Consumer Reports Car Repair/Maintenace Tips

Has it ever seemed to you like there’s some sort of “insider dirt” on cars that’s known to only a chosen few? Well, you’re right! But Consumer Reports has snuck into the lair of Guys-Who-Actually-Know-Shit-About-Cars,-Unlike-You,-You-Pansy-Ass, Inc. come away with some tips that could save you time, money and appendages!

  • If your car is running poorly, the problem is probably somewhere in what those in the know call the “engine.”

  • Generally, coat hangers make poor replacements for car parts. You should at least add duct tape if you want them to last until your next oil change.

  • If you are having trouble seeing anything in your car, try opening your eyes. Blind? Assume the fetal position, you dumbass.

  • No matter what your neighbor tells you, “good lovin’” is not something your car needs every 1,000 miles.

  • If your trunk makes a repeated thumping sound, pull over at the next convenient rest area and kill the informants before they figure out how to pop it from inside.

  • If your car ever stalls at high speed, you might have a problem with that thing under your hood. Try replacing it. No, you idiot! Not that thing! Shit, you just electrocuted yourself.

  • You could try to take a broken car to the mechanic’s. It’s cheaper and more economical, though, to just slit your wrists.

  • Notice a funny smell in the car? Try hanging one of those pine-tree air fresheners from your rearview mirror. Or, clean out the back seat and crack the window next time when it’s over 100° and you need to leave the baby behind so you can go to the strip joint.

  • It’s important to keep the car’s parts lubricated. Hitting children seems like it would be an efficient way to get fluid into the engine, but be careful: they have many small bones that could clog your reverse flow output nozzle.

  • No matter what your neighbor tells you, your car does not develop semen stains on its hood as a result of regular “wear and tear.”

  • If you are having difficulties without a patently obvious solution, inspect your rearview mirror for fuzzy dice. If they are present, you have found the problem: You are an idiot.

  • When in doubt about the safety of touching an instrument, pay a homeless person to do it for you.

  • No matter what your neighbor tells you, your car does not have blue balls.