Admissions office Announces: New Freshman Class "Okay"
Most years, Harvard announces information about the new group of admitted students in glowing terms, often commenting on how they have even exceeded even records set by previous years' admits. In contrast, the class of 2003 will be "okay," according to Dean of Admissions William P. Fitzsimmons '67. "As usual, admissions decisions were difficult, but the decisions this year were not of the pleasant type," Fitzsimmons said, "we really had to reach for candidates."
"Usually the hardest part is choosing between a valedictorian with a national high jump record or a former Miss Kansas who genetically engineers wheat in her spare time," explains Fitzsimmons. "This year, we were choosing between serial killers and braindead applicants, albeit extremely motivated ones."
Applications for admission to Harvard and Radcliffe have risen for the fifty-third time in as many years, according to Director of Admissions Marilyn McGrath Lewis, who added that the "median GPA has dropped significantly, while the number of criminals has increased considerably. Almost all of the convicted felons were, however, in the top 5% of their high school classes."
Lewis refused to release the average SAT score of the incoming class, commenting only that it is, as usual, well above the mean IQ score. She did reveal that while the number of Westinghouse competition entrants applying remained steady, the College was "seeing a lot of baking soda and vinegar rockets this year."
Similarly, although the usual number of applicants who were editors of publications held constant, "the most common type of publication has switched from school newspapers and literary magazines to self-referential humor publications in the form of PTA newsletters."
Andrew Winkler '03, admitted to Harvard earlier this month, exemplifies the trend. A B student who also plays some sports for fun, Winkler explained his decision to attend Harvard over his alternative, a state university satellite campus: "It was a close decision, but what it came down to was that Harvard has a football team I could actually play for. Go Crimson! Plus, I hooked up with a really hot girl at pre-frosh weekend."
Many conservative faculty members and administrators have been quick to blame the new class's mediocrity on the University's efforts to promote diversity. "If Harvard didn't keep rejecting good WASP stock in favor of minorities, we wouldn't be in this mess," Prof. Marvin Hansfield said.
An anonymous member of the admissions staff countered that "Hansfield and his brood are more likely to be responsible for scaring away more qualified students who prefer to be surrounded by different kinds of people." No consensus regarding the cause of the sudden downturn in applicant quality has been reached. "It is well-known in farming that after steadily increasing harvests, there's bound to be an occasional blight," remarked Fitzsimmons. "In this case, a swarm of locusts followed by a herd of rapacious goats appear to have devastated the crop. Now we must repent to our god."