The Wit and Wisdom of Jim Rousseau, World’s Worst Stand-Up Comic

Yo, what’s up? Hey, how are you all doing? (awkward pause) I’m doing well, thanks. Not much really going on in my life, you know? Anyway…

You ever stop to think about what’s up with cannibals? I mean, I never did much, since they, aren’t, you know relevant to my life or anything. So, anyway, I was in the library, see, and this guy comes up to me, and he’s all like, “check this out,” and then he kills me and eats me! What the fuck is up with that?

Anyway, I was walking down the street one day, right? Anyone else ever had that happen to them? Geez, tough crowd tonight.

Ok, so check this out, there was this dude, and he had this song, “Scat-man,” and he went “wee-bop-bop bodum bup,” and it was really popular, and then he died of alcoholism a couple of years later. Like, the fuck? Ya know? I mean, really. Who’s with me?

You ever think about how easy it would be to murder someone if they were already being hunted by the FBI? Ok, so maybe you don’t.

Ok, so this one time, get this, I was at this hot-dog stand, and I ordered a hot dog,
And the guy gave it to me, right? But the whole time he had this really funny look on his face. Also, he was sort of a weird-looking dude. I guess you had to be there.

You ever notice how you come home from work, and your dog is all looking at you like “I’m horny,” and then you have tender, passionate intercourse for hours?

I guess that’s more of a regional thing…. So, anyway, did you ever try eating barbeque chicken with an order of mashed potatoes on the side at Boston Chicken when you’re really hungry? I mean, it’s a really good meal for the price if you’re hungry like I was earlier today, but you don’t have time to cook. I’m just saying.

You know what’s funny? Tasers. And mentally retarded children.

Hey, fuck you, pal. How would you like it if your mother had as much sex with dirty sailors as mine does, huh? Huh!? I didn’t think so. Oh.