.
Where else am I to get involved?
SOLDIER #2: Your Highness, the catapult—
C-KING: Ah
yes, the catapult!
SOLDIER #2: It seems the 37-degree angles are slightly off. This could in turn affect the rotator
mechanism and the aerial velocity of the projectiles. The problem must be fixed immediately.
C-KING: Well,
then, get four men on it right away!
(SOLDIER #2 nods, salutes, and goes to solve the problem.)
Today’s a busy day; there’s much for us to do.
GROUP 1: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your
Majesty!
C-KING: My
soldiers have been waiting. Which
one am I to choose?
GROUP 1: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 2: Your
Majesty!
GROUP 3: Your
Majesty!
C-KING: How
about you, there. Stand up and
speak up.
SOLDIER #3: My Lord, I’m in a troubled state. My weapon’s lodged in this here slate. (shows sword stuck in a piece of
rock) I went to practice with my aim,
and now I’m surely put to shame.
It hit a rock in yonder field and now it simply will not yield. Oh King, have you advice or luck with
getting swords and rocks unstuck?
C-KING: To
solve this troubled situation, all it takes is computation. The structure of the rock is such that
one blow will do very much. Hit it
with a nice big smack, and see the rock begin to crack. You see, my loyal Citizen? It’s logic that will help us win.
SOLDIER #3: Oh yes, of course, now I see. ‘Tis good to know geometry!
C-KING: It’s
good to see a problem solved.
Where else am I to get involved?
SOLDIER #4: Your Highness, we need to test the battle ram. Certain variables need to be taken into
consideration: the number of men,
the amount of force being exerted, the momentum that will build—
C-KING: Good,
then get on it! There’s much to be
done!
ECHINORE: Your Lordship, by my calculations, Jefferson
should be arriving in approximately 15 seconds, if he’s made good time.
(SOLDIERS
run around, preparing things and getting ready for JEFFERSON’S arrival. JEFFERSON slowly walks onstage, and
EVERYONE cheers and revels in his return.)
C-KING: He’s
returned! Welcome back, my dear
Jefferson. My fellow Cognesians,
this is a day of celebration! We
are witnessing the return of a great national hero! (more cheering from the SOLDIERS) This is a man who has gone beyond the call of duty and
proven he is a valiant, loyal, true Cognesian citizen! (more cheering) And now, Jefferson, you may present
your King with the coveted battle plans of the Delphinian army!
JEFFERSON: (Obviously hesitant,
reluctant, anything but proud) Here. (He
thrusts the plans at the KING and turns in shame. There is again wild cheering from the SOLDIERS.)
C-KING: My
dear Jefferson, there will be an appropriate and official recognition of your
achievement at dinner tonight. (leans
in buddy-buddy-like, with his hand by his mouth as if whispering) And I can assure you,
you’ll be more than sufficiently rewarded for what you’ve done; there are some
positions of high rank, should I say, that need to be filled…
JEFFERSON: (Still bitter) Thank you, your Lordship.
C-KING: Well,
let’s take a look at these plans and get to work! (C-KING and SOLDIERS make their way offstage,
leaving only SPY and ECHINORE.)
ECHINORE: Well Citizen, we’ve done it
again. Now the Delphinians don’t
stand a chance against us. The war
will be over shortly, Delphinia will be crushed, and it’s all thanks to you!
JEFFERSON: Great.
Thanks.
ECHINORE: (misinterpreting
his lack of excitement) I shouldn’t have doubted you, Jefferson. You’ve done a find job, as always. Whatever position his Lordship has
planned for you is duly earned.
I’m sorry I questioned your abilities.
JEFFERSON: It’s okay.
Really.
ECHINORE: (pause) Yes, well then…I guess we should go
meet with his Lordship; decode the plans you’ve obtained. (starting to leave)
Are you coming? (no answer) Citizen?
JEFFERSON: (to himself, suddenly realizing) I’m a traitor.
ECHINORE: What?
JEFFERSON: (to ECHINORE) I’m a traitor.
ECHINORE: A traitor? To whom? You’ve been nothing but loyal to— (sees look in
JEFFERSON’s eyes, figures it out) It’s HER, isn’t
it?
JEFFERSON: What do you—?
ECHINORE: Citizen, you can’t let a
ridiculous infatuation with some silly girl…some silly Delphinian girl…keep your mind from your true
duties. From your country. You belong here. You’re one of us. You—
JEFFERSON: Have you ever been in love, Echinore?
ECHINORE: What?
JEFFERSON: In love?
Truly in love?
ECHINORE: I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re not in love with her.
JEFFERSON: Yes I am, Echinore.
ECHINORE: There’s no such thing as
love, you know that! You’re
letting your animal nature get the best of you. Now come, your king needs you now.
JEFFERSON: I don’t…I don’t think…
ECHINORE: What are you going to
do? Run back to her? They’ll catch you before you even
reach their castle walls.
JEFFERSON: But I betrayed…
ECHINORE: Her? Jackson, you’re a spy. That’s who you are. And your gallivanting around after lost
damsels is not—
JEFFERSON: Is that who I am? The spy from Cognesia? Maybe I’m the ambassador from
England! Or maybe I’m the
traveling Jester from India! Or
maybe the great conjurer from Magnesia!
Who am I this week, Echinore?
You tell me!
ECHINORE: Now you’re just talking foolishness. You’ve completely lost your senses.
JEFFERSON: (pause) You go on without me.
ECHINORE: (lengthy pause) If this—love, as you call it—can make
a loyal, sensible, intelligent man like you turn his back on his home and blind
him from all that is logical for promises of an entirely unrealistic future… if
this what love is, then I want no part of it. And have you even asked yourself, Citizen, how she could
possibly love you back? If you don’t know who you are, how could she, Mr. Ambassador? (Exits in disgust. JEFFERSON is left onstage.)
SECRECY REPRISE
(JEFFERSON)
Jefferson:
I’ve got a problem hanging over me
Cause I’ve been caught up deep in Secrecy
Now my direction is clouded with depression
And the loyalties I had are now forgotten
My people look to me with anxious eyes
I geuss I made their day, but at the cost of lives.
I had a job to do; I made the choice I thought was true,
But was the path I’ve traveled down the right one?
Don’t rush me, don’t tell me
My entire life I’ve taken orders
I’m sorry if I’m a bad soldier
But when it all comes down to it
That’s really not my problem
I’ve got a thing or two to say to you
But should I risk my life to say it?
It isn’t logical, but I don’t have a doubt
Because I’m overcome by love and so my logic has run out!
I’d give you myself, the stories I hold
But the secrets are stronger, as my problems unfold
I’m going back, my past is through
Goodbye to this place
My future lies with you
(After
song, JEFFERSON is firm in his decision to go back to Delphinia and apologize,
try to make amends. He marches off stage.)
SCENE 3: MINSTREL’S INTERLUDE
MINSTREL:
Now it's all un-folded, watch your
stories crash and burn
The lesson that love brings is one that
you should never learn
They might be a star-crossed pair, but
even Shakespeare knew that fair is
Fair in war and love untrue,
And now they're done for, I am too
SCENE 4: DELPHINIAN COURT
(Minstrel finishes his song, and
fades into the chorus.)
MANSART: (to his
cronies) I
knew that boy was no good.
COURTIER: And he seemed like such
a nice man.
GUARD: (searching
for JEFFERSON) He’ll be sorry when the King gets to
him.
(KARLIM enters, angry
and panicked at having been duped.)
KARLIM: (yells
at MINSTREL)
Stop playing that infernal instrument! Don’t you see that we have more important things to
attend to than your inconsequential ballads?
(to
everyone) We’ve been searching for days now. Why hasn’t anyone come up with some
clue as to where he went?
(MANSART singles out one
guard from the court, walks up to him and starts interrogating him.)
MANSART: You. Guard. Where have you been looking?
GUARD: I’ve
been searching the forest for any kind of tracks.
MANSART: Did you find
anything?
GUARD: No,
nothing at all. The spy must have been well trained in the art of deception by
the Cognesian Intelligence Agency.
GUARD #2: Damn CIA!
MANSART: Enough
babbling! I want that spy here and
I want him now! I want to tell him
how disgusted…
(Military ADVISOR walks
in.)
ADVISOR: It’s no
use, sir. He’s had enough time to
go to Cognesia and back by now. If
we haven’t found him yet, I don’t think we’re going to.
KARLIM: How
could we let him do this to us?
MANSART: It’s only natural
for us to be more trusting than those deceitful Cognesians. Only they would
pull a trick like this.
KARLIM: (upset,
angry, confused) If only I’d
thought of it first. Then we’d be
the ones with their battle plans.
ADVISOR: Actually,
we did think of it first, remember?
Our spy stole their plans, but ran off with the Cognesian princess
before he could deliver them to us.
(Meanwhile, on the other side of the stage, two elderly WOMEN
are talking to each other.)
WOMAN #1: I always thought that
England didn’t sound like a real country.
WOMAN #2: I know. What would you
call the people who lived there, Englandians? It just doesn’t make sense.
WOMAN #1: Exactly what I’ve
always said.
WOMAN #2: They certainly are
putting up quite an effort to find him.
SOLDIER: (rushes
across stage, accidentally bumping into woman #2) Excuse me.
WOMAN #1: He must have stolen
something pretty valuable.
WOMAN #2: Yes, but no one’s
saying anything about what it is.
(CELESTE enters)
CELESTE: Have
they found him yet?
KARLIM: No
dear, they haven’t, but it’s going to be all right. We’ll work something out. We always have.
STUDLEY: (disinterestedly,
from afar)
There, there.
(MESSENGER runs in,
panting.)
MESSENGER: (to KING) We’ve found the spy. He was running towards the main gate.
MANSART: Towards?
(Two guards drag a
bruised JEFFERSON in.)
KARLIM: You
have betrayed my trust and you have dishonored yourself. Look at what you have done to my
daughter. With this act Cognesia
has descended to the lowest levels, so do not think that I will show you any
mercy.
JEFFERSON: Wait! Let me explain!
MANSART: We’ve heard
enough!
KARLIM: Take
him to the dungeon!
MANSART: We will
contemplate his fate!
JEFFERSON: But, your Majesty…
(Guards drag spy out.
CELESTE and JEFFERSON exchange glances.)
SCENE 5: DUNGEON
(Dark, quiet, eerie.
JEFFERSON is shackled to the wall.
Soon, CELESTE enters.)
JEFFERSON: Who’s that?
CELESTE: Don’t worry, I’m not here to torture you.
JEFFERSON: Celeste?
CELESTE: Not that you don’t deserve a few hours on the rack.
JEFFERSON: Celeste?
CELESTE: (sauntering towards him, pissed off) Who are you?
JEFFERSON: Celeste, I…
CELESTE: Who are you? I think I deserve to know.
JEFFERSON: I…
CELESTE: Don’t you think so?
JEFFERSON: Celeste, please. (Silence. CELESTE awaits her answer, JEFFERSON
sighs; he’s trying to wait her out)
CELESTE: Hmmm?
JEFFERSON: I’m not who I said I was.
CELESTE: