NEWPORT, DELAWARE—In the wake of Tuesday’s shooting at Central High School, authorities have discovered that Greg Trumble and Lyle Brown had killed in the name of Sarah McLachlan. After hours of interrogation, detectives were able to uncover that the incendiary lyrics of “Angel” and “I Will Remember You,” popular McLachlan songs, had inspired the shootings.

Trumble was quoted saying, “Shooting people never crossed my mind until I heard, ‘you’re in the arms of the angel, fly away from here.’” Police also released a statement from Brown: “I’ve always loved my family even though they abuse me, and I love my schoolmates even as they torment me, but when I heard McLachlan’s sweet, sweet, siren voice, I just snapped.”

The parents of Trumble and Brown expressed extreme shock at their sons’ actions. Donald Trumble articulated the feelings that they all share: “I thought the guns and pipebombs were just part of a phase they were going through, so I encouraged their enthusiasm by purchasing weapons for them. I never even suspected that they would listen to that kind of dangerous music.”

Similarly, classmates failed to see this outbreak coming. Charles Meninger, a survivor of the Newport tragedy, thought the whole thing was a joke, even as it occurred: “When the first bullet struck me, I laughed nervously in disbelief. It was only after the second, more devestating wound that I knew they meant business.”