Perspective

Rumors of Scientifically Engineered Militia Persist

By Joe Hodgkin

BOSTON – Since President Barack Obama took the oath of office in January and lifted restrictions on stem-cell research, the nation’s laboratories have been moving forward apace with their micropipette-ready projects. According to a scientist who has spoken on conditions of anonymity, the first batch of Scalopus anthropomorphus, a mole-human chimera formed by exposure of human stem-cells to the epigenetic conditions of a mole embryo, have already reached maturity.

The animals are reportedly two feet tall, obese, and short-sighted. Their abilities to tunnel and carry small semi-automatic weapons make them ideal for battling internal threats. This reporter could not find any conformation for the pervasive rumor that the first generation of mole people has struck an alliance with the giant albino sewer alligators.

Although the government has not yet officially confirmed the existence of the mole people, debate has begun among scholars of constitutional law about the legality of a specialized internal militia of humanoids. Comparisons have been drawn to former Vice President Dick Cheney’s secret international military hit-squad.

Some responses from influential figures have been positive. Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) has suggested that the mole people could be put to use tracking UFOs. However, the tone of the news media has been much harsher. Fox News reporters have repeatedly claimed that the mole people answer only to Bill Ayers’ orders and will be used to enforce the new tax code.

Political analysts have been hard-pressed trying to guess where the mole people fit into President Obama’s agenda. The most prominent explanation has been offered by Jerome Corsi (Unfit for Command, The Obama Nation) who in an op-ed column of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch offered a close-reading of a “prophetic passage” in The Audacity of Hope.