Colbert in Space

NASA has not denied ‘democracy in space’

By Christopher W. Jensen

In the past, if you had mentioned the words “Stephen Colbert” to me, I would have thought “Truthiness.” Now, however, the words “International Space Station” come to mind. Earlier this spring, NASA held an online poll to select a possible name for Node 3 of the International Space Station. Voters could choose one of four pre-selected names, or write in their own suggestion. When Stephen Colbert got wind of this vote, he exhorted his devoted fans write in his own name.

This was not the first time Colbert tried to stuff an online ballot box: In 2006, he swept the naming contest for a bridge in Hungary with seventeen million votes, seven million more than the entire Hungarian population. While Colbert didn’t get his name on the bridge, the Hungarian ambassador to the United States did pay a visit to The Colbert Report, presenting Colbert with a Hungarian passport, a certificate of his electoral victory, and an invitation to see the bridge construction. Similarly, when NASA announced the winners of its online contest, Colbert was once again triumphant, beating second-place “Serenity” by 40,000 votes.

Unfortunately, Colbert’s efforts were thwarted yet again. NASA reserved the right to name the node and selected “Tranquility,” in honor of the location of the first Moon landing in 1969. To compensate Colbert for his troubles, NASA also will launch into orbit a treadmill for the ISS, the “Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill,” or “C.O.L.B.E.R.T.” for short. Colbert took the announcement good-naturedly, joking that regardless of how far the ISS travels, the C.O.L.B.E.R.T. will always travel a few miles farther.

Although Colbert quickly moved past the cosmological drama, others did not. I’m not just talking about forty-member Facebook groups entitled “NASA Is Lame” with a scraggly red “X” over the ISS logo. U.S. Representative Chaka Fattah (D–Penn.) recently endorsed Colbert’s Internet claim to space fame, arguing that he was supporting “democracy in orbit” and that NASA should be forced to name the node after Colbert. Fattah is a member of the House Appropriations Committee, and as such is a person of no small repute. He stated that “When Americans look to the sky, they may see ‘Serenity’ but there will be no serenity here on earth.” Although I have not lost any sleep over the name of a piece of metal hurtling hundreds of miles above my head, apparently Congressman Fattah has.

To say the least, Fattah’s stance is disturbing. It is ludicrous that an elected member of Congress is spending his time on such an issue when his efforts could be better used elsewhere. In comparison to the economic depression, Iraq War, health insurance, and the multitude of other serious problems facing the United States today, Stephen Colbert’s publicity stunt is astronomically insignificant.

Fattah’s reasoning is as follows: More people voted for Colbert than any other choice. Therefore, by majority opinion, Colbert has won. His victory is consequently a manifestation of American democratic principles. By not directly obeying the voting results, NASA has undermined the political foundation of the United States. While this argument may seem ludicrous, it is a fair evaluation of Fattah’s position, since he apparently believes that “there will be no serenity here on earth.” However, in order to reach this conclusion, Fattah has creatively forgotten, avoided, or ignored some inconvenient canyons in the otherwise smooth landscape of his logic.

First, online voting often does not even resemble a free or fair election. In Colbert’s previous campaign to name the Hungarian bridge after himself, several computer-savvy citizens of the Colbert Nation created vote-generating programs to churn out extra “Colbert” suggestions. If Fattah intends to compare American democracy to this procedure, he might as well compare it to Vladimir Putin’s cronies’ election “victories.”

Second, American democracy is based upon much more than mere majority rule. The concepts of divided government, the protection of minority groups, and the guarantee of civil rights and liberties are equal to, if not more important than the idea of majority rule. Indeed, the Founding Fathers were extremely wary of majority rule, instituting checks such as the Electoral College, a bicameral legislature, and a convoluted amendment process in order to prevent fickle popular majorities from dominating political outcomes.

This is not to criticize Colbert’s actions: I find the bridge and ISS incidents quite funny. Colbert’s electoral antics injected good humor into these separate incidents, a fact that both the Hungarians and the technicians at NASA appreciated. Congressman Fattah not only failed to recognize this, but has also demonstrated a shocking ignorance of American political values, to say nothing of his ability to construct a logical argument. While Stephen Colbert seems quite serene about his newfound place aboard the ISS, I doubt the same is true of Rep. Fattah’s constituents, who are probably wondering if “democracy in space” is really one of their primary concerns in the current times.