Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?" -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I'd rather be rich than stupid. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Blow ye winds / Like the trumpet blows; / But without that noise. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the group and then let her fly, bacuse I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it couldn't seem quite so funny. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, beacuse I like people to do what I say. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, beacuse people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] It makes me mad when people say I ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL] Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL]