Scene 1.1 Harvard Yard
(Speaking: Interviewer, Vicky, Steve, Upperclassman, Pudding Member, John, Followers. Chorus Sings & Dances.)
(An interviewer is seated in a chair. We see segments of her separate conversations with Vicky and Steve.)
Interviewer: (Straightforward) What, may I ask, prompted you to apply to Harvard?
Vicky: (sincere) I fell in love with Harvard the minute I opened the pages of the viewbook. I couldn't help but be attracted to a school that is such an educational cornucopia and provides its students with such an array of opportunities that . . .
Steve: . . . (full of BS) seemed so superabundant and the community so diverse
and so vibrant! (Interviewer freezes while Vicky and Steve address the audience.)
Vicky: Not to mention the fact that itıs about the best school in the country. I've worked hard. I deserve the best.
Steve: And of course if my darling sister went and I didn't she'd never let me forget it.
Interviewer: (unfreezes) Oh, so you have visited our campus?
Steve: Yes I have, five times in fact! Vicky always needed "one more look" (to audience) and Vicky always gets what Vicky wants.
Vicky: And each time was better than the last, especially the sixth time when my brother stayed behind and I was able to experience the independence of college life.
Interviewer: That's right; your brother's applying too. How cute.
Vicky: Yes isn't it? (rolls eyes while interviewer is looking at notes)
Interviewer: It appears that you've been very busy during your high school career. It says here that
Vicky: (over eager) The thespian society has been especially important to meI've been president three years running.
Steve: and I was also president of the Thespian Society. (Interviewer looks confused by the conflict)
Twins: (unenthusiastically) Co-president.
Steve: Yes, I've been involved in theater most of my life. It all began at the innocent age of five when I played Jesus in the Christmas pageant.
Vicky: (modestly) I was God.
Steve: (at Vicky) THERE IS NO GOD! . . . (sits down embarrassed after his outburst) in that particular show. Well, like I said, I love the theater and I can't wait to invade the Harvard dramatic scene.
Interviewer: Well you should definitely look into the Tasty Pudding Theatricals. I know the student who's directing this year. Just be prepared to wear some clothing from . . . how should I say . . . the opposite side of the gender line. (Interviewer winks and begins to chuckle; Steve joins in.)
Vicky: (begins laughing with them) Oh Steve wouldn't mind that! Ask our mother. He likes wearing pantyhose. (Steve freezes in shock as the laughter continues.)
Interviewer: How is your relationship with your brother? I imagine there must be some rivalry between two such intelligent and talented siblings.
Vicky: Rivalry? I love my brother. I can remember the days when I had to defend him on the playground. Steve couldn't help that he ³wet² himself occasionally. Kids can be so cruel. It wasn't easy for him to be the only child in seventh grade with bladder issues.
Steve: It was very noble of Vicky to take her SATs a third time. Third timeıs the charm, right? There was a lot of pressure on her considering I got a 1600.
Vicky: (smug) I got a 3200.
Steve: Math was never her strong point. Sometimes I think she's a little insecure. She reads too many of those studies where one twin is naturally smarter than their sibling. (Feigned concern) Did you know that when we were born the doctors thought Vicky might have brain damage?
Vicky: And then they realized they'd switched our X-rays.
Steve: Vicky has always been more of a right brained person than I am . . .
Vicky: I love creativity as much as the next person but Steve can get carried away sometimes, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but he is definitely prone to stretch, exaggerate, bend, and deny the truth. But the word LIAR sounds so harsh, so my parents always tell him he has an ³active imagination.²
Steve: . . . and while I can appreciate her practicality I just can't be so straight and narrow. (Modest) I've always had an "active imagination.²
Vicky: (whispering) Liar. (At this point the interviewer has disappeared from the picture and the siblings quarrel continues . . .)
Not to be Outdone
Steve: We've grown up together
Vicky: Our childhoods shared
Both: It's great to have a twin.
Vicky: In interests,
Steve: aspirations
Both: in everything paired
What a LONG eighteen years it's been!
Steve:
In everything Iıve ever tried
Ever set my mind to do
Sheıs gone through fits of jealousy
And had to do them too
Itıs sad that she canıt just accept
Her inferiority
Her stubbornness denies the fact
That she canıt be like me.
Vicky:
Throughout his youth, heıs had to coast
Off my success and my fame
He would be a failure but
He shares my family name.
Heıs arrogant, Iıll grant him that
But itıs all unwarranted
His few minor accomplishments
Have gotten to his head.
Both:
Our bickering fraternal competition
Was at first kinda neat--kinda fun
But now it seems, our only goal in life
Is not to be outdone.
Not to be outdone by YOU . . .
Upperclassmen: You look like a couple of wide-eyed, innocent freshmen setting foot in Harvard Yard for the first time. Itıs a sunny daygo and enjoy the Activities Fair. Take a look at Harvardıs extracurricular offerings and see what interests you.
Vicky: Look, Steve, itıs the Harvard Couch Potato Society. Just perfect for you.
Steve: I was thinking Iıd check out the Organization for Superior Twins first.
Upperclassmen: Oh, you two will fit in perfectly.
Everybody hereıs a masochist
Bragging ıbout his chosen strife.
Put your name on every list
And sign away your life.
Itıs a perfect opportunity
To put your quarrel to the test;
Overschedule all you like
And see who comes out best.
(To audience)
Watch them in their vengeful competition
Theyıre consumed by their arrogance and pride
They can fight and battle all they like
Let us step aside
Chorus: Not to be outdone, etc., repeat . . .
(Vicky & Steve wander through the fair. Finally they reach a booth with a large sign proclaiming, ³Tasty Pudding Theatricals. This Year: Twelfth Night, the Musical.²)
Pudding Member: Youıve got a nice pair of lungs on you, boy. And your legs arenıt bad either.
Steve: Why thank you, ah . . . maıam.
Vicky: Him? You thought his voice was . . .
Pudding Member: If you could just hold on one second, little girl. Whatıs your name, sir?
Steve: Steve.
Pudding Member: Steve, have you ever wanted to be a star?
With a miniskirt and long blond wig
You could be a sexy babe
And with a voice like what youıve got
You could own the stage
When the spotlight shines and music plays
The Tasty Pudding Drag Revue
Is the hit of Harvard Yard
And may be starring you.
Both:
Our bickering fraternal competition
Was at first kinda neat--kinda fun
But now it seems, our only goal in life
Is not to be outdone.
Not to be outdone by YOU . . .
Vicky: (to Pudding Member) Hey, sign me up, too.
Pudding Member: Sorry, men only. (Vicky looks dejected.) But look on the bright side. Your brotherıs going to be a big star!
Chorus: Not to be outdone, etc., repeat . . .
(As the song finishes, everyone carries Steve offstage, leaving Vicky alone in the Yard, sad and depressed. John enters. Dramatically.)
John: Your aura is in turmoil, Vicky. Your vibes of anxiety resonate throughout the Yard.
Vicky: John? Where did you find that getup?
John: The K-Mart Guru Collection. It was a blue light special.
Vicky: You never dressed like that in high school. Is this all about that weird retreat you took this summer?
John: Yes. I went to the strange, distant land of Wisconsin and studied the teachings of the Monks of the High Order of Goïninsani. I learned their ways of peace and enlightenment and have come to share them with the rest of the commercial, self-absorbed, pop-culture-obsessed West. But this is not why I come to you. Your inner being has been crying out for help.
Vicky: Huh?
John: Vicky, what troubles you?
Vicky: Oh, itıs nothing.
John: Vicky, how long have our two paths have been conjoined in the bonds of friendship?
Vicky: (Reluctantly.) Since kindergarten.
John: And lo, after all these 13 years, Vicky, you think you can deceive me?
Vicky: No . . . I mean yes . . . no . . . well, I mean(breaks down) Oh, John! (Vicky runs to John and hugs him.) It's just . . . this Tasty Pudding thing and this Steve thing and this twin thing and this competition thing and . . . I need to get into the play!
John: But you are an actress of high esteem. Surely the cosmos will grant you at least one role in any Harvard play.
Vicky: (grudgingly) Not the one I want. Not the Tasty Pudding.
John: This play concerns the Annenberg?
Vicky: No, Tasty Pudding.
John: Oh, not about Annenberg. (Pause; he looks down solemnly and shakes his head.) But do not be troubled, Vicky. Come, be at peace with us, and allow the mystical whole to be complete. (Closes eyes, enters deep meditation.)
Vicky: (Leans toward John as if to join him in meditation, then suddenly breaks him out of it.) Look, Confucius, you don't understand: (very slowly, as though John is a five year old) I'm a girl.
John: Oh, I understand. That is indeed a most unfortunate plight. (thoughtfully) But you see, Vicky, ruling a large kingdom is like cooking a small fish. To know internal harmony is to
Vicky: John, I am trying to be patient. The heavens will not grant me a role because the Tasty Pudding Club is a bunch of male chauvinist pigs that can't get any play and so they prance around in drag to arouse each other.
John: Hmm . . . I'm not sure I understand the incredible appeal of this club. They perform a production which interests you?
Vicky: Well, they're doing Twelfth Night, the musical. But it's not that so much . . .
John: You are attracted to men in female costume?
Vicky: (insulted) John! And you should not be one to talk about people's dressing habits.
John: (Also insulted, looks in dismay at his outfit. After a pause, returns.) What then fuels your desire to join this group?
Vicky: Well, I (stammers without an answer)
John: (cutting in) Aha! Steve is behind this!
Vicky: No. Of course not. Itıs not his fault that he can get into the Pudding show and I canıt.
John: I sense a wounded ego.
Vicky: It's hopeless. I'm destined to always be second best. (Thoughtfully) Maybe I would've fit in better at Yale.
John: No, no, Vicky. Better death than Yale. The solution is clear. Why don't you . . . just dress up like a guy? (Lights come up & heavenly "Ahh" sound plays in background. As Vicky stares off into space in shock, music begins to play. She cuts it off.)
Vicky: You have got to be kidding. I don't care if you have discovered enlightenment, that plan is just stupid.
John: Sometimes, brilliance is subtlety.
Vicky: That is charmingly profound. But, unfortunately, it doesn't apply to us. There is nothing subtle about turning my freshman year at Harvard into Vaudeville a drag show. There's no way I could ever pull it off.
John: Just consider for one second. You are a single soldier setting out to infiltrate the most highly visible and respected organization on campus. If you fail, you donıt get to do the show and there is no damage done.
Vicky: Except for my mortification.
John: But if you succeed . . .
Vicky: Oh, sure, like I'll succeed in this!
John: If you succeed, you will break century-old traditions. You will achieve what no woman before you has done. Think about it. You will be an iconoclastic rebel who will go down in Harvard lore. You will be a famous figure in the annals of Harvard history. Iıd like to see Steve compete with that.
Vicky: Oh, this is ludicIt canıt be possibDAMN, you know me too well.
John: But if you are to succeed, you will have to learn. There is much more to being a guy than simply appearance.
Vicky: Wellmaybe you could teach me?
John: (thoughtfully) Hmmmm . . . But where do I begin? I must admit, the task before us is not an easy one. Perhaps I will need assistance. (Snaps fingers. Four guy followers run on.)
Vicky: Who are these guys? Your back-up singers?
John: Theyıre my followers. (aside) Crimson Key rejects.
Vicky: What are they going to do?
John: Teach you how to walk like a man.
Vicky: They donıt seem too manly to me.
John: Weıll see. (Snaps fingers. Points.) You! Show Vicky how to walk as a man. (Follower 1 begins to walk down the stage as if on a runway. He walks in a particularly macho style.)
John: Work it. (Remaining followers chat ³Work it.²) Watch carefully, Vicky. You will be imitating them. (Follower1 finishes the walk. John snaps his fingers. Points. Follower2 steps forward.) You! Show Vicky how men make grotesque bodily noises. (Follower2 puts his hand underneath his armpit and makes the sound.)
Vicky: Youıre not going to make me do that, are you? I donıt even fart! (John and followers hang heads in dismay.)
John: You donıt know what youıre missing. (Follower2 steps back. John snaps his fingers, points, and Follower3 steps forward.) You! Show Vicky--Do not move until I tell you to! Go back!--Show Vicky that we men are in touch with our most primal selves. Express the caveman. (Follower3 lets out a wild, ape-like yelp and pounds his chest.)
Vicky: (Puts her hands to her chest.) Thatıs gonna hurt.
John: (Follower3 stops.) And now to show you the ultimate in manliness-- (Snaps his fingers. Follower4 skips out to center stage. Humiliated, John relinquishes.) Oh, never mind. (Follower4, embarrassed, returns to the follower line-up.) I do not let him out much.
Vicky: I donıt think this is helping, John.
John: Now, it is your turn, Vicky. Walk like a man. (Vicky walks down the stage in a clumsy, awkward manner.) No, no, no. We must orient you first. (Vicky sits on a bench.) Your back is too straight. Roll your shoulders. (Followers chant ³shoulders.²) Your legs are all wrong. Part them.
Vicky: This far?
John: Oh no, much farther. Pretend you have a bowling ball between your legs. (She parts her legs. Followers chant: ³bowling ball.²) That is more like it. Now your hands. (Followers chant ³hands.²) Drop them to your sides. Do not cross your hands, and never speak with them.
Vicky: (Delivers this line by using exaggerated hand expressions.) But, John, how can I possibly do that?
John: Self-control, Vicky. Be master of your domain. (Chant: Domain. She resigns her hands.) Now for your head. Hold it high. You are full of macho fever and spirit. With your hair pulled back, Vicky, you will be the perfect man. Now rise, flex your testerone-pumped muscle. (Vicky rises, trying to hold a macho stance. John looks up her entire body.) The feet, the legs, yes, the hands, shoulders . . . oh. What do we do about the . . . Well, I canıt say. (Vicky crosses her arms in frustration.) Yes, that will work.
Vicky: Oh, John! Iım never going to get this!
John: Perhaps it would be wise to first consult the Sage for guidance.
Vicky: Oh, great. What sage?
John: Dave Barry. Who else?
Vicky: (rolls eyes) Of course.
John: (holds out hand) The book, please? (Follower hands him Guide to Guys, John puts on glasses and begins to read. Music begins.) Ah, let us start here. We discuss the fundamental nature of guyness.
Walk Like a Man
Followers: (barbershop quartet style)
When you're a guy
Don't waste your time
With laundry or manners
Or interior design
Despite your flawed anatomy
We're sure that youıll be fine
You've only got your dignity to lose.
John: (speak-sings)
You'll be following in a grand tradition
of noogies and scratching and farting around
Why, guys go back all the way
To that original ape who let out
(Music stops. John signals Follower(s) to come forward.)
Follower: Ape sound
John: Let me expound . . .
For it lies within the core of Grand Virtue
To follow this and follow this alone [Followers: Follow this]
Yet this nature is elusive and evasive
Much like your cordless touch-tone telephone. [Find the phone]
Followers: (sung) Cordless telephone.
John:
But one cannot enter without using the door [Knock, Knock, Knock]
And so you must learn to approach the way
So clear your mindbe an empty bowl
And follow what I say.
[John knows the way, he knows the way]
Now let me test you Vicky. Imagine you're a guy:
There's a bowl of Tostitos, its bottom is bare
The onion dip, half full, nearby on a chair.
Vicky: Do I refill the chip bowl?
John: No, no, no. Does not everything have a purpose? Why then do you think we have fingers? Do not struggle against your fundamental nature. (Followers lick their fingers in demonstration)
Vicky: I shouldn't even use a spoon?
John: A spoon?!? Are you suggesting getting up off the couch? Ok, we'll try again.
You awake in the morning, once again late for class
You've run out of underwear; what else will pass?
Vicky: I ask my roommate for a pair?
John: (appalled, suddenly Out-of-Character) What?!? Share underwear with a roommate? Vicky, do girls DO that? You're sick. One keeps one's underwear to oneself. A true guy must go Commando. [Swinging Free]
Vicky: Won't that be uncomfortable?
John: Not half as bad as doing laundry. If you have washed and cleaned your inner vision, there is no need to cleanse your outer soil. And besides, chicks do laundry. All right, we'll try one more, Vicky. When is it all right to hug another guy?
Vicky: Ummmm. . . Maybe if he's really upset and you want to cheer him up? (John, head in hands, shakes his head in hopelessness. She tries again) Never?
John: Well, I think there is one exception.
Let's say you are eating at Annenberg, General Wong's chicken is sticky
You're using your fingers, so cutting it's tricky
Bob takes a big bite, has some bread too
With a swig of fro yo, it all turns to glue.
It gets halfway down, that's as far as it goes.
You find this so funny, you laugh milk out your nose.
But he makes muffled noises, and you think he might choke
And to tell the truth, you feel bad for the bloke.
His face going bluish, you make a lightning decision
Knowing the Heimlich, you assume the position
With your arms wrapped around him, you may force the food out
But at the same time, be sure to shout:
³I am not aroused! I am not having fun!
If he passes out, someone call 911!²
Followers: (sung)
When you're a guy
Don't waste your time
With laundry or manners
Or interior design
Despite your flawed anatomy
We're sure that youıll be fine
You've only got your dignity to lose.
(Repeat)
John: I think you're getting it. You're really beginning to understand the essence of the male mind; realizing what's going on deep down inside. Vicky? (She is staring at nothing.)
Vicky: What?
John: (admiringly) Wow! You're better than I thought!
Scene 1.2 At the Tasty Pudding
(Speaking: Steve, David, Stage Manager, Vince, Tess, various Pudding Cast. Chorus sings.)
We are at the Tasty Pudding for the first time. David enters and delivers his opening line to the audience as if the people auditioning were there. Throughout auditions, each person being auditioned stands in center stage with a spotlight on them.
David: Okay, people! Welcome to the Tasty pudding auditions. Iım the director, David. Iıll be sitting over there with the stage manager. Weıre going to bring you out one by one and weıll go from there. If I like you, Iıll tell you to stay for the introductory cast meeting afterward. (Claps and the lights go out. He joins the Stage Manager, seated stage left.) Number One! (Steve enters.)
Steve: Of course Iım number one. Hi. My name is Steve. Remember that name. For this audition, Iıd like to point out my exquisite masculinity. (Flexes arm.) Iıve been working on my biceps
David: Youıre perfect!
Steve: I know that.
David: You have the perfect body for Viola!
Steve: What?
David: Youıll look great in a dress! Go back and wait for the intro meeting. Number Two! (Lights out, Sheepboy enters, spotlight.)
Sheepboy: (Terribly geeky and nervous.) Uh, huh, h-h-hi. Is it okay I don'tı have a m-m-monologue?
David: Well, youıve got to say something.
Sheepboy: Please, donıt yell at me!
David: (Gets up.) What? Iım not yelling at you.
Sheepboy: Yes you are! Youıre mad at me.
David: (Shouting.) Iım not yelling at you!
Sheepboy: (Bursts into obnoxious, baby tears.) Stop shouting!
David: (Shouting over Sheepboy.) Next! (Blackout. Sheepboy exits; 02Guy enters.)
David: Next! Number Three!
02Guy: Sorry Iım late. I just got back from the Hong Kong.
David: Well, have you got a monologue?
02Guy: No, but I do have a song I can sing.
David: What?
02Guy: Pseudointellectual!
David: That was last year! Next! (Blackout. 02Guy exits, Sheepboy returns.)
Sheepboy: (Cries hysterically.)
David: For the love of God. (Blackout. Sheepboy exits.) Number Five!
Stage Manager: Five, Six, Seven, and Eight. (Followers enter.)
David: Theyıre a group?
Geoff: Iım Sticky Rice.
Howard: I'm Basmati Rice
Alex: Iım Pilaf.
Eli: Iım Uncle Benıs.
All 4: Weıre the Rice Girls. Rice Power!
David: Next! Weıre never going to find someone to play Sebastian!
Stage Manager: Donıt worry. Number Nine has promise. (Veggieman enters.)
Veggieman: (Dressed in a tomato outfit.) Hi.
David: Youıve got to be kidding. (Blackout. Veggieman exits.) We need to find a Sebastian. Next! (DarthVader enters.)
DarthVader: Viola, I am your brother.
David: Next! Iım desperate! (Lights out. DarthVader exits; Vince enters.)
Vince: What halogen light through yonder dorm window breaks?
David: Yes, youıre it!
Vince: (Sounding like Vicky.) Iım what? (Corrects herself.) What?
David: Youıre Sebastian. Hands down. Iıve seen too much today.
Vince: Thanks.
David: Stick around for the introductory meeting.
(Blackout. When lights come up, the stage is filled with Pudding cast waiting for the introductory meeting. David and the Stage Manager begin talking and start to walk across the stage when Steve interrupts them.)
David: (to Stage Manager) And you will have photocopies of the final schedule ready by Wednesday?
Steve: Oh, you're the director right? David? Hi, I'm Steve.
David: (Dismissively) Nice to meet you. (to Stage Manager) Now, you have my note cards with everything I need to say.
Stage Manager: Right here.
David: Anything I should know?
Stage Manager: It's all self-explanatory.
Steve: I wanted to introduce myself because we haven't officially met yet, and I figured you would want to know who I was.
David: (Again dismissively) How considerate. (Flipping through cards) So, this section is the plot details and this is . . .
Stage Manager: Those are notes about preliminary scheduling.
David: Oh, perfect.
Steve: And, I should tell you early that I have some talents that you might really want to take advantage of in our show.
David: (to Stage Manager) Are we ready to get started with this meeting? I have to rush out as soon as it ends.
Steve: For one thing, I can whistle Beethoven's 9th perfectly.
David: (to Steve) Really? I have a meeting with the premed society to discuss keynote speakers for the upcoming semester, and I really can't miss it. But this meeting should be quick so there shouldn't be a problem, right?
Steve: I can also do anything from the Guns and Roses collection if you have any personal favorites.
David: Maybe we can discuss this later.
Steve: Oh, sure. I'll remind you later if you forget. (Steve resumes his place with the rest of the awaiting cast.)
David: Wonderful. (As he walks away from Steve.) Who does he play in our show?
Stage Manager: Steve is our Viola. The star.
David: Well, see how many of her lines you can give to other characters. He's really annoying.
Stage Manager: I'll see what I can do. (David walks onto some sort of platform and stands above the members of the cast. They continue talking even more loudly.)
David: Can everyone settle down please? (No reaction.) Come on, we need to get
started here. (No reaction) SIT DOWN! (Shouts. They continue talking without noticing him. Stage Manager enters, blows on a whistle, and the entire cast drops on their knees, silent.)
Stage Manager: (To David) What would you do without me?
David: All right. Welcome, each and every one of you, to our musical production of Shakespeareıs Twelfth Night. Today you stand on the heralded stage of the legendary Tasty Pudding. Revered in our time and in generations past as a true accomplishment of gaudy performances and bad taste that can rival the likes of Euro-Disney and the Spice Girls, we have quite a reputation to uphold. Typically, our first meeting would consist of long introductions involving what the Pudding is all about and how you all fit in as our present cast. But, I am on an incredibly tight schedule tonight, so I'm going to end it here, and you can get anything else you need to know from our website www.uglybeardedwoman.com.
Amanda: Where? What do I do?
Pudding Member: What do I do in my part?
Penelope: Why are all the women backstage? (ensemble erupts into questions, surrounding David)
David: (shouts) SILENCE PLEBEIANS!!!!
David's Song:
We're the pinnacle of tasteless humor for the masses
Grizzled old alumni and Fresh new Harvard lasses
Pack the house and laugh at every gag
That's the appeal of drag.
We're a daring combination of Harvard boys and dresses
A challenge to the image that this stuffy school professes
Blah blah blah-blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
We might be childish
Slightly immature
But we've got the sex appeal
That men aspire for.
When the Tasty Pudding comes to Holyoke Street.
It's the big day
That we make way
For Broadway in Harvard Square
When you're acting for the pudding, leave behind your manners
Modesty is not a trait to which this artist panders
Put aside your gentlemanly ways while in our show
You must focus your libido on every single line
Each word has been written to be sexually inclined
- - -
Our jokes .
We strive to offend
>From the starting number
To the very end
When the Tasty Pudding comes to Holyoke Street
It's the big day
That we make way
For Broadway in Harvard Square
We're the pinnacle of tasteless humor for the masses
Grizzled old alumni and Fresh new Harvard lasses
Pack the house and laugh at every gag
That's the appeal of drag.
We're a daring combination of Harvard boys and dresses
A challenge to the image that this stuffy school professes
Blah blah blah-blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.
We might be childish
Slightly immature
But we've got the sex appeal
That men aspire for.
When the Tasty Pudding comes to Holyoke Street.
It's Broadway
Just like Broadway
We've got Broadway here in Harvard Square
Vince: You didn't explain my part.
David: Oh, sorry. You're Vince, right?
Vince: Yeah. I play Sebastian.
David: Oh, yes, yes, I forgot to mention that. You come in at the end and
begin confusing everyone because they mistake you for your twin Viola. But then, in the last scene, you finally come face to face with your twin and all is revealed.
Vince: Will we be rehearsing the last scene . . . soon?
David: The way things are going, it might be dress rehearsal before we get to it. Vince, have you seen you before?
Vince: Well, you did audition me.
David: No, no, sometime before that. Say, do you live in Wigglesworth? My
girlfriend Tess lives in G.
Vince: Tess! Oh! No, no! I live far away in . . . Pennypacker!
David: I'd love to introduce you to her. She was supposed to be at the meeting,
but I don't know what happened. Must have been something important.
Vince: Wait, aren't you a junior?
David: Yeah, but Tess and I were high school sweethearts, and we managed to keep the relationship going even when I left for college. Sheıs a freshman now, but she's a little uncomfortable with her roommates. There's one strange girl named Malvolia and then there's another one . . . what's her nameVick(Tess enters and Vince notices right away.)
Tess: (Calling out, looking for David.) David! David? (Surprised, Vince exits immediately. Tess sees David.)
David: Vince? . . . Oh, Tess . . . Nice of you to show up.
Tess: David! I'm so sorry I'm late! But I was on my way back from tutoring in south Boston and there was this protest going on in the Square for
David: (hurt) You missed my first meeting.
Tess: I'm sorry honey, but to be part of this movement to protect the llamas in Mali from extinction-
David: (without meaning it) Oh. That sounds interesting. So you freed the Mali llamas. Productive evening. I guess it's hard for my little show to compete with that.
Tess: I said I was sorry. Anyway, while I was there, I met the founder of a really great animal rights organiz
David: Tess! Arenıt you even going to ask how it went?
Tess: How what went?
David: The meeting!
Tess: Well? How did it go?
Stage Manager: (Entering, with whip in hand.) David, what was this doing backstage?
David: Hey, Bea, I donıt think the two of you have met. Tess, this is our stage manager, Bea Chee. Bea, this is my girlfriend, Tess.
Stage Manager: (To Tess) Want a whip?
David: Weıve been dating since high school.
Stage Manager: Iım so happy for you.
Tess: My sentiments exactly.
David: Oh, really? Thatıs how you feel?
Stage Manager: Oh, God. I give up. (Lashes whip, exits.)
Tess: Anyway, as I was trying to tell you, Iım not sure if I can be as involved in your show as I thought I would be.
David: What? You promised to tech!
Tess: Yeah, well, I was planning on doing it, but then I heard about all these other things going on, and you know, an application here, an interview there, and well, Iım sort of busy now.
David: Donıt be ridiculous. Youıve been wanting to do this show for years.
Tess: Well, thatıs what I thought. But today I was talking to the founder of this great movement. And Iıve decided I want to join the COOP.
David: Youıre ditching me to work at the Harvard Coop?
Tess: No, no. The Chicken COOP.
David: Huh?
Tess: The Chicken Coalition Opposing Oppression of Poultry.
David: Oppression of poultry? Whoıs persecuting chickens?
Tess: Everyone! Did you know that 20 million pounds of chicken are served in college dining halls every year? 19 million of which is eaten right here in Annenberg!
David: Why the hell wouldnıt we want to eat chickens? What else could we do with them?
Tess: We could love them.
David: Some would claim that you can love chickens and still eat them. Hell, I love chicken. All styles of Chicken. Chicken tenders, chicken nuggets, chicken wings
Tess: (Covers her ears.) Ugh! Stop! Thatıs terrible! I canıt believe you!
David: What? Itıs just a stupid chicken movement.
Tess: Just a stupid chicken movement? What are you talking about? This is important to me!
David: Well, donıt you think the Tasty Pudding show is important to me?
Tess: Of course.
David: Then why donıt you act like it? All Iıve heard since you got here is chickens, chickens, chickens. What the cluck do you want from me?
Tess: Thatıs not funny!
David: (Imitates chickens, flaps arms as if they were wings.) Bawk! Bawk! Bawk!
Tess: Stop it! Stop it! All you care about is your stupid drag show! There's a noble vision for you.
David: What do you mean by that?
Tess: 30 rich college boys prancing around in dresses? That's going to change the world.
David: As opposed to 30 rich college kids protesting chicken consumption?
Tess: What happened to you? The David I remember cared more about the people in his life than his stupid play.
David: (heated) Well, the Tess I remember cared more about her relationships than the meat section at the supermarket.
Tess: (more heated) Well, maybe I've changed!
David: (heated, then tense) Yes, you have changed! I don't know you anymore. This movement--your whole personality--it's--ridiculous.
Tess: (quiet & angry) Well, at least I had a personality to change.
(awkward, slightly stunned pause.)
David: (quietly again) If you don't like me as I am, then I guess you can just--just--call it off!
Tess: Fine! Then it's over.
David: It's over. (They exit opposite sides of the stage.)
Blackout.
1.3 The Dorm Room
(Speaking: Malvolia, Vicky, Tess, Steve, David, John, Followers. Malvoliaıs Pips sing.)
(The scene is set as a bedroom in a freshman dorm. It will be a Wigg-like setup that shows the common room and has a door to one or two bedrooms as well as one that exits the dorm room. In the center of the room is a desk with piles of garbage on it. Sneaky music begins.)
The Roommate from HELL
Malvolia:
Iım that evil prying roommate . . . from HELL
Who goes through all your personal belongings
Who'll read your private letters if you don't watch me well
I'm that roommate
>From Hell
Desk drawers are treasure chests of secrets
And purses reveal gossip galore
Iıll peruse the lurid details
Of your lifeıs secrecy
and still want more
I think I have got the right to sift through their possessions
To learn the facts that I can learn about those in my suite
I don't trust my roommates, even a tiny little bit
Because I know how evil roommates can be
Iım that evil prying roommate from Hell
Who plans to torture my unfortunate companions
They will live to curse the day
When they were picked to dwell
With the roommate from HELL.
They will live to curse the day when they were picked to dwell
With . . . Malvolia . . . the roommate from hell (repeat)
(Malvolia is in the room still, but Tess goes over to Vicky so that the two of them can talk semi-privately.)
Tess: Should we do something about that desk?
Vicky: Yeah, I'm not crazy about the way she just stuck it in the middle of the room without asking.
Tess: It looks like a shrine to garbage.
Vicky: Yes, our own personal offering to the landfill goddess. (laugh)
Tess: (Bows down.) How can someone collect that much junk in a week?
Vicky: I donıt know. This girl is clearly an exceptional talent.
Tess: Oh, clearly. (laugh) Well, I guess we shouldn't judge her right away. We havenıt been here long. Maybe she'll be fine once she just gets . . . adjusted.
Vicky: (Very obviously not enthusiastic about this) Maybe.
Tess: God, I hope so.
Vicky: Well, she's definitely unique.
Tess: That she is.
Vicky: Do you smell something?
(Tess indicates that she does. Malvolia sweeps into the room, spraying perfume; both gag.)
Malvolia: Well, ladies, Iım glad you agree with my sense of interior design. I assumed you would appreciate it, so I took it upon myself to reorganize your rooms as well.
Tess: You what ? (Begins to run over to her room while Vicky clearly becomes upset as well)
Malvolia: Ha. Take a joke; you canıt be so sensitive and uptight. I made sure to put everything in your rooms back exactly where I found them, so you donıt have to worry. (She laughs as she squirts the perfume bottle into the girls faces.)
Tess: (Gasping) I'm going to go out for some fresh air
Vicky: Me too! (Both exit. The second they are both out of the room, Malvolia gets up and moves nonchalantly over to Tessı computer and begins looking around on it.)
Malvolia: (Responding to various items of Tess's email.) Hmm. Ooh! Wow whoa! Oh, how DREADFUL! (Tess reenters, visually relieved due to the fresh air. She sees Malvolia.)
Tess: (Reacting somewhat viscerally.) What the hellget off my computer! (Malvolia immediately gets up and sidles over to Vicky's computer. Vicky walks in.)
Vicky: (Similar reaction.) What the hellget off my computer! (Malvolia sighs and goes back to her own desk. All three are now sitting at their own desks; Vicky and Tess immediately start reacting to the smell again. Vicky lets out a gasp. Tess, grabbing her throat, reaches for a book on her desk.)
Tess: Hey Vicky! Let's play catch with my diary!
Vicky: (Looking at Tess like she's crazy.) What?! (Tess throws the diary offstage. Malvolia pauses for a second, takes one step towards where the diary was thrown, stops and then runs after it like a dog fetching a stick.) Ohhh.
Tess: I'm good.
Vicky: Okay, so she's a smelly spy. We could have done worse.
Tess: Like how?
Vicky: Like two of her. (Tess grunts.) I'm afraid to go do my laundry now, and leave her here with my stuff.
Tess: Don't worry about it I'll stay here till you get back.
Vicky: Thanks. (Vicky grabs her laundry & detergent and exits. Malvolia reenters, carrying the "diary² and disappointedly drops it on the floor.)
Malvolia: Hello again.
Tess: Hi, um, Moldovia.
Malvolia: Malvolia.
Tess: Right. That's quite an . . . interesting name. In a good way. I mean I like it.
Malvolia: Then why can't you pronounce it?
Tess: Um, well. I thought it was a pretty good name, but I didn't know the right name, and once you mentioned to me what it really was, I realized that I absolutely love it . . .
Malvolia: Well it beats "Tess!"
Tess: (Awkward pause.) . . . Yes, I suppose it does. (Rolls eyes.) So, um, Maleficent
Malvolia: Malvolia.
Tess: Can I call you Mally?
Malvolia: I prefer my full name. My parents named me Malvolia for a reason, and they didn't want it butchered or they wouldn't have chosen it.
Tess: Ahh.
Malvolia: You were going to ask me something? (Knock on door.)
Tess: (Glad to be saved from this conversation.) I'll get it! (Steve enters. As soon as Tess turns her back, Malvolia is back at Tess's computer.) Hi!
Steve: Is Vicky in?
Tess: No. But, PLEASE come in anyway.
Steve: With such an urgent invitation from a beautiful girl like you, I donıt know how I could resist.
Tess: Oh, I have an ulterior motive for inviting you in.
Steve: Wow, you college girls really do move quickly. Donıt you think we should at least exchange names first?
Tess: Iım so sorry. How silly of me. Iım Tess.
Steve: Iım Steve. Vickyıs brother. Twin brother.
Tess: Oh, very nice to meet you. (Awkward pause.)
Steve: Now, do we just go straight to the ³ulterior motive² or how do you want to do this.
Tess: Oh, silly me. I almost forgot. Hereıs the deal. My roommate and I are here all alone and . . .
Steve: (Sees Malvolia) Oh, hold on. Iım really not into that. I mean, you seem very sweet and all, and youıre very pretty. But she looks sort of scary.
Tess: I donıt have a choice. She refuses to leave.
Steve: If you want, I can just leave and come back later.
Tess: No, you canıt. If you leave, it will just be me and her. Thatıs why I need you here. Sheıs so annoying.
Steve: You and your roommates have a really strange relationship.
Malvolia: (Walks over to them and overhears Tess referring to her) You bet we have a strange relationship. This girl hasnıt even bothered to learn my name yet. She and her little friend canıt even pronounce ³Malvolia² properly. They just sit around here, whispering about me behind my back thinking that I wonıt notice. Well, let me tell you, I notice.
Steve: Umm, nice to meet you to Mongolia.
Malvolia: Not Mongolia! My name is
Tess: (cutting her off) Thank you. Why donıt you go clean off your desk and leave us alone?
Malvolia: No. I think Iıd rather stay and talk with our little guest. So, where do you live?
Steve: Iım sorry; I prefer not to give my address out to potential sociopaths. You understand, just a general policy of mine.
Malvolia: Oh, I see. Youıve got an attitude too. Everybody here has an attitude problem. Well, I donıt need to put up with any of you. (She stomps off)
Tess: You see what I mean? Do you see why I need somebody here with me? I just canıt stand to be alone with that girl.
Steve: Uh. Iım going to go out on a limb here. That ³ulterior motive,² you werenıt propositioning me, were you?
Tess: Propositioning you? What?
Steve: Ok, that sounds like a no.
Tess: Absolutely not. Are you kidding?
Steve: Iım just clearing up any confusion that may or may not have existed.
Tess: You pig.
Steve: Oh, donıt be silly. Itıs a joke, sort of.
Tess: The thoughts that you men have running through your heads. Itıs sickening. Itıs despicable.
Steve: Itıs kind of funny.
Tess: Ugh. (Sarcastically) Sure . . . let me guess, thatıs your refined sense of humor. Sex jokes are funny?
Steve: Well . . .
Tess: . . . and fart jokes are funny?
Steve: Ha, have you heard the one about the opera singer in the whoopee cushion factory?
Tess: (Annoyed yet amused.) Ugh. Stop it.
Steve: (Theatrically) Well, now that I have irrevocably embarrassed myself in front of you (an unnaturally placed pause)
Tess: Yes? Now that you have irrevocably embarrassed yourself?
Steve: This is when you correct me by telling me I shouldnıt be so silly and that misunderstandings like this happen all the time.
Tess: Now that you have irrevocably embarrassed yourself?
Steve: Well, okay then. I guess Iıll leave before I say anything else that Iım going to regret.
Tess: I will tell Vicky that you stopped by.
Steve: Thanks. And Iıll probably be back to see you two again.
Tess: Yeah, you THINK I want to see you again. (Coyly; sheıs pissed but she canıt quite hide the fact that she likes him).
Steve: Later (cocky). Oh, and tell Vicky that my room is bigger. (Steve leaves.)
Malvolia: Excuse me, Tess, but I think when somebody butchers my name
Tess: Sorry, Mal.
Malvolia: Will you let me finish my sent (Vicky Enters)
Tess: Hey Vicky, your brother stopped by. You just missed him by a couple of seconds.
Vicky: Oh well, Iıll see him later.
Tess: Oh my god, he is so funny. You should have seen what he did.
Vicky: Agh, I donıt even care. I am just so frustrated with him right now. Iım sorry.
Tess: Yeah, thatıs probably for the better anyway.
Vicky: But, I'm done with laundry, so if you need to go
Tess: You're going to be around here for a while? (Meaningful exchange of glances)
Vicky: Yeah, I'll keep an eye on the . . . (Looking at Malvolia) . . . room.
Tess: Thanks a million. See ya. (Exit. Vicky starts folding her laundry.)
Malvolia: Vicky.
Vicky: Yes?
Malvolia: Would you mind telling your roommate that I find it neither humorous nor appropriate when she mispronounces my name?
Vicky: Um, sure. What, uh, is your name again?
Malvolia: Malvolia.
Vicky: Ahhhhh.
Malvolia: Let's hear you say it.
Vicky: I got it.
Malvolia: Say it!
Vicky: Don't worry about it!
Malvolia: I just want to hear one person at this Godforsaken college pronounce my
name correctly!
Vicky: Right, right, right. Um, Mal . . . (As she starts forming certain sounds, she watches Malvolia for encouragement.) . . . vol . . . (Knock on door.)
Vicky: I'll get it!
Malvolia: Finish it! (Vicky walks over to the door, opens it and suddenly slams it shut. David is standing on the other side, and he has no clue what is going on)
Vicky: Oh my god, itıs my director. Heıs on to me. Heıs after me. Heıs going to have me kicked out. I knew it was all a bad idea. I knew it wouldnıt work. (Runs under the desk and cowers.) Magnolia, please send him away. Tell him Iım not here. Donıt let him in. If itıs the last favor you do for me all year, you canıt let him in here.
Malvolia: Say my name properly, and I will promptly send him away.
Vicky: Mal . . . vol . . . oh I donıt know. Can I use a lifeline?
Malvolia: Ee-a.
Vicky: What?
Malvolia: Say it!
Vicky: I'll get it!
Malvolia: EE-A!
Vicky: I . . . I canıt!! (Malvolia marches over to the door and whips it open.)
Malvolia: Hello.
David: (Surprised) Hi. Is Tess home?
Malvolia: Tess? Donıt you want Vicky?
David: Huh?
Malvolia: Never mind.
David: You must be her roommate, M
Malvolia: alvolia, yes.
David: Well, I guess Iıll come back later.
Malvolia: Wait, wait! Donıt you want to leave her a note?
David: I donıt think she really wants notes from me right now.
Malvolia: Of course she does. See the pad on that desk? (Points.) Just go over there
David: No, no. Iıd better go.
Malvolia: (Desperate.) Do it!
David: Okay, okay! (Walks over to the desk and writes.) There. Iım going to go now.
Malvolia: Well, weıve . . . uh, been interior decorating.
David: Huh?
Malvolia: And weıd like a manıs opinion on it. Youıre the closest thing weıve got.
David: Excuse me?
Malvolia: Take this desk for instance. Do you like it where it is?
David: Honestly, I think it looks off-center. Why donıt you put it over by the computer?
Malvolia: I would, but the desk is so heavy.
David: I could move it.
Malvolia: Oh, would you?
David: (Lifts desk and moves it stage right. Malvolia expects Vicky to be discovered, but Vicky moves discreetly along with the desk so David never sees her.) There. Iıd better get going.
Malvolia: Wait! What about the . . . the . . . floor?
David: The floor?
Malvolia: Well, what do you think of the rug?
David: Itıs . . . colorful.
Malvolia: No, no you have to look at it closer. (She kneels on the rug.)
David: Iım sorry, I
Malvolia: Get down! (David drops to the floor in frightened obedience.)
David: Uh, yeah. Feels great.
Malvolia: (All nice now.) Doesnıt it?
David: (Gets up.) Iım getting out of here. (He is heading for the door and Malvolia gets desperate.)
Malvolia: (Worried.) Oh my God! Ohhh! (She kicks Vicky under the desk.)
Vicky: (Falling out from her hiding place.) OUCH!
David: (Turns at the noise.) What was that?
Vicky: (Embarrassed.) Hi.
David: (Goes over to Vicky.) You must be Vicky?
Vicky. Yeah.
David: Are you going to get up?
Vicky: Oh, oh, of course. (Stands up.)
David: What were you doing under that desk?
Vicky: Me . . . uh, there was a screw loose
Malvolia: Iıll say.
David: (He likes her.) Do the screws loosen often?
Vicky: In this room, yes.
David: You know, you should really come over to Pfoho sometime and see my room.
Vicky: You think so? Does your desk need screwing, too?
David: No, but I
Malvolia: (Cutting him off) Werenıt you leaving?
David: Oh yeah. I have a chem lab now. Iıll see you again, wonıt I, Vicky?
Vicky: Yes. I mean, if it fits into your schedule.
Malvolia: This is disgusting. (Slamming door on David.) Good Bye! (Whips around to face Vicky) Now, say it.
Vicky: Say what?
Malvolia: What you were going to say before he interrupted. (Vicky looks at her blankly) Say my Name! (bitch)
Vicky: Why is it so important for you to have your name pronounced correctly? (Malvolia gives her a shocked look, then turns to face the audience. Music starts as the chorus enters)
Say My Name!
(Malvolia walks through a maze of four people chanting her name incorrectly in a set pattern)
Would a rose by any other name smell quite as sweet?
No, I don't think so.
The day that I accept that is the day I accept defeat
No, I don't think so.
Chorus:
Militia Medusa Milan Minnesota
Malicious malignant malodious odor
Malvolia:
I'm losing my patience
It's straining my nerves
These mispronunciations
I don't deserve
Just don't get it wrong that's all I ask of you
[insert catchy 9-syllable phrase here)
Chorus:
Militia Medusa Milan Minnesota
Malicious malignant malodious odor
Malvolia:
Say my name, say my name
My name is so unique
Unforgettable, right? Wrong!
Just to hear it articulated
I have to stop being so damn nice
(Spoken) Which I usually am
Chorus:
Militia Medusa Milan Minnesota
Malicious malignant malodious odor
Malvolia:
I'm losing my patience
It's straining my nerves
These mispronunciations
I don't deserve
Just don't get it wrong that's all I ask of you
[insert catchy 9-syllable phrase here)
Not Minnestronia, bolgnia, Kraft cheese and macaroni-a
Not palmolive or calzonia or ballerina Anna Pavlovia
especially not Lee I. Atolia or Fitch and Abercrombia
but Malvolia!
(As the music ends the chorus leaves and there is a knock on the door, Malvolia answers it revealing John & followers.)
Malvolia: (Still off the heels of her angry number.) What do you want?
John: I think we met during prefrosh weekend. Malvolia, right?
Malvolia: Yes! (The lights shift colors as Malvolia is filled with inexplicable joy. A moment of swelling music and hilarious epiphany. Malvolia suddenly turns nice.) Won't you come in? (John enters.) So, what is your name?
John: To those who speak to me, I am referred to as John. (Followers chant: John . . .)
Malvolia: John, what a nice, pronounceable name. (She is staring at him, looking more in love each moment)
John: Well it is of ancient origin, many prophets share it with me.
Malvolia: Do you know, John, that you're the only person who has ever said my name correctly? (She is now glowing.)
John: Our ontological spheres must be momentarily conjoined in a cosmological union.
Malvolia: (Did not understand a word he just said.) Uh huh. (Positive again.) So, what brings you to my room?
John: I actually didn't know that you lived here. I came to see Vicky. (All hope drains from Malvolia's face)
Malvolia: Oh. (She bangs on the door to Vickyıs bedroom and stalks offstage through the door to her bedroom)
Vicky: (walking out from her room into the common room) Oh John, I am so glad you stopped by.
John: What troubles you?
Vicky: All this sneaking around is driving me crazy. I mean, at the Pudding I have to make sure Steve and Tess donıt recognize me and outside I need to avoid everyone who works at the Pudding.
John: You have only been through one week of rehearsals. Surely it wasnıt that bad.
Vicky: But it was. Everywhere I turned I saw Steve and Tess.
John: Tessıs attendance is infrequent and you share but one scene with Steve. Seldom will you run into him. And the cast and your friends inhabit two different astral planes.
Vicky: They what?
Follower3: You donıt see each other much.
Vicky: Well thatıs about to change. David was just here.
John: Has his keen knowledge of behavior allowed him to penetrate your disguise?
Vicky: No he was looking for Tess.
John: It is safe to assume his return to these walls. You must perfect your male stance.
Vicky: I think Iıve got it. (She tries to stand as a guy would)
John: No, your center of balance must be more centered. (John walks up to Vicky and puts his hands on her waist trying to get her to stand without jutting out one of her hips. As she does this Vicky looses her balance and puts her arms on his shoulders as she falls forwards against him. At this moment, Malvolia walks out of her bedroom. From her line of sight, Vicky and John appear to be in some sort of embrace. She screams. BLACKOUT)
1.4 I Am the Walrus
(Speaking: Sir Andrew, Sir Toby, David, Writer, Vince, Tess, Steve. Chorus sings.)
(Lights up on the Tasty Pudding. David is watching Sir Andrew, Sir Toby Belch, and Fabian act out a scene. They are doing a terrible job.)
Sir Andrew: ³I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.²
Sir Toby Belch: ³And I had as lief be a Harvardist!²
David: (Exasperated.) Cut! These are the worst lines I've ever heard!
Sir Andrew: Who wrote this shit?
Writer: (Entering; very Shakespearean voice.)
My lord, I understand your awful plight
I wrote this scene i'the gloaming of last night!
I also had an Justice paper due!
Cut me some slackI've yet to write scene 2!
David: Stop bitching! All right guys, we're going to take a break to let Willie over there see if he can improve this garbage. I'll see you all in an hour.
Sir Andrew: An hour? How long does it take to rewrite a couple lines?
David: Well, I've also got some sex to do. (Exeunt.)
Vince: Huh?
David: Science B-29. Human Behavioral Biology. Sex.
Vince: Oh. Do you need a hand?
David: No, I'm fine by myself. (Takes banana out of bag. Yes, we get it.)
Vince: Well, do you mind if I stick around?
David: Sure. (David whips out his homework. He starts reading, using his finger and turning pages too quickly.)
Vince: So, uh, what do you have to do for sex?
David: (Without looking up.) Gotta read Demonic Males.
Vince: What's that about?
David: (In a chummy, man-to-man way.) It's one of those books that portrays
men as the root of all evil, you know.
Vince: Yeah, I never do understand guys. (David gives her a look.) I mean,
uh, I sometimes don't even understand . . . myself! "To thine own self be
true" and everything, but, I mean, uh . . . you know.
David: (Back to his homework.) Uh-huh.
Vince: Wow, I've never seen someone read so intensely.
David: Yeah, well, I took a course at the Bureau of Study Counsel.
Vince: Wow, so you get better comprehension now?
David: Well, I still don't understand it, but I get through it faster.
Vince: Wow, I never had time to take that course.
David: When you're a pre-med, you make time.
Vince: Wow, you're a pre-med?
David: It's a cold, cruel life.
Vince: But you want to grow up to help people, right?
David: I'll help people after I wreck the curve.
Vince: What do you like so much about being a premed?
David: (Pops out of the book to deliver this speech. During this speech, he is holding the banana which he squeezes harder and harder as he speaks of crushing the competition. As he talks, the lights slowly dim and the orchestra goes from a few subtle notes to a schmaltzy love tune, like the one from "Romeo and Juliet," as Vince watches him, enchanted, moving closer.) It's not so much a matter of liking it. It's a lifestyle. It's a dog-eat-dog world, Vince. If everyone is a chimp, I'm the alpha. If everyone is a college, I'm Harvard. If everyone is a food group, I'm carbohydrates. If everyone is a walrus, I'm the . . . biggest walrus. I'm climbing a ladder, and every rung is another pre-med I have to step on. It's the ultimate in academic evolutionsurvival of the fittest. (At this point, Vince has his head on David's shoulder.)
Vince: Wow.
David: (Realizing that Vince's head is on his shoulder, he removes it politely but firmly. As he does this, the music screeches to a halt. Vince regains his composure.) Um, yeah. It's tough.
Vince: Wow. So you don't have time to do much else, do you?
David: Actually, academics aren't all there is to life, even if you are a
pre-med. I mean, I really love doing the Tasty Pudding show.
Vince: Wow, I can see that. You're a very enthusiastic director.
David: (Modestly.) Well, I try.
Vince: No, really, I think you're doing a good job.
David: (During this speech, the music builds and the lights dim and Vince moves closer, as before.) Well, thank you. You know, I've always found theater to be a good outlet for my emotional, sensitive side. When I direct a play, I'm really putting myself into the playI am the play. I am the characters. I am the emotions. I am the walrus. This may be my last chance to direct something, and I really want it to be something special. It's just amazing what you can create with just a few people . . . and a dream. (Bites the banana. Mouth full.) Here, want some banana?
Vince: I'll pass.
David: Oh, ok. Hey, uh, how come I never see you around campus?
Vince: Uh. I have a job.
David: Man, I wish I had time to work. I never have enough moneyI always have to go on cheap dates.
Vince: Oh, who cares? If you really like someone, why does it matter how much you spend on them? I think the true sign of a good relationship is that you don't need all that fancy stuff.
David: I wish women felt that way.
Vince: Well, there are women out there who are cool about that stuff.
David: Yeah, I guess so. I have a lot of trouble finding girls who aren't too superficial. But I did meet this one girl yesterday who seemed to be pretty cool.
Vince: Really? What's her name? Maybe I know her.
David: Oh, her name's Vicky. She's just a freshman not a big deal.
Vince: (A bit too eagerly. At this point, the music and lights have reached maximum schmaltziness.) Oh. You don't date freshmen?
David: (Looks up, yells to Tess in the light booth.) Hey Tesswill you stop fiddling with the damn lights?
Tess: (From offstage; quite sarcastically.) Yes, sir. (Lights snap up. The music is still playing at full blast.)
David: (Yelling into the orchestra pit.) Hey Dan I thought I told you to take a break! (Music stops immediately.)
Dan Sedgwick: We're just trying to practice here!
David: Well, I'm trying to do work! Please cut it out.
Dan: All right. (Tess enters.)
Tess: What's wrong with you, David? I was trying to work on light cues. Can't you work somewhere else? (Vicky, seeing Tess, exits. David starts walking off stage with Tess following as their conversation continues)
David: Hey, I'm under a lot of pressure will you give me a break!
Tess: People under pressure are a dime a dozen here! That's no excuse for being a prick!
David: I don't have time to argue about this. (He exits. Steve enters.)
Steve: What's up with David? Why was he yelling at you?
Tess: He's mad at me about the chickens.
Steve: Chickens?
Tess: Yeah, I am trying to start a movement on campus to save poor chickens from being slaughtered, but some people like David just don't have hearts.
Steve: (Not really caring about the chickens but trying to get on Tess's good side.) I know what you mean, chickens have feelings too.
Tess: Exactly.
Because Chickens Have Rights, Too
Tess: (Slow)
I was at the tender age of five or maybe six or seven
when on a class trip to a farm
I found my calling in life
The farmer said "children look at the hens
name each one if you like"
then he looked at me and asked what I'd named mine
³The one over there is tiny, so small, so harmless and petit
I think I'll name him little chicken²
and then the farmer grinned
and turned
and walked
then said,
Farmer:
'Come here little chicken little play with me
I want to show you a sample of my cutlery,
Tess:
He took him by the neck and the "bock bock" stopped
This is when I knew
I'd fight for chickens
Those darling chicken who've never done a thing to me or you
We must defend the forgotten chickens
because chickens have rights too!
Steve:
I know exactly how you feel, I once had an amphibian friend
I named him Kermit, Kermit the frog
it's a shame that his life had to end
One winter's day it was cold in the house, Kermit's ribbit said "Steve I'm
chilly"
You have to remember I was five at the time
Looking back I feel rather silly
I wrapped Kermit up in a fluffy hand towel and took him to the kitchen
and then opened up the microwave door
and set the clock for one minute
I pressed start
50% power
who would've known
That he would explode
(Dance break w/square dance hoe-down)
(Fast)
Tess:
I watched my little chicken little headlessly
swinging from the window of a butchery
Won't accept the lack of humanity
for my feathered friends
Oh the chickens
Those darling chicken who've never done a thing to me or you
We must defend the forgotten chickens
Tess & Steve:
because chickens have rights too!
(Simultaneously)
Tess:
Oh the chickens
Those darling chicken who've never done a thing to me or you
We must defend the forgotten chickens
Steve:
Improve vocal runs with various clucking noises
Tess & Steve:
because chickens have rights too!
(Ensemble exits; music stops.)
Steve: You know, I even raised chickens when I was little.
Tess: Wait. Didn't you grow up in southern California?
Steve: Well . . . I um . . . visited my grandparents once . . . they lived near a KFC.
Tess: (Not really registering what he just said; staring into his eyes) That is so great. You know, most people that I tell this to don't even care. They are just too busy with their own lives to notice.
Steve: Yeah, some people just don't know how to sit back and enjoy life. I mean, my sister never stops competing with me. Why can't she just deal with the fact that I'm better? (Again, cue the orchestra and the light-dimming.)
Tess: Yeah, once in a while, you have to stop and smell the roses.
Steve: I couldn't agree more. You have to run the race at your own pace.
Tess: (Takes Steveıs hand.) Take things one step at a time.
Steve: (Takes her other hand.) Enjoy the bird in the handdon't look for two in the bush.
Tess: That is so true. I can't believe I've finally met someone who understands me and my cause.
Steve: Yeah, it's so swell finding someone who feels the way you feel. It's like having . . .
Tess: A soulmate.
Steve: Yeah.
Tess: Hey, how'd it get so dark in here? (Steve shrugs. Tess breaks the handhold as the music stops, and starts yelling up to the light booth.) Hey David, stop messing around with the lights! (Pause.) David, could you bring the lights up? (Pause.) David? (She looks into the orchestra pit, then walks back to Steve.) What's going on here?
Steve: I guess it must just be the mood. (Slight pause as the music comes back in full force. Steve grabs and kisses her as the lights go out.)
1.5 Vickyıs Room
(Speaking: Vicky, Malvolia, Tess, Judge. Chorus sings.)
(Vince enters. As the song goes on, he transforms to Vicky.)
Vince: I canıt take it anymore!
Going Crazy
Four rehearsals in the next three days
I canıt keep up this masquerade. (Reaches up to touch cap. It falls off.)
Always running from place to placeGeez
Itıs such a pain to hide this braid!
Keeping up this act is taking all my time
I trick my friends, I cheat myself, and Iım
GOING CRAZY!
Iım stressed, tired, fractured, strained
My actıs a joke, (beat beat) this plan deranged.
Iım pushed, Iım pulled, Iım ıbout to break
Who ever will believe this fake?!
(spoken) And I have an Expos paper due tomorrow!
Steve is causing this anxiety
He surely sees that somethingıs wrong.
Waiting for him to leave the room
At the Pudding always takes so long.
What if he knows itıs me beneath this pantomime
Heıd turn me inin seconds flat I knowso Iım
GOING CRAZY!
Iım stressed, tired, fractured, strained
My actıs a joke, (beat beat) this plan deranged.
Iım pushed, Iım pulled, Iım ıbout to break
Who ever will believe this fake?!
(spoken) My entire school budget is going to Starbucks!
How can I hope to survive this mess?
How can I keep my head above water?
Does Vicky exist anymore? (gasps - a new worry)
Did somebody spot her?
Is Vince becoming more than I can take?
When Iım with David he gets lost.
I hide my self from him for all Iım worth
But is it really worth the cost?
I donıt even know whatıs happening to me
Once I was sane and in control, but now Iım
GOING CRAZY!
Iım stressed, tired, fractured, strained
My actıs a joke, (beat beat) this plan deranged.
Iım pushed, Iım pulled, Iım ıbout to break
Who ever will believe this fake?!
(spoken) The guysı bathroom in the Pudding stinks!
What am I going to do? (Vicky, frustrated, exits for her bedroom. Malvolia enters, and begins rifling through all the objects in the common room. She discovers several incriminating objects, including a manıs underwear. She goes to her computer to record the evidence and falls asleep.)
Malvoliaıs Dream
Malvolia:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
What I present to you here is no lie
You all know John? I thought for sure he
Was a dependable good honest guy,
And lovely Vicky? She seemed so chaste
Independent and wise,
But these impressions have been erased
For I've discovered their lies
And as you soon will see, I've been out on the prowl
Collecting proof that shows there's been a grievous foul.
When you hear it,, you too will feel like chucking,
For what I'm about to show is that he and she are
Chorus:
Guilty! Guilty! Show us if they're guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! Though not proven yet
When Malvolia goes on the attack
The side that she takes is the one on which to bet.
Judge: (spoken)
Call Tess to the stand.
Malvolia:
You're Vicky's best friend, and you can say
About her vile behavior with John
Tess:
Oh, I am sure, they are just friendly
I'm certain there is nothing going on
Malvolia:
Exhibit A, then, what about this?
The underwear of a guy
And this here photo, them perched to kiss,
Lets hear a good reason why.
Tess:
Now your jealousy is the thorn in your crown
You have no passions but to bring poor Vicky down
Malvolia:
She's a liar, there's something funny brewing
It is clear that Vic and John are
Chorus:
Guilty! Guilty! Show us that they're guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! It's becoming clear
That Malvolia knows what she's about.
The defense in this case is starting to show fear.
Judge: (spoken)
Call Vicky to the stand.
Malvolia:
John is an intimate partner of yours
Vicky:
It's platonic, of that I'll swear.
Malvolia:
Then give us one, platonic reason
That you would have pairs of his underwear.
You think we're stupid
You think we're fools
But your fun will end now.
Vicky:
Oh please don't hurt me, Try and stay cool
And we can talk this all out
Malvolia:
Pressure crushes in, she begins to show cracks
Her story just won't hold when forced to face all the facts.
Platonic(sarcastically)? That boy moves pretty fast, he
And Vicky are doing the
Chorus:
Guilty! Guilty! Both of them are guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! Now the case is closed.
It's Malvolia that we have to thank
This sordid affair is now clearly exposed.
(They carry Vicky off.)
Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty ...
(Malvolia wakes up and resumes typing. Vicky enters.)
Malvolia: I know your secret!
BLACKOUT
Act 2
2.1 The Infamy of Jade (At the Pudding)
(Speaking: Jade, Crystal, Onyx, Vince, Tess, various Cast. Chorus sings.)
(Cast ad libs the infamy of Jade.)
Jade: Silence! (Cracks the whip.) I am Jade. (Cast repeats: Jaaade . . .) I was brought here to whip some men into shape. But I donıt see any men here. I guess youıll have to do. Do any of you know the key to being a woman?
CastMember1: Lipstick!
Jade: Silence! Itıs the walk.
Walk Like a Woman
(song begins in techno version of walk like a man)
Right, left, hip, and stop
You're a lady now, a man you're not (Beat drops)
Right, left, hip, and stop
You're a lady now, a man you're not
Right, left, hip, and hold
Blow em' a kiss and make it bold
Right, left, hip, and stop
cross at the ankles, never at the top
Right, left, hip, and hold
You're women, boys, now play the role
because it takes a mighty strong man to walk like a woman
There were days when sugar and spice were the traits of femininity
Took out your girl, showered her with diamonds and pearls
Oh how happy she would be
The days of dancing and romancing are coming to an end
Instead of diamonds and pearls
Ben and Jerry are a girl's best friend
Crystal & Onyx:
Right, left, hip, and stop
Jade:
You're a lady now, a man you're not
(Jade & dancers continue to alternate the chorus)
Right, left, hip, and hold
Blow em' a kiss and make it bold
Right, left, hip, and stop
cross at the ankles, never at the top
Right, left, hip, and hold
You're women, boys, now play the role
Jade:
because it takes a mighty strong man to walk like a woman
You gotta have style and flair
maybe a flip of the hair
and just a coy little smile will do
to show your power
My dear you are the woman of the hour
and all eyes are watching you
(Jade & Pudding members alternate lines of the chorus)
Right, left, hip, and stop
You're a lady now, a man you're not
Right, left, hip, and hold
Blow em' a kiss and make it bold
Right, left, hip, and stop
cross at the ankles, never at the top
Right, left, hip, and hold
You're women, boys, now play the role
because it takes a mighty strong man to walk like a woman
(Dance Break:"Vogue" Hasty Pudding Style: a man's coat and hat, tie and coat for the choreographer. As it ends, slower softer music)
Jade:
Now I'll tell you something fellas (one actor grunts)
Nowadays plain old dancin' just won't do
cause when you go to lead your lady, fellas (actor grunts to correct Jade
again; she apologizes)--LADIES--
Your woman's leading you (Pudding "woman" dips "male" choreographer)
(at the actor) Have you been working out?
1234 All together one time more
5678 We're doing the combination straight (looks at the cross-dressed men)
.. . . or which ever way is most comfortable for you
LET'S GO! (Chorus is more sung than spoken this time alternating lines
between two groups of Pudding members while Jade ad libs)
Right, left, hip, and stop
You're a lady now, a man you're not
Right, left, hip, and hold
Blow em' a kiss and make it bold
Right, left, hip, and stop
cross at the ankles, never at the top
Right, left, hip, and hold
You're women, boys, now play the role
All:
because it takes a mighty strong man to walk like a woman
Jade:
It takes a mighty strong man to walk like a woman
(makes a motion for Pudding men to carry her away)
Take me to the dance studio!
Pudding Man: Oh, no, weıre all ladies here. Remember? A real woman could walk to the dance studio on her own. (laughter)
Jade: (snaps: laughter dies) Hahaha. Now, listen: Iım the only queen in this rehearsal. And I said, Take me to the dance studio! (Music dies out as cast members hoist up Jade and carry her off. Cassandra and some of the other female techies who were watching the lesson move towards center stage and start moving around the set pieces. Tess walks in.)
Cassandra: Hey, Tess, you're finally here. Guido and Kenny went to the
set shop to pick up the mansion.
Tess: Okay, good.
Cassandra: I hope it gets here in one piece. Guido's really clumsy.
Tess: Youıre always worrying, Cassandra.
Cassandra: I'm just nervous. I worked on that set for a whole month. (Goes back to what she was doing. Vince enters, running, bumps into Tess.)
Tess: Hey, Steve.
Vince: Uh, hi. (Starts coughing. Avoids looking straight at Tess.)
Tess: Are you okay? You sound sick.
Vince: Uh, cold. Very contagious.
Tess: Oh, I've been hoping to catch you. There's a rally tonight to free the chickens from the farm under Annenberg.
Vince: Chicken farm?
Tess: You didn't know? Where do you think General Wong's chicken COMES from? (Pause.) So, I'll see you at 8?
Vince: Mmmhmm.
Tess: (Goes in for the kiss. Vince has a coughing fit.) Well, I hope you feel better. Oh, and maybe you could lose the hat? (Scream offstage. Kenny comes running orange sweatshirt. Vince leaves during the confusion.) What's wrong, Kenny?
Kenny: (Incoherent) TruckchickensfeathersmansionboomGuido!
Helen: Oh, my God! They killed Guido!
Everyone on stage: Those bastards.
Cassandra: I told you so! No one ever believes me!
Trench: I believe you, Cassandra.
Cassandra: Shut up!
Tess: So, you are all coming to the rally right?
Helen: How can you talk about chickens at a time like this, Guido is dead.
Tess: (bitter) Then why don't you make popcorn-Guido and save the lives
of several innocent chickens! Save the chickens! Chickens!!! (She starts handing flyers to everyone in sight. Most of them just throw them away. The crowd which assembled when Guido died begins to disperse. David enters)
David: Tess! Are you handing out those flyers again! You are supposed to be hanging lights.
Tess: A life is more important than a light, David.
David: Well, you have a job to do for this show and you never seem to be doing it!
Tess: Oh really, well if you cared about anything except this stupid show
David: Stupid show! At least I am not obsessed with chickens!
Tess: Obsessed! (They both begin yelling at the same time becoming more and more incoherent and loud as the lights go out.)
Blackout
2.2 Love
(Speaking: David, Vicky, Tess, Steve.)
(Vicky is walking through Harvard Yard. She sees David and tries to pass him undetected, but he spots her.)
David: Vicky!
Vicky: (stops dead in her tracks) Oh, David, hi. I didn't even see you. I'm glad you said something or I would've walked right by you.
David: Where are you rushing off to?
Vicky: (trying to choose an inconvenient location) Annen . . . Byer . . . Lamont!
David: (too quick and eager) I can walk with you. I'm on my way home.
Vicky: But you live in the Quad. Isn't that a little out of your way?
David: Oh I don't mind. I've got some time (looks at watch and grimaces) and I can take the shuttle.
Vicky: (flattered) Okay. (The two start to walk and pitifully attempt to make conversation)
David: So.
Vicky: So.
David: So, what classes are you taking?
Vicky: I have Expos, French, Ec 10
David: Oh, My friend Vince is in Ec 10. He's a freshman, too! Do you know him?
Vicky: No, but it's easy to miss someone in an 800-person class.
David: This is true. (Pause) So, where are you from?
Vicky: Southern California, where the winter is short and the smog is eternal.
David: Oh, Vince is from California. Have you ever metnever mind. You should meet Vince. If you come to the Pudding show I'll introduce you. Do you think you might?
Vicky: Do I think I might what?
David: Come to the show. It's rare that the Pudding show is student-directed. I've put so much time into it! After classes, labs and studying for exams this play is my top priority.
Vicky: Really. Is that all?
David: Is that all? You do realize that's a quite a handful to manage?
Vicky: Well of course, but is that all you do? What about fun? Watching television, going to parties, dating?
David: No one at Harvard dates. It's either "I want you for tonight" or "I want you for the rest of my life.² It's frustrating, you know. Waiting for love.
Vicky: So why are you waiting? Love has to be pursued. It could be right it front of your face, but if you're not willing to look for it . . . then you could miss out on something . . . special. (A tense silence.) You like this Vince a lot don't you?
David: Who? Oh, yeah he's really talented, a real hard worker. Remarkable dedication . . . (his voice trails off as he stares at Vicky)
Vicky: (blushing) We're here. This is Lamont. I guess you have to go now?
David: (checks watch) Yeah. So.
Vicky: So. Bye. (David exits. Vicky walks off stage, supposedly into Lamont. As she leaves, Tess and Steve enter from opposite sides of the stage and literally run into each other)
Steve: Hi.
Tess: Do you know what they had for lunch today?
Steve: No . . .
Tess: General Wongıs Chicken. Do you know what else they had?
Steve: Lavash?
Tess: No. Chicken with chutney. Those chickens needed you, Steve.
Steve: Sorry, I wasnıt hungry.
Tess: That's horrible. How can you be so insensitive? Where were you last night at 8?
Steve: I went out to a party.
Tess: I canıt believe you! I waited an hour! I missed half the rally! Do you know how many chickens you can cook in an hour, Steve? (Storms out.)
Steve: Chickens? Tess, wait! (Runs off.)
Learning How to Tell You
Vicky:
Learning how to tell you is far too hard to do
This tangled web Iıve woven keeps me boundI can't reach you
Don't know if I'll confess and risk all I've achieved
or if I'll stay here leaving you deceived
David:
Learning how to tell you is just so hard to do
I've tried to build my perfect world, is there a space for you?
With classes and activities I've no time for love at all
All I've built around me is a wall
Vicky:
Telling you the truth is far harder than it seems
No one loves a liar and it's
Vicky and David:
Only in my dreams that I can see you accepting me
Vicky:
Knowing what I've done
David:
Knowing what I do
Vicky and David:
For who I am
Tess:
Deciding if I'll tell you is taking much too long
Could I date a man who doesn't fight against whatıs wrong?
This thing I feel for you is bigger than poultry
but will our feelings always disagree?
Steve:
You just don't know how hard it will be
to find another girl I like who's just as hot as me
and yes I love the way, youıre intellectual, fiery and if I had to summarize
the entity that is
oh never mind
Damn youıre so hot! Tess youıre so hot!!!
Vicky:
I've hurt them all
I've hurt them all
Learning how to tell you is far too hard to do
David:
Learning how to reach beyond these walls is something new
Tess:
And it's true I must confess that I want something more
Steve:
Feeling something I haven't felt before.
All :
Feeling something I haven't felt before.
Vicky:
Feeling something I haven't felt before
2.3 - Oh, Youıre So Wrong About That (Yard, in front of the John Harvard Statue.)
(Speaking: John, Followers, Vicky, Steve, Tess, David, Tour Guide, various Chorus.)
(John enters with at least 8 followers. They follow some odd ritual of settling themselves in, such as walking in little circles like dogs before they sit down.)
John: Circumlocute, my children.
Followers: Wholeness roundness circle circle circle! (All sit and John assumes The Position. Vicky enters.)
Vicky: John . . . Oh, John!
John: (sighs, maybe a LITTLE agitated, but nonetheless willing to see Vicky) Yes, dear Vicky, thatıs me.
Vicky: I think Malvolia knows!
John: Knows what, o daughter?
Vicky: Well . . . the Pudding! And the cross-dressing! And David! Everything, I swear. My life is going to endor itıs not, but it sure feels like it. (random follower starts whistling theme to ³donıt worry, be happy,² more followers join over time)
John: (obviously looking for the quick solution) Passivity.
Vicky: (exasperated) Johnnn!
John: No, my Vicky. Iım serious. Let your problems solve themselves. Let go. Relax. Donıt worry . . .
Followers: Be happy! (All cascade into chorus of Do do do do be do be do be do be do be do! Itıs up to the discretion of the actors how and when the singing stops)
Vicky: But what if she tells . . .?
John: Donıt worry! Who would believe her? Go to the Pudding, Vicky, and stop worrying. Problems never get any worse. Get yourself to the Pudding.
Vicky: And David . . .?
John: Relationships can only get simpler. Wait for him to make the first move, what could be clearer?
Vicky: So I just go and pretend no one knows a thing? Plan A?
John: Thatıs right, who needs a Plan B? Preparedness is overrated. You only have 24 hours before opening night concludes and you will have been successful in your quest to infiltrate the Pudding.
Vicky: Thatıs right. Only 24 hours. I can make it. I just have to get to the Pudding.
John: Yes Vicky, go to the Pudding. (As Vicky runs off, John resettles himself in The Position.)
Steve: John! (John ignores him.) John! Oh, John!
John: (a bit more agitated, this is interruption number two!) Steve, ohhhh, Steve!
Steve: Iıve got . . .
John: A problem? Yeah, you sure do. (realizing that his luck in getting Vicky to leave so quickly has run out; growing more exasperated.) I will listen.
Steve: (unsure) Itıs, uh, Tess.
John: Sheıs angry?
Steve: Uh, yeah.
John: Girls usually are. Angry. (Sighs.) Anyway, expound. Let us delve.
Steve: Itıs the chickens! And I donıt know what to do! I really like her. Not just a little bit. And she smiled at me, John, at me. Me me me! God, Iım in love! But the chickens. I donıt love her chickens.
John: (sarcastic, again) Oh, really? The chickens? Of course. None of us love the chickens. (Followers chant: Chickens . . .)
Steve: Yes, this rally . . . invitation . . . god knows who knewI didnıt know! And she blames ME. For General Wongıs chicken, I think.
John: (suddenly mock patient) Well Steve, itıs like this: youıre wrong. (Followers chant: ³Youıre wrong.²)
Steve: Pardon?
John: Youıre wrong. Youıre always just wrong. Let me make it simple: you, man . . . (Followers diagram ³man.²) Q E D . . . you, wrong. She, woman . . . (Followers diagram ³woman.²) Q E D . . . she, right. Capiche? (Followers: Capiche gesture.)
Steve: No, no, I donıt see that at all, actually.
John: Steve, the lesson here is that girls are always right. Always, without fail. No exceptions. Superior life forms and all that. Get it?
Steve: What the he (here, Steve is cut off)
John: (does Austin Powers shhhhh motion and sound effect) Zip it. The woman is always right. This isnıt bad, Steve, this makes women very happy. Got it? Happy. (Followers: ³Happy.²)
Steve: Ohhhhhhhhh. (Realizing) What else, John?
John: Letıs delve a little farther. Humans are sexually dimorphic for a reason, Steve . . .
Steve: Di-what?
John: (repeats Austin Powers shhhhh motion and sound effect) Steve, Iım going to ask you a serious question, and I want a serious answer, okay? (Some sort of amusing affirmation from Steve) Are you in touch with your Male Aura? (Followers: ³Male aura.²)
Steve: Er, uh, well, I think so.
John: No, youıre not. (Pause as Steve looks disgruntled) WORK WITH ME.
Steve: Okay.
John: Work. . .!
Steve: All right! (Yells)
John: Iım serious!
Steve: FINE. (Screams in a cranky voice)
John: FINE. Great, thatıs great. That was it, right there! Work it, baby!
Steve: WHATıS WRONG with you??!
John: Thatıs your Male Aura Steve. Say hello. (Chuckles to self. Followers wave hello.) This is the essence of your manliness, this is what girls lap up like Norwegian floppy poodles. (Followers pant.) Your primal, animal self is irresistibly sexy. Girls . . . women . . . love the animal man. They like men who dominate. Be a hopeless romantic. What comes to mind when you think of a hopeless romantic? (Followers: cute faces.)
Steve: Desperate.
John: No! (Followers strike manly poses.) Masculinity! Manliness! Machismo! Strength! (Followers chant with John.) Dominate dominate dominate!
Steve: But you just told me to be an ideological wimp.
John: Oh, thatıs right. (He says the previous in affirmation, not in surprise.) In your WORDS, not your ACTIONS. You see, you can make the woman feel powerful, even while exerting your Sexy Male Aura. Itıs physical. ACT as the aggressor, speak as her inferior. Have you ever studied the Manchurian Bush Hamster? (Followers chant: ³Hamster.²)
Steve: No . . .
John: (tangential voice) The most virile animals in the world, Steve. The most in touch with their intrinsic nature. These are deep animals, Steve. The males obey the femalesı every beck and call, but puff themselves up to be almost twice the size of the female. (Followers puff themselves up.) This makes her feel safe, which encourages her to engage in a monogamous relationship . . . at least long enough to mate. (Followers exhale.) Iıve always wanted a Manchurian Bush Hamster, myself, but I think our auras would clash because of my intense maleness and . . .
Steve: (serious, interrupts excitedly, just realizing the potential of his New Male Aura) God, youıre right, John! Iım going to go see Tess at the Pudding right away! Sheıll be so pleased with my new, agreeable, robust male selfhood! (Steve runs off. John begins to resume The Position, but even as he does, Tess runs on from the other side.)
Tess: John!
John: Oh, John!
Tess: No, Tess.
John: I know.
Tess: But you just called me John.
John: (obviously agitated for more than one reason) I KNOW.
Tess: Iıve got a problem.
John: Donıt we all.
Tess: (working self into a frenzy) No one cares about my friends, not even Steve. My little friends! Theyıre being murdered, John! Murdered, even as they try to escape. I can still hear them calling my name! Then theyıre hacked into itsy-bitsy-pieces and served . . .
John: (honestly extremely alarmed) GOD, Tess, have you called the authorities?
Tess: I did! They say they have more important things to attend to! Some are fried, some are boiled, some of them are baked. The women and the children. I held a rally, no one came!
John: (deeply empathetic and concerned) Oh, Tess . . .
Tess: (voice in the wilderness, crying out) My poor chickens!
John: CHICKENS?
Tess: Yes, even the babies, like I said.
John: My Hotma Gandhi! (obviously realizes what sheıs talking about, figuring out what Steve was talking about)
Tess: Yeah. That was the fifteenth rally that no oneıs showed up to. I guess the chicken vivisection posters werenıt enough.
John: (in his tangential voice) No Tess . . . Iım willing to bet the posters are more than enough. Your problem lies in energy. We all inhabit different astral planes. (Followers assume different planes.) Each astral plane has a different, corresponding color. In the school of enlightenment we have come to learn how to move between planes as a bird navigates the lofty heights. (Followers chirp.) Or the fishes, yes, the deep blue fishes of the silver scaly sea, (Followers make fish noises) gliding through their sensual environment, always seeking . . . something.
Tess: Algae?
John: (approvingly) Good analogy! Our algae is the Red Level. (Followers chant: ³Red,² continuously.) Youıre currently inhabiting the blue level of the astral plane. This is the basement of your soul, the rank remnant of your humanity.
Tess: (indignant) Iım not in the basement of my soul!
John: The colors are everywhere. Find your red, Tess. Feel it.
Tess: Gosh . . . youıre right. I do feel rather low on energy. Kind of blue . . .
John: (encouraging) Thatıs right. Really blue, huh? Blue like a slime mold might feel, blue like a parasite. Youıre not a parasite, Tess! Youıre a human being! God, the humanity of it all . . .
Tess: (more excited) All that untapped potential!
John: Maximize your potential! You donıt even need a class, just channel your energy. Move up, Tess, move up toward the light. The red light. Think red. Feel red. Be red.
Tess: Yes. Yes! Yes!!! Iım red! Iım RED! Iım RED!!! Oh, John, Iım going to renew my efforts. Red for the blood of the my martyred, dicèd friends! Red for the blood that has bathed the fields of Franceıs Chicken Farms! Red for love! (Long pause. Followers stop chanting. Sappy, quiet) Love . . . oh, Steve.
John: Oh, of course. Steve. How convenient.
Tess: (obviously now distracted thinking about Steve) What?
John: That redness, Tess . . . focus it on Steve, too.
Tess: (perks up) Hey, youıre right!
John: Red is about aggressiveness. Passion. Living out loud. Itıs almost like youıre getting in touch with a more primal self . . . itıs all about whatıs inside a person. Guys donıt care at all about outside appearances. (Followers feign agreement.)
Tess: Youıre right! I have confidence in myself. I do because Iım focused. Iım red!
John: Although it does help to have dark hair, luminous eyes, and a face to start a small land warbut arms are usually enough. You know what they say: arms fair in love and war. Yes, Iıd say itıs all in the arms. (Followers show off arms.) Show off your arms, Tess. (Tess puts her arms out.) Focus your redness and expose yourself. Self being concentrated in the arms, that is.
Tess: Oh, John, how can I thank you enough?
John: (waves dismissively) Think red.
Tess: Red. Iım so red! Itıs everywhere, John, this redness. Thank you! Iım going straight to the Pudding to organize my next rally.
(Walks off excitedly rubbing her arms. John resumes The Position. David enters.)
David: (Talking to the John Harvard statue) Oh John, my life is so . . .
John: (cutting him off) I DONıT EVEN KNOW YOU!!!!!
David: I was just
John: (YELLS, jumping up and down.) Leave me to my meditation! I donıt care about your chickens or your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your lying roommates or your fascination with cross-dressing. I donıt care, hear? (John jumps up and down and dies. Followers attempt to revive him. David looks at him and begins slowly backing away, glances at his watch and rushes off in the direction of the Pudding)
Johnıs Lament
Followers & John:
Out of Krishnan Confucius and Buddha, you'd agree
It's amazing that they seek advice . . . from me!
Dali Lama and Gandhi
the list of wise goes on and on
yet when they need enlightening
they always come to John.
(Spoken) I'm willing to help
but even the wise need rejuvenation
Let us meditate.
Buddha says: neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase
Followers: Erase . . .
John: Our good deeds.
Followers: Good deeds . . .
John:
But I think this do-gooding
is getting too tiring for me
Self-help is under-rated
Great philosophers have stated
Seek and ye shall find
the unerroneous resplendent diversified answers in your mind
(Followers give the look of ³huh?² A group of loud, obnoxious American tourists enter, making Harvard jokes and harassing the followers during a musical interlude.)
Tour Guide1: (spoken) Touching the toe of the John Harvard statue improves fertility, reduces the appearance of wrinkles and sagging . . . of all kinds, and it cures exema. (They mistake John for the John Harvard statue and begin rubbing his feet frenetically for good luck, taking pictures, being a nuisance in general. He finally swats them away, or the tour guide makes them move on.)
John: Let us . . . meditate.
Follower1:
John I understand the concept
of seek and ye shall find . . .
But I've pondered many questions
And the answers I can't find
Follower2:
If a tree falls in the forest
does it make a sound?
What's the sound of one hand clapping?
What makes the world go round?
Follower3:
There's a question that's been plaguing me
with my energizer battery
there's battery A, and battery C . . .
Where the hell is battery B?
Follower4:
John, do you think there is a dog?
Answer or I'll feel rejected
Do you think there is a dog?
John:
This questioning is getting a tad too hectic.
Follower4:
Do you think there is aGod?
Do you think I'm a bit dyslexic?
(The second group of tourists come in in loud colored matching t-shirts. The tour guide speaks Chinese (or something); unfortunately, none of the tourists speak the same language. They become confused and mistaken. Cast members can say "What are you saying?" in whatever language they happen to speak.)
Tour guide2: (spoken - This is all said in Mandarin or Italian or Esperanto, etc.) [If you touch the toe of John Harvard, you will have very good luck.] (Points emphatically at statue. Tourists again rush to John. John tells them to "Leave me alone!" in several languages. The tourists are chased off as he yells at them in Chinese, then insults them in English with . . .)
John: May your fortune cookie always be broken, May your journey over water end under water . . .
This is all too much, my focus and such
must not abate. Let us all . . .
Followers: Meditate.
John:
In the search for selfhood revealed, you can
Go into the cave, and emerge Superman
Followers: Zarathustra . . .
John: So when you touch yourself,
Followers: (echo) Inner self. . .
John: What you find is always true
Followers: Too true . . .
John:
Remember, when you touch the toe (They or he touches his toe, and sigh . . .)
The toe touches also you.
(Almost monotone, but rising in pitch, heightening in fervor and intensity)
John:
And I've found
Followers:
He has FOUND!
John:
That my anomalous epistemology
has eliminatavated my selfhood and physiology,
So that I'm here in my
pseudo-psychological
anti-ontological
super-egotistical
implicit inducted
Self!
Followers: My . . .
John & Followers:
Oh yes! Out of Krishnan Confucius and Buddha, you'd agree
It's amazing that they seek advice . . . from me!
Dali Lama and Gandhi
the list of wise goes on and on
yet when they need enlightening
they always come to John.
Statue: You think YOU'VE got problems! You should see what they do to my foot at night! (Dusts himself off and stalks offstage in a huff.)
John: (Perplexed) Where are you going? You can't just leave! Is that legal? Fine, BE that way! (Malvolia enters. John lights up.) Malvolia!
Malvolia: Donıt Malvolia me! I know about your affair with Vicky.
John: What affair with Vicky? Oh, you donıt know that Vicky is cross-dressing at the Pudding?
Malvolia: (Light bulbs go off) Vicky is cross-dressing at the Pudding?
John: (recovering) No, Vicky is not cross-dressing at the Pudding. And if she were cross-dressing, she wouldnıt be cross-dressing at the Pudding. (Followers dig the hole bigger.) Not that sheıs cross-dressing. (continues to ad lib. about how Vicky is VERY definitely not cross-dressing. At the Pudding. Finishes:) In fact, now Iıll go to the Pudding and see if Vicky happens to not be cross-dressing there. (John and followers run off to the Pudding.)
The Roommate from Hell (Reprise)
Malvolia:
Iım that evil spying roommate from hell
And I plan to reveal Vickyıs little secret
Iıve found all the lurid details that she would never tell
Iım that roommate
>From Hell
And now Iıll follow John to the Pudding where Vicky is not cross-dressing. (Evil laugh.)
(BLACKOUT, BABY. YEAH.)
2.4 Dress Rehearsal (At the Pudding.)
(Speaking: David, Helen, Cassandra, Joe, Pilot, Air Traffic Controller, Orsino, Viola/Steve, Olivia, Kenny, Toby, Sebastian/Vince/Vicky, Tess, John, Malvolia, Man with Suitcase.)
(Lights up. Stage left, stage center, and stage right are separated by blinds. David enters from SR and sits at SR. Random Man with Suitcase enters from SL and walks across stage, bumping into David, who gives him a weird look. A trombonist plays a note.)
David: Guys, cut that out! This is a dress rehearsaleverything has to be perfect. Let's go. (Walks across stage and exits.)
Helen: Dude, these songs suck.
Cassandra: Didn't you help write?
Helen: Uhh . . . no.
Cassandra: Actually, theyıre not that bad, Helen.
David: Will you guys turn off stage-announce?
Helen: What did he say?
Cassandra: I don't know, I never understand what he says.
Helen: Premeds aren't too good at communication, eh?
David: (Top of lungs.) Turn off stage-announce!
Helen: Oh, shit. Turn off the what? Is it this button? (Lights out.)
Cassandra: You idiot. (Lights up.)
Helen: Well, do you know how to do it?
Cassandra: Um . . . (Static noises.)
Pilot: (Over intercom.) This is United flight 108. Inbound to Boston. I'm on final approach. Control tower, do you read?
Air Traffic Controller: (Over intercom.) United flight 108, you are cleared to land at runway 6 wind from the northwest.
Pilot: Control tower, repeat. Didn't copy that.
Helen: Cue stage left. Lights up.
Pilot: Stage left? Where the hell is stage left? (Sound of an airplane crashing.)
Duke Orsino: ³Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.²
Viola: ³My lord, I do protest²
Olivia: ³O, do not swear! ³ (Enter Sir Toby Belch, head bleeding. He is holding a bottle of ketchup.)
Penelope: (From SL, working on a headset.) Fuck!
Olivia: (To Sir Toby Belch.) ³What's the matter?²
Penelope: Oh, we're having feedback problems.
Sir Toby Belch: ³He's hurt me² wait, what? (Throws the ketchup bottle offstage.)
Olivia: ³Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?²
Sir Andrew: ³Hark, a stranger cometh!² (Vince/Sebastian has been arguing with a crowd of other actors on SR who are trying to push him onstage.) ³HARK, A STRANGER COMETH!²
Vince/Sebastian: (Flustered.) ³Why, it is my brother!²
David: Sister!
Steve/Viola: (Completely shocked.) ³Why, it is my sister!²
David: Brother! Your brother! (Exasperated, he slams the script down and buries his head in his hands.)
Vince/Sebastian: (Extremely nervous, trying to placate Steve.)
³O Brother, I did fear that you were dead!
Now that I've found you, I'm consumed with joy!
I missed you so O Bro, long time no see!
I'm thankful that you've been restored to me!²
Steve/Viola: (Extremely angry. As he talks, he backs Vince/Sebastian into a corner.)
³O Sister, what a happy day is this!
That our two fates do intertwine this way
Without you, my entire life felt amiss
This family reunion makes my day!²
David: Steve! Is this the way you show love for your sibling?
Steve: If you had a sibling like this, you'd understand!
Vince: It's frustrating, you know.
David: (Director voice.) Iım waiting for LOVE, here.
Vince: (unthinking) So why are you waiting? Love has to be pursued.
David: (musing) It could be right it front of your face, but if you're not willing to look for it . . .
Vince: Then you could miss out on something . . .
David: special. (Awkward pause as David and Vince stare at each other.) Um . . . I think we need to take a break. (Exeunt ensemble. Steve and Vince remain onstage, at center. David talks dazedly to Penelope at SL. The spotlights focus on C.)
Steve: Give me one reason why I shouldn't turn you in right now!
Vince: Steve . . . I am your sister.
Steve: A good reason!
Vince: You need me to do the show! Don't be a snitch. (Tess enters w/ a large group of protesters. They interrupt the rehearsal passing out flyers and posters.)
Tess & Co: (chant repeatedly)
TOO MANY HAVE DIED
DON'T EAT THEM GRILLED OR FRIED
STOP THE FINGER LICKIN'
NO ONE SHOULD EAT CHICKEN!
Steve: (to Vince) We're not done with this conversation. (Walks to Tess) Tess, what can I do to help spread the message? Here, let me take some flyers.
Tess: Don't speak to me. You, you . . . meat eater! Why are you pretending to have such a fascination with chicken's rights? Up until now all you've done is joke and be totally unsupportive of my beliefs.
Steve: Au contraire! I am extremely concerned for the well being of chickens world-wide. Bring me the soap box! (Jumps up on a near-by bench and addresses the protesters.) Imagine, youıre a baby chick, enjoying the first few days of your recently hatched chicken life. Youıre playing in the coop when old McDonald enters. He stops, he stares. Today, he is not collecting eggs. Oh, no, my friends. He is on a different mission. He's out for blood. (Murmur in the crowd) He approaches you and your loving chicken family and . . . OH GOD NO! He's taking mama chicken. Ten minutes later you hear a loud clucking, a frantic flapping of feathers and then, silence. In the course of a week your mama has been killed, cut up into quarters, packaged, and sent to a college dinning hall. Here, her fleshy remains are cooked, drowned in gravy, and placed on a hot tray. At 6pm an ungrateful college freshman places your mother's breasts on his plate, and talks about how bad they taste. He throws them away. The chicken killer only ate a forkful. (Crowd uproar) We must stop this poultry holocaust. We must put a stop to this madness. From every Chic-Fil-A to KFC driveway. From the chicken coop to the Harvard Coop. We must let the world know I won't eat chicken in a boat, I will not eat it with a goat, I will not eat it here nor there, I will not eat it anywhere.
(While the Pudding cast is distracted by Steve's speech, John rushes in, bumping into Tess. She drops her flyers and overhears John's conversation w/Vicky as she collects her flyers from the ground.)
John: Vicky, VICKY (Vicky stares in horror) . . . Vince. I have to talk to you. I was right: Malvolia knew nothing of your deceit.
Vicky: Thatıs great!
John: Until just now.
Vicky: WHAT?!?
John: I may have accidentally let something slide. But donıt worry, I covered it up really well.
Vicky: What did you tell her?
John: Only that you were definitely not cross-dressing at the Pudding. Your true identity is safe. I remain the only person aware of your noble cross-dressing act.
Vicky: You . . . and Steve. And now Malvolia. This has got to be the worst idea I have ever, no, you have ever had. I can't do the show. If I back out now only you, Steve . . . Malvolia . . . and I will know about this fiasco.
Tess: (Coming forward.) And me. I'll know. What were you thinking, Vicky?
Vicky: I had to beat Steve at his own game. He thought he could outdo me. I couldn't let it happen.
Tess: And the most logical solution was to dress up like a guy?
Vicky: Thank goodness, you understand. Are you mad at me?
Tess: I'm furious! (Teasing) We planned a hot date for the Annenberg chicken rally and you stood me up.
Vicky: Sorry about that. You shouldn't be upset with Steve. I'm sure he would have gone to your turkey rally if
Tess: CHICKEN.
Vicky: Well, he would have gone.
Tess: Don't worry your secret is safe with me. (She walks over to Steve.) Could I talk to you for a second?
Steve: Of course. (to the protesters) Go over there and form a plan of
action. (They move.) NOW! (Malvolia enters and finds David SL.)
Malvolia: Excuse me, are you the director of this production?
David: (ashamed) I am.
Malvolia: I have to tell you something very important about one of your cast members. (Malvolia talks to David in a hushed voice while Tess & Steve continue to talk C.)
Tess: I know you aren't as passionate about the chicken movement as you pretend to be . . .
Steve: (sheepishly) Maybe not.
Tess: . . . and I should probably be offended by this mockery youıre making . . .
Steve: (humble) You're right.
Tess: . . . but I can't help but be flattered that
Steve: I've been inspired to speak out so eloquently for a cause I have little interest in?
Tess: No. I'm flattered that you're willing to make a total jackass out of yourself to support my beliefs.
Steve: I could accept that.
Malvolia: (points at Steve) That's him! Her? He's a girl!
David: STEVEıS A GIRL? (Steve walks to David and Malvolia.)
Steve: I am not a girl!
Vince: Let me explain.
Steve: No, let me explain.
Vicky: (talks to Tess) What am I going to do now?
Tess: Stay calm. Maybe he won't say anything.
Steve: My sister
David: Your sister?
Vicky: Oh, my God, no! (Vicky runs out of the Pudding thinking that Steve is going to give away her secret.)
Tess: Vicky wait!
David: (Turns his head and sees Vince leaving) Vicky?
Steve: (Trying to recapture his attention.) My sister has a dirty lying roommate!
Malvolia: What!?
Steve: How can you make up these ridiculous lies? I can't believe you, Mal-full-of-it.
David: All right guys, it's 2:30 and we're all tired, (at Malvolia) if not a bit delusional. Go get some sleep. (Cast drops to the floor, asleep, except Malvolia and Steve, who exit, and David, who says to himself:) Vicky? (Wanders off deep in thought.)
2.5 The End (At the Pudding)
(Speaking: Tess, Steve, John, Malvolia, David, Vicky, Feste, Orsino, Romeo, Juliet, Othello, Desdemona, Chorus.)
David: (Running across stage.) Has anyone seen Vince? We go up in half an hour! Vince! (Exits, Steve enters.)
Steve: Iıve been looking for her everywhere.
Tess: (Entering, not really paying attention to Steve.) She hasnıt come home yet!
Steve: Oh, Tess. (Puts on his male stance.) Hi.
Tess: Hi, Steve. (Begins flapping arms.) I havenıt seen you . . . in a while.
Steve: Yes, not since yesterday.
Tess: You think my whole chicken movement is ridiculous, donıt you?
Steve: Uhh . . . yes.
Tess: You think Iım nuts to be so obsessed with chicken rights.
Steve: (Reluctant.) Yes.
Tess: And because youıre so cruel and uncompassionate I should dump you right here and now!
Steve: Yes?
Tess: And are you just agreeing with me because you think it will win me back?
Steve: Yes . . .
Tess: I like this. (Vicky enters with costume in her arms.) Vicky! What are you doing?
Vicky: Iım returning my costume. Itıs over.
Steve: (In male stance.) But, Vicky, itıs okay. I didnıt tell on you.
Vicky: Really?
Steve: Dıoh! I didnıt want to admit that!
Vicky: It doesnıt matter now, anyway. I spent all night thinking about this. David must have figured it out . Iıll quit before I get kicked out of the Pudding.
Tess: (Waving arms.) Vicky, you canıt give up now!
Vicky: Whatıs wrong with you two? Tess, why are you waving your arms around like that? Youıre not a Social Studies concentrator. And Steve, whatıs with the gorilla posture?
Steve: (Standing up straight.) Well, I donıt know
Tess: (Drops arms.) I was told that focusing on my arms would
Steve: And I was told that being macho would
Steve and Tess: Get you back. (pause) Thatıs the dumbest advice Iıve ever heard.
Vicky: Well, Iıve taken some bad advice myself. This whole charade was his idea to begin with, and then he told me to do nothing, and I let this mess happen, and itıs all his fault.
Steve: Wait! Are we all taking bad advice from the same person?
ALL: JOHN!
John: (Entering, with Followers in tow.) Who summons me?
Vicky: You! How could you let me get into this mess?
Steve: Yeah! And Iıve never even heard of a Manchurian Bush Hamster!
Tess: ARMS?!?
John: But it worked, didnıt it?
Steve: Well, I guess, (Tess hugs him.) I guess it did. (Tess and Steve exit.)
John: And I am sorry if I hurt you, Vicky.
Vicky: Itıs okay, John. It was my pride that started this all. I created this mess, and now I have to fix it. (She starts to leave when Malvolia enters. They circle each other in obvious, face-to-face tension. Both let out cat-like hisses. Vicky exits and Malvolia moves onstage.)
John: Malvolia, I donıt think youıre as mean as you think you are.
Malvolia: I am so! (Followers chant ³Meanie²)
John: I can see the inner you, Malvolia.
Malvolia: Thatıs ridiculous. I tried to destroy Vicky!
John: But you did it out of love, didnıt you?
Malvolia: John, I really . . . well, you know . . . but, I, I wouldnıt want to come between you and your
Followers: Buddies.
John: Malvolia, you do not understand. I have had an . . . epiphany! (Followers chant ³epiphany²)
Malvolia: What the Hellıs an epiph (John interrupts her with one right on the kisser!)
Followers: John and Malvolia sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
John: Go follow someone else! (The Followers, rejected, exit.)
Malvolia: Oh, John, why do you have to make so damn . . . happy?!
John: (Teasing.) We are mates of the soul, Mayonnaise.
Malvolia: NOOOOOOOO!!!! (She chases John offstage. David enters.)
David: Has anyone seen Vince? We go up in TEN MINUTES!!! Cımon, people! (Vicky runs on and is startled by the sight of David.)
David: Hey! (She stops) Hey Vi-(glottal stop)-ince. You know . . . uh (laughs, looks at watch) . . .I really like that shirt on you, but you better change.
Vicky: I-I just put my costume back.
David: We don't have a lot of time (His voice cracks a bit and changes tone; the techies flip on red lights.) to get you in the mood. Most dressing rooms are full (pause), but I know of an empty one. (Pause) I'll show you.
Vicky: Are you sure you want me . . . here?
David: (now a little flustered) I do. (Techies flip off red lights and flip on white lights.)
Stage Manager: House opens in five, curtain in thirty-five! (Vicky runs off.)
David: Places, people! Itıs showtime! (Exits. Cast moves, curtain closes. Pit warms up. Opening night at the Pudding!)
Feste:
³Today is now the place and day and time
To sit back and relax this night to see
Twelfth Night, Will Shakespeare's honored show in rhyme
An old, yet new, romantic comedy.
Of jesters, dukes, and ladies you shall hear
Of plots and intrigue, fools and bad advice.
Confused in love, star-crossed, it might appear,
Our characters run wild and donıt think twice.
³Ridiculous! you may say of our work.
These plots are faulty, nothing here makes sense
But ıneath the humor, truthful stories lurk,
And real-life problems come to our defense.
So listen up and close attention pay:
Here comes our work of months, our masterpiece, OUR PLAY²
Orsino:
³If music be the food of love, play on . . .²
BLACKOUT
(Time blurs; time for the closing number)
No Eyes Can See as Well as Love
Duke Orsino:
As hard as it was to admit
for a bachelor as striking as I,
the object of my affections
appeared to be a guy.
I knew someone was a miss,
For a man makes not a man's mate;
My world had been turned upside down
And seemed it would never be straight.
For if my love interest were male,
Then I couldn't escape from the clutches
Of the question of whether this Duke
Had somehow become a Duchess.
But it ends well, so all's well for me
And today has removed any doubt
That love always guides better than eyes,
And with love tangles sort themselves out.
Chorus:
It doesn't matter how your love is dressed,
Don't let a fashion faux pas be a drag.
When your eyes boggle your mind, just keep in mind they can't see all.
When your heart is in your mouth, it's in the bag.
Tess:
I thought I had met Mr. Right,
Till one day he saw me and left.
Such ambidexterity
Left me of my marbles bereft.
So while Jekyll played lead in my dreams,
When I saw him I feared he would hide.
I was torn between two men who were the same man.
'Twas a conflict I could not abide.
Or perhaps his abrupt about faces
Just reflected my own two-faced dance;
Perhaps my bad hair days were turning him off,
And I needed my comb for romance.
But when finally I focused my eyes,
My two visions resolved into one.
I can see 20/20 with love,
And what love wants to do must be done.
Chorus:
It doesn't matter how your love is dressed,
Don't let a fashion faux pas be a drag.
When your eyes boggle your mind, just keep in mind they can't see all.
When your heart is in your mouth, it's in the bag.
Vicky:
Don't worry if your love doesn't seem right . . . (Pairs off with David.)
Feste:
Don't worry if your love looks like a fright . . . (Pairs off with a huge male cast member in a ridiculous wig.)
Romeo:
Don't worry if you love the wrong last name . . .
Juliet:
Oh Romeo! (Pair off)
Othello:
Don't worry if her color's not the same . . .
Desdemona:
Othello! (Pair off)
Three Female Cast Members:
Don't worry if your love looks like a hog . . . (All go down on one knee in front of a cast member in a boar mask, à la Midsummer Night's Dream)
Chorus:
Don't worry if you seem to love a dog!
(A bar of filler music while the chorus members pair off with inanimate objects, etc.)
Don't assume that your nose always knows,
For your senses don't always make sense,
If your brain doth complain about love,
Tell it not to take offense.
When the moon hits your eye like a pie,
And you find yourself walking on air,
You've found the true love of your life,
Despite the disguise it might wear.
(Pudding show ends; cast bows)
It doesn't matter how your love is dressed,
Don't let a fashion faux pas be a drag.
When your eyes boggle your mind, just keep in mind they can't see all.
When your heart is in your mouth, it's in the bag.
(David & techies come on stage, congratulate; chorus repeats.)
Solo1:
I can't see as well as love!
Solo2:
I can't see as well as love!
Chorus:
No eyes can see as well . . . as . . . LOVE
(Chords modulate into the love song, play softly in the background. David & Vicky come to front.)
Learning How to Tell You (Reprise)
Vicky: Learning how to tell you was just so hard to do
David: Finding how to reach you I wasn't coming through
Steve: But now I know that I was wrong, and now its plain to see
Tess: That all this time weıve been right, you and me.
Malvolia: Learning how to tell you - I couldnıt, wouldnıt say
John: We both saw something special, but our fear got in the way
David: But now our troubleıs over; a new lifeıs at the door
Vicky: And it really doesn't matter anymore
All: Yes, it really doesn't matter anymore.
(Music moves back to End Song . . . this time, much more victorious and grand. As the entire cast is gathered on stage and hits the final note, David can sweepingly kiss Vicky, while the cast crescendos and all faces and hands are turned front and center (where the six lovers stand, Vicky bending David over backward in their kiss) in surprise.)